Just to keep them in my memory

 24hrs awake

14hrs of sleep 
and still a little restless
Whirling thoughts I can't seem to capture
I walk through walmarts plants and flowers
(A good place to release wordless thoughts)
There are yellow & red flowers called Celosia (or Dragons breath) that I touch. 
I like Celosia since its close to spanish
Even though that would be a sorry name for a spanish flower
I can learn to speak Spanish 
But still haven't learned to speak some of my heart in my own language
I hate that my words stop. 

I felt myself shutting down and not saying anything 
I told myself stop it right now renita.
This is no way to be. Stop being like this. 

It's not that I don't know what I mean. 
I know what I mean myself. But can you? 
which words do I need for you to understand? 
I went to church alone mostly to escape an hour of Grandpa explaining the wickedness of the world

& it's immoral clothing choices (like my dress above the knee)
He likes to let his cold cereal sit for an hour before he eats it. He said he likes it mushy. 

(I think that's gross plus who likes anything described as mushy)
He and Grandma have the cold and they don't prefer makeup and earrings.
They had six (undecorated) Christmas trees at church for decoration and that made me happy.

If I was home I would have bought the red gerbera daisies. 

But I can't take a pot of daisies on the plane ride

I guess I could, they might enjoy it

Yesterday when I got in, I accidentally took a 7hr nap, and woke up to Grandpa calling out 

"Renita, are you alive?" 

They were getting worried 

but little do they know how well I can nap. 

I didn't even sleep in the bedroom grandma offered because its dark and a little creepy 

and I preferred the noise of the furnace creaking and the light of the hopper window.

It's quiet on the farm today

All I hear is the wind singing
Be still my soul, be still
My restless thoughts need a place to retire

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

(Something to figure out)

God, I have a couple questions for You.

In Your sincerest opinion? What do You think?

Sitting on the yellow bridge with my tea & a short (my brother names them)

I know this may seem a little less alright 

But here I find a little place to hide
My dad grew up on this land, through these woods and playing in this creek (crick if you ask them) 

I'm trying to calm my unsettled spirit

I don't like being in a whirl

It's an odd feeling of having a lot to think about but without the words

it's a clouded day without the right words

like when Gil mocks Anne 

"Wilt thou give up thy garder o farest of the fares" telling her to cut it out. 

Just say it Anne. You're full of words.

When they're not attainable, I just tell myself to shut up and be calm just listen to these trees sing 

The wind keeps blowing, somewhere everyday

Just dismal thinking on a dismal day

(But not a Jonah day. Not even an Alexander day)

I steal lyrics from songs I love constantly

I throw them in when a thought has triggered the memory of them. 

This scene is shouting the verses of the mountains and hills bursting into song before You, 
and all the trees clapping their hands
I freaking love that chapter
It's close in my heart these days 
Be still, my soul, the waves and wind still know 
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below
Guys. The wind and waves know. 
The mountains and hills sing 
The trees clap 
The rocks cry out 
How the heck is that not incredible

How can we not sing it out with our life?! 

I don't have words 

But they sure know what to do

I bought a celosia to plant by the sauna 
hoping she's there to greet me next year