loose ends

I find myself back at this track 

One road that’s steady and never changing 

The place I ran out of sadness 

Sometimes anger but mostly sadness 

Here you are again 

I run for an hour before I realize I’m sobbing and that sweat is actually tears 

The runners who have their lives together around me must think I’m a sight 

Sobbing and running 

My last couple years have felt like running this track 

Over and over 

Running years in stupid circles over and over

completely different yet oddly similar at the same time 

Trying to get somewhere

never really ending up anywhere

While sobbing the whole time

(i know I'm dramatic)

Loving ones around you from the depths of your being

And in the long run, does it lead anywhere? 

did it lead them or you anywhere?

When am I gonna stop running this track and it ever lead to somewhere? 

You’re trying to get somewhere as if you’re not somewhere 

Where is somewhere

This is my somewhere? 

Ive watched the seasons change here 

Running to the change. Beautiful days, bad days. 

The trees change from summer greens to autumn hues.

Seasons of my life run by 

Change of friends and circles and seasons and steadies

Yet I keep running in circles 

Has this track lead me anywhere? 

It hasn’t felt that way

I don’t understand where this track is taking me 

If it’s taking me anywhere at all 

Ive lost the 3 people I’ve loved this year 

It kills me to my core 
I don’t understand 

im just hurt about it 

Did I choose the wrong ones to love? 
I can’t ever regret loving them because I still do and always will 

I don’t understand how we love someone and why they get ripped away

i think i'll always struggle with that

but I’ll never regret loving you 

I go on trips that i didn't want to go on

I love travel but its miserable with a heart ripped apart

I write songs that nobody will find so what does it matter

I sat at my grandparents cozy basement table for hours

drinking coffee with nisu while buppa shares his wise words & life experience

and mummi whos sharp and quick

she says i know and I dont understand either 

I didn't think i would cry, but i couldn't not

she made me a bed on her couch and cried myself to sleep

I found a little prince shirt and bought it 

Cause I’ve loved his book forever 

T found me a Van Gogh shirt because she knows I love him. 

That means a lot 

I walk around in a numb all day 

and then for days 

then for weeks

Wondering how someone can love someone 

then just drop out of your life 

its actually really stupid to mourn someone whos still alive when you don't have to be 

i shouldnt have to mourn losing the kids

you shouldn't have to mourn a dad whos still alive but chose to leave

they could be a part of our life if people were good about it 

we shouldn't have to mourn our people 

or your person just cause you part ways 

its stupid the way we do it 

escape, ignore, cut off, all those things aren't normal. or shouldn't be 

but we've made them normal 

lifes too short to do that

people don't last forever so its stupid to treat it like they do

if someone did die would you look back and be glad for that time apart?

idk maybe i'm too morbid

id say this whether i was emotional or not 

I get it 

I get the time for healing and needed change and blah 

but to mourn it like a death. to treat it like someone doesn't exist 

its a mourn we've placed on ourselves thats unnecessary 

i decided the expected normalcy of it is actually ridiculous & shouldnt be

but yall carry on doing what you think is normal 

its not 

Everything inside me hates knowing I might leave something not understood 
would that be you? 

leave before you or i understood?

is it you i don't understand?
or you don't understand what I need understood? (me)
honestly could be both and I really despise that. 

and then theres the writers who somehow find comfort in words like 

What are you waiting for? 
Life don’t happen when you want it to

Life don’t happen how you think it should 

Life don’t happen how it’s supposed to 

What are you waiting for? 

(i know youd hate that cause his grammers incorrect)

what are we waiting for if nothing works anyway  

how can you love and hurt so much at the same time

Is it something you know too? 

Adele stains the hearts she uses to heal and blames it on the River Lea 

Maybe we all have a River Lea 
Everything changed me 
You have given me something that I can't live without
You mustn't underestimate that when you are in doubt

But I don't want to carry on like everything is fine
The longer we ignore it, all the more that we will fight

they talked about growth and healing and I cringed the whole time

"You do it out of desperation for your future self" she said

she was right 

There was a closeness in the calm 

the steady calm throughout my year

that was you

But it breaks me to think it’s gone 

all I can ask is God please come meet me in this brokenness 

right now I can’t see the beauty in this

I’m exhausted and tired 

all of me wants to collapse 

And I can’t keep holding myself up 

Everythings too heavy to hold 

some of yall will never know

and Im truly glad for that 

but damn it hurts to love and lose