Q. child vs. now

Q.Would the child version of you be proud or disappointed of what you've become?
A.
I would rather cry than answer this question
I think cause tears are the only answer I can think of
I wish I could say my child version would be proud of myself
but I think lil R- had more hope in myself and who I would become
and I've let my own dang self down
I hate a lot of myself and who I've become

Things my little self would be disappointed in today:
-I'm stuck in my own opinion and stubborn
-I think I'm always right. Can't admit when I'm wrong (gotten much better than I used to be)
-I'm defensive and always feel like I have to prove my intentions
-I yell at people
-I yell when I'm mad
-I yell when I'm feeling attacked
-I yell when I feel like I'm not being heard
-I yell when I'm hurt
-I yell when I'm scared something bad will happen if I don't say something
-I hate yelling and I yell myself
-I feel like I'm doing an injustice when I don't say something about something wrong happening...
-I have to learn when not to say something because talking is not always the answer
-My pride causes the majority of these
-My pride

I hate that I can see a million things that are wrong about myself
that I'm wrong and need to change
I hate that I take forever to check myself and get myself in order
I hate that I realize I'm making a mistake
but I let my anger in the moment be greater than my self-control
to shut up, and turn around and change it
I hate that I'm not the example I wish I could be
I want to be the example that I never had in most people
I want to be the example I had in others
 (Larm, Mom, Grandma, more sisters, Lidia, Ella, Mrs.Katie Clinton, Fernyy,
    I'll think of more that I've missed)
I'm disgusted with myself because of how I am and who I appear to be
I don't know if who I appear to be and who I am - look the same or not
I hope and try to appear as I am even if its not who I wish I was
at least be true to who you are
I know realistically I fail in that
I hate that I write all these things I see and hate in people
and I do all of it myself
I'm the epitome of a hypocrite
I do a lot of things I hate in everyone else
I never thought I was above them (at all) when writing things
but you would think I would at least have the decency to not be exactly what I hate
I hate that I'm hurting my sisters who I love more than anyone else on earth
and I end up being the opposite of love and hurting them
I'm failing at showing love and being love
how could they ever look up to me? I don't believe they could
I don't want them to if this is how I really am
'If I know I'm this way... why am I not changing' they ask me
They're right and they're right
why is it so frekin hard to change something in yourself that you absolutely hate?
you would think your hate for it would be enough to change it
wrong
wrong again.
instead you're really good at being what you hate
what is wrong with me
what is
I just wanna cry
I need to move into the desert by myself til I have myself together
will I ever have myself together? Does anyone have themselves together? is it frekin possible
maybe I wouldn't hurt the ones closest to me if I did
I hate that I've been so hurt by yelling and I hurt others by the same thing I hate
I write about not becoming Them.
Am I them. Am I not just the same as them. What I've hated and despised in them?
one time I said and I still live by
"If theres one thing fools ever taught us
It's that deep down, we can't fool our own-selves"
I'm drowning inside.
I'm dying at the thought of everything.
I'm crying at the thought of everything.
the pain
the disgrace of myself