loose ends

I find myself back at this track 

One road that’s steady and never changing 

The place I ran out of sadness 

Sometimes anger but mostly sadness 

Here you are again 

I run for an hour before I realize I’m sobbing and that sweat is actually tears 

The runners who have their lives together around me must think I’m a sight 

Sobbing and running 

My last couple years have felt like running this track 

Over and over 

Running years in stupid circles over and over

completely different yet oddly similar at the same time 

Trying to get somewhere

never really ending up anywhere

While sobbing the whole time

(i know I'm dramatic)

Loving ones around you from the depths of your being

And in the long run, does it lead anywhere? 

did it lead them or you anywhere?

When am I gonna stop running this track and it ever lead to somewhere? 

You’re trying to get somewhere as if you’re not somewhere 

Where is somewhere

This is my somewhere? 

Ive watched the seasons change here 

Running to the change. Beautiful days, bad days. 

The trees change from summer greens to autumn hues.

Seasons of my life run by 

Change of friends and circles and seasons and steadies

Yet I keep running in circles 

Has this track lead me anywhere? 

It hasn’t felt that way

I don’t understand where this track is taking me 

If it’s taking me anywhere at all 

Ive lost the 3 people I’ve loved this year 

It kills me to my core 
I don’t understand 

im just hurt about it 

Did I choose the wrong ones to love? 
I can’t ever regret loving them because I still do and always will 

I don’t understand how we love someone and why they get ripped away

i think i'll always struggle with that

but I’ll never regret loving you 

I go on trips that i didn't want to go on

I love travel but its miserable with a heart ripped apart

I write songs that nobody will find so what does it matter

I sat at my grandparents cozy basement table for hours

drinking coffee with nisu while buppa shares his wise words & life experience

and mummi whos sharp and quick

she says i know and I dont understand either 

I didn't think i would cry, but i couldn't not

she made me a bed on her couch and cried myself to sleep

I found a little prince shirt and bought it 

Cause I’ve loved his book forever 

T found me a Van Gogh shirt because she knows I love him. 

That means a lot 

I walk around in a numb all day 

and then for days 

then for weeks

Wondering how someone can love someone 

then just drop out of your life 

its actually really stupid to mourn someone whos still alive when you don't have to be 

i shouldnt have to mourn losing the kids

you shouldn't have to mourn a dad whos still alive but chose to leave

they could be a part of our life if people were good about it 

we shouldn't have to mourn our people 

or your person just cause you part ways 

its stupid the way we do it 

escape, ignore, cut off, all those things aren't normal. or shouldn't be 

but we've made them normal 

lifes too short to do that

people don't last forever so its stupid to treat it like they do

if someone did die would you look back and be glad for that time apart?

idk maybe i'm too morbid

id say this whether i was emotional or not 

I get it 

I get the time for healing and needed change and blah 

but to mourn it like a death. to treat it like someone doesn't exist 

its a mourn we've placed on ourselves thats unnecessary 

i decided the expected normalcy of it is actually ridiculous & shouldnt be

but yall carry on doing what you think is normal 

its not 

Everything inside me hates knowing I might leave something not understood 
would that be you? 

leave before you or i understood?

is it you i don't understand?
or you don't understand what I need understood? (me)
honestly could be both and I really despise that. 

and then theres the writers who somehow find comfort in words like 

What are you waiting for? 
Life don’t happen when you want it to

Life don’t happen how you think it should 

Life don’t happen how it’s supposed to 

What are you waiting for? 

(i know youd hate that cause his grammers incorrect)

what are we waiting for if nothing works anyway  

how can you love and hurt so much at the same time

Is it something you know too? 

Adele stains the hearts she uses to heal and blames it on the River Lea 

Maybe we all have a River Lea 
Everything changed me 
You have given me something that I can't live without
You mustn't underestimate that when you are in doubt

But I don't want to carry on like everything is fine
The longer we ignore it, all the more that we will fight

they talked about growth and healing and I cringed the whole time

"You do it out of desperation for your future self" she said

she was right 

There was a closeness in the calm 

the steady calm throughout my year

that was you

But it breaks me to think it’s gone 

all I can ask is God please come meet me in this brokenness 

right now I can’t see the beauty in this

I’m exhausted and tired 

all of me wants to collapse 

And I can’t keep holding myself up 

Everythings too heavy to hold 

some of yall will never know

and Im truly glad for that 

but damn it hurts to love and lose 

Bookshelf of 2022

  Book                                                               Author                                          Month

Biography: 
Surprised by Love (Joy Davidman)                  Lyle W. Dorsett                             March
John Calvin                                                       John Piper.                                     June
Gladys Alward                                                  Janet & Geoff Benge                     Nov
The Lost Novel of Walt Whitman                    Walt Whitman                                Dec

Birth: 
When Hello means Goodbye                          Paul Kirk                                         March
Safe Infant Sleep                                             James J. Mckenna                           Sept
The No-Cry Sleep Solution                             Elizabeth Pantley                            Sept
The Baby Sleep Book                                     William Sears                                  Dec

C.S Lewis: 
Mere Christianity                                            C.S Lewis                                       April
The Reading Life                                                                                                    May
The Great Divorce (2x)                                                                                          April & May
The Abolition of Man                                                                                             May
The Problem of Pain                                                                                              June
Reflections on the Psalms                                                                                      July 

Faith/Growth:
Foreign to Familiar                                          Sarah Lanier                                Feb
Gentle and Lowly                                            Dane C. Ortlund                          May
Deeper: Real Change for Real Sinners            "      "                                           Nov
War Room                                                       Chris Fabry                                  Sept
The Hand of God                                            Alister Begg                                 Nov

Foster Care/Adoption: 
Fostering Resilient Learners                           Kristen Van Marter Souers           May
Walk to Beautiful                                            Jimmy Wayne                               June

History:  
Schindler's List                                                 Thomas Keneally                           Jan
Albanian Assignment                                       David Smiley                                 Jan
Dominican Republic - Culture Smart              Ginnie Bedggood                           Oct

Pleasure/Random:
Pride and Prejudice                                          Jane Austen                                    March
The Man Who Walked Away                           Maud Casey                                   March
I Am the Messenger                                         Markus Zusak                                July
The Curious Incident of the Dog                     Mark Haddon                                 Sept
Here I Am                                                        Jonathan Safran Foer                     July 
Everything is an Illusion                                  "            "                                       August
We Are the Weather                                         "            "                                        Nov

Self-Help/Motivational:
My Dyslexia                                                     Philip Schultz                              March
Win the Day: Morning Habits                          Gale Foster                                  April
Blink: the power of thinking w/o thinking       Malcolm Gladwell                      April 
The Tipping Point                                             "             "                                    May
How to Have that Difficult Conversation        Henry Cloud                                July 
Boundaries                                                       "             "                                    August
Becoming Myself                                             Staci Eldredge                            August 

Favourites: I Am the Messenger, Walk to Beautiful, Curious Incident of the Dog
Least: Becoming Myself

Physically Read: 10
Audiobook: 29
Total: 39

Annual Reading Goals:
5 Birth 
5 Biography 
5 Classics 
5 C.S Lewis ✓
5 Growth ✓
5 History ✓ 
5 Pleasure ✓
5 Subject/Place of choice: (Adoption/Foster)

2022

 New years with extra fam was unplanned but so fun to wake up to 5+ babies every morning for 2 weeks :) 
-Trip to Idaho with my fam. 
-Snowmobiling and C flipped us off so that was pretty funny 
-Found some Hot Springs in the Idaho mountains, hot springs surrounded by snow was the perfect mix
-Took a Doula Trip overseas to Albania! 4 weeks and so fun to be in a European Country for that long! 
-Trip to Albania got postponed a day, due to silly things, but it all worked out and we made it.
We had some funny laughs that day running around and doing all the unnecessary asked for things. It was a perfect sunset that day. And we got unexpected Mexican that night. 
-Grace and I traveled together overseas and she hadn't been out of country since she was 6yrs old. So what an honor to bring her again 
-Walking the streets...always the best parts of other countries
-We were at a farm restaurant in Kruya Albania, and a violinist was playing a gorgeous violin made of beautiful old wood. I asked if I could play it and he let me and it was a more than a gift that I he let me play it. 
-Quince Fruit tree (Albania) a new one
-Watched a woman mopping her tile porch in the rain. And it was one of those memorizing moments. Watching from a balcony in Albania, this little lady, mopping in the rain. I’m not sure why it was, if it was because she was carelessly going on with her life amid a rainstorm, or the fact of someone cleaning something while the earth was being cleaned… either way, It was memorable. 
-We found on a random day that The Opera house downtown was doing Carmen and we bought tickets immediately. 
-Got to dress up and go to our first Opera in Europe! Man their voices are to die for! How can someone make you sore through mountains and valleys with only their vocal chords? 
-It made me smile when my sister texted me that she found the perfect crushed ice to eat knowing I love to eat ice 
-Threw a shower for our best girl Charlie and it was beautiful and full of wonderful people who came to bless show they care. 
-All my favourite collection of mugs broke into pieces so I tried to glue them back to life. J put together one of my best mugs to be a plant holder now, so it still holds a place 
-Made a quick short road trip across the states to pick up our babes. 
-Thankful for a good man to go with and enjoy the long straight roads with beautiful open country. Silos and fields and farms and windmills. Snacks, good music and talks. 
-I even cried in a random WV Taco Bell while eating my chalupa. I didnt mean to, but also couldn't stop it. Now it's kinda funny to think about
-Our babes I&M came to live with us. What a joy and love for life babies bring. Being a home for family makes life purposeful
-G and I played music for a political party dinner. And Mark Robinson was actually funny because he sang us two country songs karaoke style. 
-My younger taller sis got MARRIED. And what a beautiful day it was. What an honour to stand beside her making a life commitment to her man. 
-Dancing with all the babes to Hair-up and Lovebug at the wedding was one of my favourite parts of being an auntie. Teaching them how to dance crazy with my non-moves is the best 
-Wedding cleanup is always fun too. It flew by too fast. The van was a wreck and jumping in to rearrange everything to fit was normal but funny when I got asked if I ever play tetris. 
-Baby J joined our world making the #17 Matson Grandbabe 
-Lil G got her diploma and we had a day of celebration for her. Volleyball was fun with a mix of the old and new and fam from out of town.
-My lil Meggy gave us a scare and spent a couple days in the hospital. Thankful for health care even tho its long and arduous at times 
-I rode in an ambulance for the first time and I hope I never have to again 
-I bought a pair of sunglasses at the hospital with Meg because they gave me joy. Unfortunately the rims broke the first day but we make do now and they're a memory for me 

-Worked in AK with APC again. It always feels good doing heavy manual labor for hours days on end. But man does a body get sore. 
-I've never woken up at 3am so many weeks in a row. That was a new condition for work this year. 
-RTB called me Lil'Willie everyday on the jobsite and that was a funny new nickname to have. 
-I took a flight with my own Dad as the pilot! That was a strange, crazy and wowing first time thing to do! Looking down after take off and just flying over the earth, and looking over and your Dad is the one driving this! What a cool thing. 
-G and I shopped and thrifted to our hearts content. She found me good boots. And together we found enough to fill an extra suitcase 
-Rode my second flight with pilot-padre to a remote restaurant in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness! A cute little, cute little lodge that borrowed everyone a pickup to drive yourself to the lodge where they made us good burgers for lunch. And then we flew home. 
-Imagine how booguie that sounds."Oh we just flew to the lodge for lunch and back."  Well, I live a blessed life for sure. 
-Kylie helped one of my biggest dreams come true! Having long hair and knowing what an even amount of hair feels like! Gah, wow how can such a simple thing to make a heart so happy! I love when little things give you joy. Extensions were literally made for ppl with my hair condition 😂 Lord bless whoever invented them and bless anyone with my hair; with them. 
-4th of July at our house was everything a 4th should be. Hamburgers & good food. Volleyball. Everything life on a farm can offer. Good fireworks. Babies, basketball, good laughs & great talks. 
-Went skydiving for the 2nd for Graces birthday!! Honestly the 2nd was better than the first! When I told the instructor I was interested in becoming a skydiver, he spent the whole of our ride explaining every little detail on how it works. Also letting me control our free falling and how many twists and spins we did. To feel in control while falling completely out of control through the sky was an amazing experience and something that would bring me back. 
-Went to the beach w/C and it was a perfect beach trip. 
-We toured around Charleston. And spent most our time smelling amazing candles and window shopping. 
-And then we found my latest and greatest food that I fell in love with: Udon Noodles. And wow I think I found what noodles they’re eating in heaven. 

-Went to a hilarious spooky witches night where they showed you how to make “potions” and tell you stories. 
-Went to see Trevor Hall in a great open concert area and the perfect summer night 
-Baby Rollie-Pollie-Fred-Wright (Anne would be proud of how much we quote her since his birth) joined our world making #18 Matson Grandbabe 
-Birthday plans to turn 28 make me feel ancient and question my life’s turn of events since birth 😂
-I decided to celebrate by taking a weekend getaway to the beautiful mountains of Maggie Valley. And boiii was it the right choice. 
-We accidentally found a Musical of LITTLE WOMAN playing in Theaters that night! And oh my word if that wasn’t made for my birthday I don’t know what was. Holy cow I loved it. 
-In the cutest town of Waynesville with old stores and theaters and a good night walk and an Irish pub and then pouring rain. A great night. 
-C made everything extra special & perfect by being and doing everything with me all day. 
-We went to an Arts Festival famous in the Maggie Valley and on my wishlist to go for awhile. 
-Walked through so many cute good old antique shops and C bought me the most gorgeous old violin with the most perfect wooden case 🎻❤️

-Saw Joshua Bell live!!!! 4th top violinist in the world?!?! Eeek! 🤌🏼🤌🏼 I can’t believe I got to see him. Also that I got to dress up and go on a fancy date for it :) 

-and holycrappioli. He definitely started at 4yrs old and I definitely cried the whole time. 

-Baby Sunshine joined our world making #19 Matson Grandbabe 
-Took another Doula Missions trip with Lisa
-Went to the Dominican Republic for the first time 
-3 Ojos Caves is where I first had the little fishes that eat the skins off your feet. It actually freaked me out more than I thought it would since I love fish. But it tickled and scared me just a tiny bit. 
-Not sure if I fricked up one of the best things going this year 

-I regretted it with every piece of me and had to fix it 

-boy am i ever glad I did cause i love my honey

-Baby Eddie joined the fam making #20 soooo many new babies this year!

-my sister got me an advent calender that was a cheese board and you opened a new cheese everyday. honestly one of my favourite parts of christmas this year. 

-Drive through lights with my honey, and really anything christmasy was amazing especially with someone you love and love doing things with. I am so so grateful for that blessing

-Christmas was a mix of craziness. lots of emotions I've never known before

-sorri to jump so short. but it iz what it iz

Events that took over the news: (in my small very little news world)
-Russia attacked Ukraine Feb 24th 
-Will Smith slapped Chris Rock on live TV 
-Johnny Depp/Amber Heard Live Trial  April-June
-Roe Vs. Wade movement overturned June 24th
-Queen Elizabeth ll died at 96yrs old : Sept 8th 

Quotes: 
-"Who am I to question what the Lord does: Mrs.Applewhite 
-We land hard : flight attendant to Idaho
-If I leave everything out all the time, I just stop seeing it :Anne
-"Do them have Lobster at Chick-a-lay?" Wrenn
-"Hes looking for something to do on earth for the rest of his life" 
-"Would you like to be a good teacher or a boy teacher?" Madalyn
-“For Lacey heaven is Asheboro” : Zach begrudgingly 
-“I GOT A HORSE-HEAD SHIRT!” M meaning Turtleneck shirt 

Flights: 
4 (Idaho) 6 (Albania) 5 (AK) 4 (DR)

STATES: 
ID, VA, MD, WV, OH, IL, IA, MO, SD, AK, SC

Concerts:
-Joe Purdy, Gregory Alan Iskov
-Trevor Hall, Gone Gone Beyond 
-Joshua Bell 

Weddings: 
-Charlie&Jordan!

thats all we got for now bois

brothers & mothers

A Christmas night
Brothers dusting off old memories of having a father that once was theirs but left the youngers
Asking for memories that they may not remember
Sipping egg nog all night long
A sister gifts you the greatest gift that makes you cry in your own small corner
Songs that reminds her of you
It’s no small thing to have songs attached to your name and memory
It’s someones life theme song playing in the background
Wrapping gifts with a steadily faithful singing mother who gave her all and continues to give all

my steady honey helping wrap gifts amidst the chaos, but always sweetly by my side 
Mummi who sings hymnals with the bois at midnight

and sings a song in her own mother language that we should have learned 
a Finnish song with Buppa in the background filling in the words she can't remember 
It’s two brothers who come up to you and give you strong hugs to ask if you’re okay 

and offer their support 
A hug from my first cuñado that I never expected & appreciate more than I’ll ever be able to say 
Honestly the best first Christmas gift I received this year 
It’s my love being there seeing the need of making my mother the priority she deserves 
Seeing my name carved in a wooden plague for the first time in my life 
Seems simple but huge 
Have you ever had a name that no one knew and couldn't pronounce? 
It’s huge to see ones name in a place where most have always seen

but yours is one to never be found jaja
My eldest brother telling me to give no ducks about it and carry on with how things should be 
Taking a second to catch my breath and take my thoughts by the garbage around me 
The physical garbage or the words of garbage both felt the same for a minute

but I didn't let it keep me there
A brother who texts if you need a walk 
Knowing that they’re there to offer a place of understanding and grace for growth 
waking up to Baby Junia being laid on me each morning. so refilling.

grands all rapping to their favourite musical with their aunties

frosting cookies and making more mess in the dough 

all the mess their cute little fingers make is a blessing i'll forever be happy about 

lil Evas crazy dreaded hair every morning makes me laugh just seeing it

my little dreaded headed hair twin

ziplines my brothers set up 

so much fun created by such a gift 

The grandkids who fill a house with noise of life and laughter, mess and sweet excitement 

running around in dress ups pushing strollers full of dolls 

an Uncle who rounds up all the grands to play music together

yelling jig-ga-di at the top of their lungs to their own tunes

doxology around Christmas dinner 

having grandparents that can join us

Buppa giving away his bible at the Christmas dinner table 

A talkative brother who shares from the heart even if he’s drank too much
The laughter he has and joy he gives to everyone
Knowing he’s here with us because his daughters, wife and mother
The words he said to her meant a lifetime of love from her 
By loving him all his life she saved his life
Oh what love can do for someone’s life 
I pray one day my mother knows the difference she has made on thousands who cross her path 
I pray for the right man to love her like she deserves and has desired all her life

all these things and so much more 

we have so much to be grateful for 

Ey laska

Would it be foolish to say sometimes i miss the words sadness give you?
Would it be foolish to say sometimes i miss sadness because of the words it gives you?
I've always loved the words Alaska pulls out of me
I was wondering where they were the first week and remembering my last few years here and all the good things it brought
Unfortunately I won't run into my freckled friend missing his toes in Fairbanks,
he was a hoot and good person to accidentally run into.
I dont understand how times change so quickly and seemingly easy a persons perception of someone stays so much the same.
I cried on the drive into work and what good would that be
to show up at a construction site already crying with the 30yr work-worn-in men
to wonder what a small crying girl is doing on their site today.
It has nothing to do with the job and everything thing to do with last nights conversation
RTB calls me lil-willy on the job.
Funny how the same comment, but from two different people
can mean completely opposite things.
One can be a compliment and another an insult
Depending on ones experience with said person.
In this case it can be taken as a compliment
And I'm thankful for that now
Would you leave someone over not having hot water?
Someone you've made a commitment to?
Pledged your life to?
But no hot water could break you that quickly?
The sad part is knowing it could be true.
Seeing in their character of lack thereof, that they would leave over hot water.
And how sad that must be to be in a commitment with someone whos words could be so easily forgotten 
over whether or not your shower is cold or hot.
In sickness or in health
In richer or poorer
Til death do us part
To my knowledge, nobody has died from a cold shower in the morning
In fact over half of the worlds normalcy is to shower in cold water.
Is he sad to be married to someone who might leave over something so frivolous?
Who doesnt share your past or share their own with you.
Who doesnt meet your kids or know your deepest secrets.
Doesnt share your bank account or their car or your kids.
Who doesnt know your culture and history.
I dont know, but how can it not be sad to be married to someone you can't share your all with? 

I never feel more still...

but i never feel more free than when I'm still

I haven't read my old stuff in too long
But I haven't written new stuff in even longer
Lately I wonder why that is
And what makes some times so vacant and absent of words to write
And why other times it won't stop
My feet are cold tonight but they're painted a new color that changes in the sun 
Tonight I played my old songs thinking of an old season that made me write a lot
A lot of melodramatic things when I look back on it now
But it meant a lot then and made sense
It still makes sense today but it doesn't feel as bad 
I'm curious if theres a real feeling of complete utter joy 

enough that it would plant the need for writing again
Not about sadness and misunderstandings 
But of true contentment or excitement of life 
I haven't had that about one big thing yet (in writing, I have in life)

Of course I have about small little things that give joy

and I write little spurts from things that are lovely in life

Like finding new songs and the perfect shade of red 
Being pat by babies when you're sick or crying at a beautiful book
your friend giving you a fresh pair of socks to keep the sand out of your toes in a beach house. 
And the big things like your sister getting married to the man of her dreams 
Your sisters being kept safe during an accident. 
New babies being born and new babies coming to live with us. 
All sources of huge joy and thankfulness 
the point is; the need you have during sadness to write it all out...
does it also come during good?
I don't mean to sound as though there is no joy in my life, there is

much more than sadness lately which I'm thankful for 
I'm merely curious at the state of writing and when it comes and doesn't (for me)
Is it only during heartbreak and sadness and confusion at life?
Or is it also there during the joyous and good times and I'm just missing it?
Living in it or maybe enjoying it more than taking the time to write it out? 
Is it that when you're sad, you're so consumed in it
It's all you're seeing and feeling so it creates the pressure to write more? 
And during the good times when all is well, you simply see more clearly, enjoy more things, have better mindsets and are not bogged down with having only one outlet? 
Who knows
I don't
Just wondering why I haven't written much lately and is it because life is well? 

and because I learned to write from sadness that I have no need to write?
or (heaven forbid) that I'm empty of meaningful writings

that I could have the potential to write: of life being good? 
Oh lawdy lawdy what a shame to miss that if so 
I want to write when things are well 
I want to write of beauty and something that would make a sad person leave their fog for a second
I don't think I have that yet
but its there in the back of my mind
stirring up feelings on how to write from something other than facts or sadness

2021

-First snow on Jan 8th was early for Carolina so I was disappointed that I left out of state as soon as the snow covered the ground. (We didn't get much after that, so the bummers)
-Was extremely shocked off my socks. When C literally got me heated socks! I didn't even know they were real. I didn't even dare open them right away in case I cried of excitement.
-Besides my violin, probably the most I've ever been surprised at a gift.
-The next day we went snowboarding and got the van stuck in a ditch on the way home. It gave us a good playlist and some good laughs
-Came to terms with saying goodbye to my longtime best. But it sucks. I hate that part of life
-Destin helped me overcome one of my fears of setting a mouse trap. (still a little scared)
-A trip to Idaho with the fam. Guys steady on the Idaho highs. It was heaven on Earth. Send us baaaaaaaackkkk.
-Went snowmobiling for the first time!!!!
-Uncle Vern gave me the best ride and manoman it was great.
Obviously I screamed the whole time like any good person should.
-Snowboarding in knee deep Idaho powder is a new sort of heaven. And I loved how uncle Vern called it the giggle bubbles.
-The card game in Idaho asked who inspires us unknowingly. I couldn't answer that night, but after some thought I know it's Mrs.A, JessicaS, ErinB, and Lidia (La Capitana). They are amazing woman of God who teach me without knowing it every time I see them.
-Went back to cleaning for Mrs.A after a year. And she gave me a lifes worth of advise in one sitting like she usually does. So praise the Lord for her heart and words.
-How can 4 months feel like a hell of a year?
-I learned about losing ppl you trusted in and how to process that.... I'm still learning. But the disappointment is rough. The hurt is rough.
-I was drinking milk and my niece noticed that my nails matched the milk so she started calling them "milk nails" so now they're forever milk nails to me.
-Baby Rubys cuddles were more needed than I thought. Man do babies heal a lonely heart
-Went to the beach in March! Probably earliest I've ever gone. But it was a good time.
KT blaring out Red Solo cup and all the other country songs is a great memory of the trip.
-Watched the Notebook for the first time. I only made fun of over half of it, thx friends for putting up with my great opinions the whole time
-Went to the beach with Lizzy for the 1st and went to a liquid zoo.
-Got to experience her first time going to a Liquid Zoo. I've always loved them, but boiiii did my stomach give me knots and I was only hyperventilating to myself in my stupid mask the entire time. I love aquariums so much but they're only a little intimidating.
-March&April turned me into a steady runner. You know what they say about those stress runners? It all started one Tuesday night when I had to get it out. I had to go somewhere.
-Never have I ever ran more than 5miles til this year. I didn't know I could get into the habit of running 5miles everyday, the body is amazing at what it can do with or without us believing it.
-First Concert of 2021 Flipcoin killed it. The rest were decent (my brother felt for their lifelong work)
-He wondered what it must be like to put all your heart, soul and life into making music and then once published, people just casually say "well, it's decent"
-John Mark Pantana concert was wow. You know he is in tune with the Spirit.
-I got hit by a car on a bridge and against a wall. Oops. that was a first
-Maybe the closest I've come to death? But hey, the Lord has other plans for me so I'm good
-Caleb kept the teacups safe tho, so theres that. Also what makes us laugh the most and something to make fun of.
-But man have my legs never felt such pain. so every time I thought about how I could have been legless I was just thankful to even feel pain in those legs at all. I still had legs.
-Kitt calls it The Incident whenever he talks about it, so I've now adapted the phrasing
-While my wrist healed from The Incident it was the first time in years I went without bracelets
-Also I stopped wearing pants after The Incident, shorts and dresses are a help to healing scrape-y legs.
-The year picked up double the pace after May. the weeks I healed up on Moms couch were slow but now so memorable. I made a good hit by a car playlist and took time to take in the life still given me
-It also brought a new kind of physical pain that I've never known before. Thats an ache and pain in the legs that woke me up every night for months.
-Every walk in my stupid limp reminded me that I still have legs to use so what is a limp compared to no legs?
-Did an Appleseed (Gun range shooting) for two full days with Dad and most of us girls.
-I couldn't do half the positions cause my legs weren't bendable yet, but I did what I could.
-My niece Quinn gave me a henna tattoo and was so cute about learning the art of it.
-Our 15th grandbabe was born (KAD) and boi are the babies just the cutest part of this world or what
-Went to Van Goghs immersive Exhibit. My sisters and the bois laughed when I had tears in my eyes for half of it But guys seeing the beautiful art coming alive before my own eyes. Wowiieee
-Listening to the almost 50hour audiobook on his life was a bonus because it made everything more real knowing the background of every picture and his sad-sad life (self-pity mostly but it gave us his ART & BEAUTY guys)
-Hiked Bearwallow Mnt. where the cows are all free-roam grazing at the top. I went to pet them and got a head butt by one. I was only a little bit freaked, but so close to making a good friend.
-My brother and cousins came to clear trails out down by the river for Mas bday present, they made some great campfire spots, and we've enjoyed the perfect spots by the river since then.
-4th of July was a perfect summer day at home with family and babies, barn morning devos, campfires by the river, and fireworks over an ole lil town
-We went to town to watch the 220 fireworks and it was the adventure of a van full of energetic already or almost adults. someone brought back 123Smack and throwbaccck. the smacks, screams and laughs were well worth the 2 hour wait for fireworks.
-Crossing 220 for the 10 secs. after the first time walking near racing cars. did psych me out enough to get my heart racing and the visions of headlights racing again. they said my face told it all haha
-8yr. old Isaac taught me about Sea Pigs. I didn't even know they existed, and also they look pretty frickin hilarious
-I introduced my 4 nanny-kids to Adventures in Odyssey so now for a couple days a week I've been relistening to my childhood. I love that they love it and ask for it now.
-Did a girls trip to Florida with Mary, Katie (and ashley) (jk I would make a horrible ashley)
-Mary gave us a lesson in all our body muscles and also taught us about the anatomical snuff box. And gave us amazing massages every night.
-Went to the Ringling Art Museum in Florida and it's the closest place to being in Europe (so far) walking through walls and walls of covered art. And gorgeous gardens and lawns and houses with verandas right on the lake. What a place to be. I could go for hours or days. anyone need a peek into Europe inside the states?
-Fed Alligators or Crocs (or something) at a tiny pond in FL. So that was a first. Even if I can't tell the difference, still kinda fun just feeding this massively strong giant that could probably kill you in a swipe.
-Went to Washington and wrote funny things about my first couple days there. Grandpa scolded me about my dress and sleeping too long. Grandma gave me grapes and hummed in the kitchen.
-C, G and I did lots of exploring to waterfalls, cliff jumping and trails. 
-Jessi being our best guide per usual, took us to the top of a mnt and than shout-sang a whole hymnal off the peak of the mountain and we couldn't have loved the moment any more than we did.
-In August I found and started talking to the Head of a missions hospital I was hoping to go to in AFRICA
-Mas week was full of babies and water games and per usual: convincing everyone to run the mile run :D
-My first and oldest nephew passed me in height this year. Boii do they grow up
-For my birthday this year I wanted to go to the Raleigh Arts Museum. Which was aaamzing. And even tho I'm sure the 10 people I dragged along there were just there for moral support, I couldn't have been more thankful to wonder the halls full of art with that group.
-What was even more shocking to me tho was that I somehow convinced 13 friends to JUMP OUT OF A PLANE with me for my bday! Now thats what you call good friends and family righhh tharrrr.
-It was so freaking amazing. I didn't get as scared or nervous as my 8year old self thought I would be one day when I "grew up and could skydive" SOOO worth it, and so fun tho!
-Overall my whole bday weekend was a blast, and wouldn't have been the same without each of the people that made it the best of weekends of the year. Campfires, breakfasts on the porch, art, skydiving, handwritten cards that made me cry. everything. wow.
-The Young's made me a cake for my birthday. And even tho I don't love cake, I love that they made a homemade cake cause they have all the money in the world and still thought to make it themselves. The kids decorated it and we ate confetti cake together while they screamed out "Alexa play Rock n Roll!"
-Went to Van Goghs Immersive a second time with Lizzy and this time we stayed to watch 4x through. Until we had our hearts fill. Then we explored Charlotte and went to a plant store & bought plants to name in memory of Van Gogh and a day in Charlotte.
-Did a first and went Parasailing for Cats bday with G, C and I. It was more fun than expected
-What I didn't expect tho was the need to pee once we were already in the air! Of course once I said it outloud I couldn't hold it, and the girls only made me laugh so hard that woopsie.
Now I've peed like 50 feet up in the air in a parasail. hahahaaah
-I just wish I could have seen it from the boat, 3 girls laughing their heads off 50ft up in the air and then one long tinkle streaming straight down into the ocean. Aydiosmio, these are the stories to laugh at.
-Went to spooky spooky woods that wasn't as spooky as I thought it might be. but good company and laughs
-Realized I hadn't worn pants since The Incident in May until Halloween night. dresses and shorts served my legs well while my calf took its time healing. So I went 5 months without wearing pants.
-My trip to Africa almost got cancelled but God always has the upper hand so boom roasted.
-Was a doula in the Hearts4Africa hospital and saw plenty of births!
-May or may not be traumatized by some things I saw the doctors doing but every situation is a chance to learn more hey? (also that its not standard work they were doing)
-One family in Africa had blue toilet paper and that was an unexpected small funny thing. i never thought of another color tp, except once I saw pink in Peru. i spose the color doesn't matter but it takes you by surprise sometimes.
-Lots of new foods in Africa : Matoke, Posho, Chipotis, jackfruit, peanut sauce
-Learned all about African weddings/ceremonies & Introductions. About dowry's and gifts and long cultural weddings. It was so fun. One couple has 3 ceremonies before they become officially married.
-Participated in the giving of the dowry by dancing down the line carrying a fruit basket on my head. That was a first ever (obviously) but the dancing and dowry giving was my favorite part of the introduction.
-Lake Victoria is Africas largest Lake and we got to take a boat ride through a beautiful rainstorm on it. At one point we just stopped and sat quietly for 30mins watching the wall of the storm pass by in front of us.
-Went to Chimpanzee Island and learned about how smart they can be.
(also that they're not called monkeys even tho I continue to call them that)
-Probably had a PTSDSHT attack for once in my life about walking on the side of the road. Not even kidding you that my heart was pounding outside my body for the whole 35min walk, and I almost had a heart attack. but hey, we got there and it was fine. shes fine
-Spent my 3rd Thanksgiving out of Country. So far Peru, Argentina and now Africa all make for hot sunny places to hold American holidays. also none of them have turkeys.
-I celebrated TG on my balcony in the evening alone, soaking up a good TG day with a Presley and a cup of black African tea and a good phone call.
-Surprised my family & my people by coming home a couple days early from Africa.
Bets reaction was my favourite obviously cause she screamed
-Larm (& lil Z) told us how she's having another baby while we decorated our Christmas tree and as cheesy as it sounds was the best gift we could ask for...boi the joy and prayers that have been answered!
-Christmas blessing of Lacey expecting?!! WhAT. Talk about shock of a lifetime. (Even if I called it) still what a shock and props to me and Cait for screaming and being louder than the whole room combined when we all found out 😂
-Ending the Christmas season with news of 2 more babies on the way was the best gift of all.
-Christmas was eventful and quite a funny time of family getting stuck here unintentionally, but as unexpected as it was for everyone... it was a gift to spend extra unexpected time with everyone.
-Honestly waking up to 4-6 cute babes for 2 weeks straight was the best way to end a year.
-We ended the year with a literal bangin fireworks show by Binbob&JoseJordan out in the fields, and over the house. Even my brother cheered with his none-vocals that he had.
-It was a beauty.

Favourite Quotes of the Year:

-It feels like you've been with someone longer when you've been fighting with them- Lor
-We're gonna have to put down all the looking young ones...hmm this one looks young!
-It would be a good thing to be named Melody and like Watermelons
-Hey Nita, I have a joke for you and it's really funny. Its like this "Where's Nita? Where's Nita?" :Nadyas made up joke 😆
-I'm just reminiscing about the future: Desty
-You just gotta have confidence. Cause what are you gonna do...not have confidence? :Desty
-You are off movies.... forever. For life! -Mom to Bets
-Do you ever call her Sarapist: Matt @ Brewskis
-Just to seeing his name would ruin my day:Small group stories
-I don't know if he's older or if he's just aged a little harder
-No friends on powder day -Uncle Vernon
-Eyes on the road, head out of your apps: Uncle Vern
-He was completely naked, except for 2 band aids :Vern
-You need to go out west, where they don't get married. JessicaS
-I tried to train by tone, but then when I started being quiet they were like "you ain't even mad"
-I was pretty for 5 months, and I didn't even get a raise out of it. So I'm just me now -Glizzy
-"How redneck are you?" -Traybaebae to C (who isn't redneck)
-"Where were we when we were surrounded by a bunch of boys?": G  "Heaven?" :Scarlett
-Did you know the sky is everywhere? :little Anna
-I'm not shaking, I'm not cold so something's okay
-This is a level of acid that is disproportional to the situation -Glizzy
-*Jason Mamoa* "Isn't that a drink?" -Cait thinking of Mimosa
-"Where are all the other Elmi's? Where did all the Elmi's come from?" Wrenn calling all sisters Elmis
-"Watch out for her! Her will get you bleed!" Wrenn about a Turkey
-It's a Runny Babbitt! -Raisa tryna saying bunny rabbit
-"I can't speak for the future"- Jordan
-He is not a good looker, I'm a way better looker than him. :5yr old Anna
-*sees a man rowing* "Man. That just makes me want to row!" -Glizzy
-The grass was so (tall) it was higher than the wind : Marshall on talk grass
-The world was peopled with idiots
-I'm not tall enough to see good : Mamaw
-I'm not good at emergencies, I like to cry : Mamaw
-Whatcha looking so pretty for Grace? :Kitt
-You guys need to thank me for giving you sisters. Some people are lonely & it wasn't easy! : Ma
-Well you know Africa might have less cars so you might not get hit there: Cousin Josh
-Did you find a cowboy in TX? "Well... I saw a manaquien" :Mom
-Why do you have so many sprinkles Elmi? :WY about my sprinkly freckles
-"Misery loves company" Mrs.S
-When you're in Orlando chances are you'll have a magical moment for free. -Mary
-"So you never know what's next..." Gma
-"Takes lots of forgiveness and forbearance" Gma on how to keep a marriage
-You just walk up to someone and say hi how are you. It's really simple to make friends! - 5yr Anna
-You wish that you were me right? Cause I have 7 friends. :Lil Anna
-"Well if God gives you life you have to live it right?" -Lidia in Uganda
-"Come be my eyes. My eyes are extra small." Says Hannah the Asian
-We know he's all about the finer things in life -J about C
-Batman & Bird (Cait tryna say Robin)

Artist of my Year:
-Henri Bardot
-Phospheorescent
-Current Joys
-Ed Prosek
-The Nationals
-Leonard Cohan

Book Quotes
-"It's only the next thing, it's not the last thing" (Son of a witch)
- Everything always looks less frightening in the light (The Orphan Collector)
-Just do the next thing -  ""
-In the face of murder, it is wrong to remain passive.  (A Light in the Darkness)
-"I call my work acceptable decorations" LC.
-"You had nothing to say about it and yet made the nothing up into words." C.S Lewis (Perelandra) 

Flights: 16
States: VA, ID, SC, FL, OR, WA, WV, OH, MI
Countries: Uganda, Africa 

Concerts:
-Flipturn, Arson Daily, Adam Melchor
-John Mark Pantana, John Mark McMillan

Weddings:
-Brock&Micheala
-Amiah&Andrew
-Majoke&Laura (3) 
-Josh&Mary

Songs:
Better Man -Rosie Carney
Tunnel- Henri Bardot
Time - Andrea Marie
Rose Leaves-BAILEN
About Today- The Nationals
Cherry Red Wine - Max Gomez.
I should Go - James Vincent McMarrow.
I'm Not Okay - Adam Melchor
My Dove, My Lamb - Phosphorescent
Can I Sleep in your Arms - Phosphorescent
Queen Songs/Human -Judah and the Lion
So Beautiful - Ed Prosek
So Cold- Oshima Brothers 

hooraah purdy good year 2021