I never feel more still...

but i never feel more free than when I'm still

I haven't read my old stuff in too long
But I haven't written new stuff in even longer
Lately I wonder why that is
And what makes some times so vacant and absent of words to write
And why other times it won't stop
My feet are cold tonight but they're painted a new color that changes in the sun 
Tonight I played my old songs thinking of an old season that made me write a lot
A lot of melodramatic things when I look back on it now
But it meant a lot then and made sense
It still makes sense today but it doesn't feel as bad 
I'm curious if theres a real feeling of complete utter joy 

enough that it would plant the need for writing again
Not about sadness and misunderstandings 
But of true contentment or excitement of life 
I haven't had that about one big thing yet (in writing, I have in life)

Of course I have about small little things that give joy

and I write little spurts from things that are lovely in life

Like finding new songs and the perfect shade of red 
Being pat by babies when you're sick or crying at a beautiful book
your friend giving you a fresh pair of socks to keep the sand out of your toes in a beach house. 
And the big things like your sister getting married to the man of her dreams 
Your sisters being kept safe during an accident. 
New babies being born and new babies coming to live with us. 
All sources of huge joy and thankfulness 
the point is; the need you have during sadness to write it all out...
does it also come during good?
I don't mean to sound as though there is no joy in my life, there is

much more than sadness lately which I'm thankful for 
I'm merely curious at the state of writing and when it comes and doesn't (for me)
Is it only during heartbreak and sadness and confusion at life?
Or is it also there during the joyous and good times and I'm just missing it?
Living in it or maybe enjoying it more than taking the time to write it out? 
Is it that when you're sad, you're so consumed in it
It's all you're seeing and feeling so it creates the pressure to write more? 
And during the good times when all is well, you simply see more clearly, enjoy more things, have better mindsets and are not bogged down with having only one outlet? 
Who knows
I don't
Just wondering why I haven't written much lately and is it because life is well? 

and because I learned to write from sadness that I have no need to write?
or (heaven forbid) that I'm empty of meaningful writings

that I could have the potential to write: of life being good? 
Oh lawdy lawdy what a shame to miss that if so 
I want to write when things are well 
I want to write of beauty and something that would make a sad person leave their fog for a second
I don't think I have that yet
but its there in the back of my mind
stirring up feelings on how to write from something other than facts or sadness