2021

-First snow on Jan 8th was early for Carolina so I was disappointed that I left out of state as soon as the snow covered the ground. (We didn't get much after that, so the bummers)
-Was extremely shocked off my socks. When C literally got me heated socks! I didn't even know they were real. I didn't even dare open them right away in case I cried of excitement.
-Besides my violin, probably the most I've ever been surprised at a gift.
-The next day we went snowboarding and got the van stuck in a ditch on the way home. It gave us a good playlist and some good laughs
-Came to terms with saying goodbye to my longtime best. But it sucks. I hate that part of life
-Destin helped me overcome one of my fears of setting a mouse trap. (still a little scared)
-A trip to Idaho with the fam. Guys steady on the Idaho highs. It was heaven on Earth. Send us baaaaaaaackkkk.
-Went snowmobiling for the first time!!!!
-Uncle Vern gave me the best ride and manoman it was great.
Obviously I screamed the whole time like any good person should.
-Snowboarding in knee deep Idaho powder is a new sort of heaven. And I loved how uncle Vern called it the giggle bubbles.
-The card game in Idaho asked who inspires us unknowingly. I couldn't answer that night, but after some thought I know it's Mrs.A, JessicaS, ErinB, and Lidia (La Capitana). They are amazing woman of God who teach me without knowing it every time I see them.
-Went back to cleaning for Mrs.A after a year. And she gave me a lifes worth of advise in one sitting like she usually does. So praise the Lord for her heart and words.
-How can 4 months feel like a hell of a year?
-I learned about losing ppl you trusted in and how to process that.... I'm still learning. But the disappointment is rough. The hurt is rough.
-I was drinking milk and my niece noticed that my nails matched the milk so she started calling them "milk nails" so now they're forever milk nails to me.
-Baby Rubys cuddles were more needed than I thought. Man do babies heal a lonely heart
-Went to the beach in March! Probably earliest I've ever gone. But it was a good time.
KT blaring out Red Solo cup and all the other country songs is a great memory of the trip.
-Watched the Notebook for the first time. I only made fun of over half of it, thx friends for putting up with my great opinions the whole time
-Went to the beach with Lizzy for the 1st and went to a liquid zoo.
-Got to experience her first time going to a Liquid Zoo. I've always loved them, but boiiii did my stomach give me knots and I was only hyperventilating to myself in my stupid mask the entire time. I love aquariums so much but they're only a little intimidating.
-March&April turned me into a steady runner. You know what they say about those stress runners? It all started one Tuesday night when I had to get it out. I had to go somewhere.
-Never have I ever ran more than 5miles til this year. I didn't know I could get into the habit of running 5miles everyday, the body is amazing at what it can do with or without us believing it.
-First Concert of 2021 Flipcoin killed it. The rest were decent (my brother felt for their lifelong work)
-He wondered what it must be like to put all your heart, soul and life into making music and then once published, people just casually say "well, it's decent"
-John Mark Pantana concert was wow. You know he is in tune with the Spirit.
-I got hit by a car on a bridge and against a wall. Oops. that was a first
-Maybe the closest I've come to death? But hey, the Lord has other plans for me so I'm good
-Caleb kept the teacups safe tho, so theres that. Also what makes us laugh the most and something to make fun of.
-But man have my legs never felt such pain. so every time I thought about how I could have been legless I was just thankful to even feel pain in those legs at all. I still had legs.
-Kitt calls it The Incident whenever he talks about it, so I've now adapted the phrasing
-While my wrist healed from The Incident it was the first time in years I went without bracelets
-Also I stopped wearing pants after The Incident, shorts and dresses are a help to healing scrape-y legs.
-The year picked up double the pace after May. the weeks I healed up on Moms couch were slow but now so memorable. I made a good hit by a car playlist and took time to take in the life still given me
-It also brought a new kind of physical pain that I've never known before. Thats an ache and pain in the legs that woke me up every night for months.
-Every walk in my stupid limp reminded me that I still have legs to use so what is a limp compared to no legs?
-Did an Appleseed (Gun range shooting) for two full days with Dad and most of us girls.
-I couldn't do half the positions cause my legs weren't bendable yet, but I did what I could.
-My niece Quinn gave me a henna tattoo and was so cute about learning the art of it.
-Our 15th grandbabe was born (KAD) and boi are the babies just the cutest part of this world or what
-Went to Van Goghs immersive Exhibit. My sisters and the bois laughed when I had tears in my eyes for half of it But guys seeing the beautiful art coming alive before my own eyes. Wowiieee
-Listening to the almost 50hour audiobook on his life was a bonus because it made everything more real knowing the background of every picture and his sad-sad life (self-pity mostly but it gave us his ART & BEAUTY guys)
-Hiked Bearwallow Mnt. where the cows are all free-roam grazing at the top. I went to pet them and got a head butt by one. I was only a little bit freaked, but so close to making a good friend.
-My brother and cousins came to clear trails out down by the river for Mas bday present, they made some great campfire spots, and we've enjoyed the perfect spots by the river since then.
-4th of July was a perfect summer day at home with family and babies, barn morning devos, campfires by the river, and fireworks over an ole lil town
-We went to town to watch the 220 fireworks and it was the adventure of a van full of energetic already or almost adults. someone brought back 123Smack and throwbaccck. the smacks, screams and laughs were well worth the 2 hour wait for fireworks.
-Crossing 220 for the 10 secs. after the first time walking near racing cars. did psych me out enough to get my heart racing and the visions of headlights racing again. they said my face told it all haha
-8yr. old Isaac taught me about Sea Pigs. I didn't even know they existed, and also they look pretty frickin hilarious
-I introduced my 4 nanny-kids to Adventures in Odyssey so now for a couple days a week I've been relistening to my childhood. I love that they love it and ask for it now.
-Did a girls trip to Florida with Mary, Katie (and ashley) (jk I would make a horrible ashley)
-Mary gave us a lesson in all our body muscles and also taught us about the anatomical snuff box. And gave us amazing massages every night.
-Went to the Ringling Art Museum in Florida and it's the closest place to being in Europe (so far) walking through walls and walls of covered art. And gorgeous gardens and lawns and houses with verandas right on the lake. What a place to be. I could go for hours or days. anyone need a peek into Europe inside the states?
-Fed Alligators or Crocs (or something) at a tiny pond in FL. So that was a first. Even if I can't tell the difference, still kinda fun just feeding this massively strong giant that could probably kill you in a swipe.
-Went to Washington and wrote funny things about my first couple days there. Grandpa scolded me about my dress and sleeping too long. Grandma gave me grapes and hummed in the kitchen.
-C, G and I did lots of exploring to waterfalls, cliff jumping and trails. 
-Jessi being our best guide per usual, took us to the top of a mnt and than shout-sang a whole hymnal off the peak of the mountain and we couldn't have loved the moment any more than we did.
-In August I found and started talking to the Head of a missions hospital I was hoping to go to in AFRICA
-Mas week was full of babies and water games and per usual: convincing everyone to run the mile run :D
-My first and oldest nephew passed me in height this year. Boii do they grow up
-For my birthday this year I wanted to go to the Raleigh Arts Museum. Which was aaamzing. And even tho I'm sure the 10 people I dragged along there were just there for moral support, I couldn't have been more thankful to wonder the halls full of art with that group.
-What was even more shocking to me tho was that I somehow convinced 13 friends to JUMP OUT OF A PLANE with me for my bday! Now thats what you call good friends and family righhh tharrrr.
-It was so freaking amazing. I didn't get as scared or nervous as my 8year old self thought I would be one day when I "grew up and could skydive" SOOO worth it, and so fun tho!
-Overall my whole bday weekend was a blast, and wouldn't have been the same without each of the people that made it the best of weekends of the year. Campfires, breakfasts on the porch, art, skydiving, handwritten cards that made me cry. everything. wow.
-The Young's made me a cake for my birthday. And even tho I don't love cake, I love that they made a homemade cake cause they have all the money in the world and still thought to make it themselves. The kids decorated it and we ate confetti cake together while they screamed out "Alexa play Rock n Roll!"
-Went to Van Goghs Immersive a second time with Lizzy and this time we stayed to watch 4x through. Until we had our hearts fill. Then we explored Charlotte and went to a plant store & bought plants to name in memory of Van Gogh and a day in Charlotte.
-Did a first and went Parasailing for Cats bday with G, C and I. It was more fun than expected
-What I didn't expect tho was the need to pee once we were already in the air! Of course once I said it outloud I couldn't hold it, and the girls only made me laugh so hard that woopsie.
Now I've peed like 50 feet up in the air in a parasail. hahahaaah
-I just wish I could have seen it from the boat, 3 girls laughing their heads off 50ft up in the air and then one long tinkle streaming straight down into the ocean. Aydiosmio, these are the stories to laugh at.
-Went to spooky spooky woods that wasn't as spooky as I thought it might be. but good company and laughs
-Realized I hadn't worn pants since The Incident in May until Halloween night. dresses and shorts served my legs well while my calf took its time healing. So I went 5 months without wearing pants.
-My trip to Africa almost got cancelled but God always has the upper hand so boom roasted.
-Was a doula in the Hearts4Africa hospital and saw plenty of births!
-May or may not be traumatized by some things I saw the doctors doing but every situation is a chance to learn more hey? (also that its not standard work they were doing)
-One family in Africa had blue toilet paper and that was an unexpected small funny thing. i never thought of another color tp, except once I saw pink in Peru. i spose the color doesn't matter but it takes you by surprise sometimes.
-Lots of new foods in Africa : Matoke, Posho, Chipotis, jackfruit, peanut sauce
-Learned all about African weddings/ceremonies & Introductions. About dowry's and gifts and long cultural weddings. It was so fun. One couple has 3 ceremonies before they become officially married.
-Participated in the giving of the dowry by dancing down the line carrying a fruit basket on my head. That was a first ever (obviously) but the dancing and dowry giving was my favorite part of the introduction.
-Lake Victoria is Africas largest Lake and we got to take a boat ride through a beautiful rainstorm on it. At one point we just stopped and sat quietly for 30mins watching the wall of the storm pass by in front of us.
-Went to Chimpanzee Island and learned about how smart they can be.
(also that they're not called monkeys even tho I continue to call them that)
-Probably had a PTSDSHT attack for once in my life about walking on the side of the road. Not even kidding you that my heart was pounding outside my body for the whole 35min walk, and I almost had a heart attack. but hey, we got there and it was fine. shes fine
-Spent my 3rd Thanksgiving out of Country. So far Peru, Argentina and now Africa all make for hot sunny places to hold American holidays. also none of them have turkeys.
-I celebrated TG on my balcony in the evening alone, soaking up a good TG day with a Presley and a cup of black African tea and a good phone call.
-Surprised my family & my people by coming home a couple days early from Africa.
Bets reaction was my favourite obviously cause she screamed
-Larm (& lil Z) told us how she's having another baby while we decorated our Christmas tree and as cheesy as it sounds was the best gift we could ask for...boi the joy and prayers that have been answered!
-Christmas blessing of Lacey expecting?!! WhAT. Talk about shock of a lifetime. (Even if I called it) still what a shock and props to me and Cait for screaming and being louder than the whole room combined when we all found out 😂
-Ending the Christmas season with news of 2 more babies on the way was the best gift of all.
-Christmas was eventful and quite a funny time of family getting stuck here unintentionally, but as unexpected as it was for everyone... it was a gift to spend extra unexpected time with everyone.
-Honestly waking up to 4-6 cute babes for 2 weeks straight was the best way to end a year.
-We ended the year with a literal bangin fireworks show by Binbob&JoseJordan out in the fields, and over the house. Even my brother cheered with his none-vocals that he had.
-It was a beauty.

Favourite Quotes of the Year:

-It feels like you've been with someone longer when you've been fighting with them- Lor
-We're gonna have to put down all the looking young ones...hmm this one looks young!
-It would be a good thing to be named Melody and like Watermelons
-Hey Nita, I have a joke for you and it's really funny. Its like this "Where's Nita? Where's Nita?" :Nadyas made up joke 😆
-I'm just reminiscing about the future: Desty
-You just gotta have confidence. Cause what are you gonna do...not have confidence? :Desty
-You are off movies.... forever. For life! -Mom to Bets
-Do you ever call her Sarapist: Matt @ Brewskis
-Just to seeing his name would ruin my day:Small group stories
-I don't know if he's older or if he's just aged a little harder
-No friends on powder day -Uncle Vernon
-Eyes on the road, head out of your apps: Uncle Vern
-He was completely naked, except for 2 band aids :Vern
-You need to go out west, where they don't get married. JessicaS
-I tried to train by tone, but then when I started being quiet they were like "you ain't even mad"
-I was pretty for 5 months, and I didn't even get a raise out of it. So I'm just me now -Glizzy
-"How redneck are you?" -Traybaebae to C (who isn't redneck)
-"Where were we when we were surrounded by a bunch of boys?": G  "Heaven?" :Scarlett
-Did you know the sky is everywhere? :little Anna
-I'm not shaking, I'm not cold so something's okay
-This is a level of acid that is disproportional to the situation -Glizzy
-*Jason Mamoa* "Isn't that a drink?" -Cait thinking of Mimosa
-"Where are all the other Elmi's? Where did all the Elmi's come from?" Wrenn calling all sisters Elmis
-"Watch out for her! Her will get you bleed!" Wrenn about a Turkey
-It's a Runny Babbitt! -Raisa tryna saying bunny rabbit
-"I can't speak for the future"- Jordan
-He is not a good looker, I'm a way better looker than him. :5yr old Anna
-*sees a man rowing* "Man. That just makes me want to row!" -Glizzy
-The grass was so (tall) it was higher than the wind : Marshall on talk grass
-The world was peopled with idiots
-I'm not tall enough to see good : Mamaw
-I'm not good at emergencies, I like to cry : Mamaw
-Whatcha looking so pretty for Grace? :Kitt
-You guys need to thank me for giving you sisters. Some people are lonely & it wasn't easy! : Ma
-Well you know Africa might have less cars so you might not get hit there: Cousin Josh
-Did you find a cowboy in TX? "Well... I saw a manaquien" :Mom
-Why do you have so many sprinkles Elmi? :WY about my sprinkly freckles
-"Misery loves company" Mrs.S
-When you're in Orlando chances are you'll have a magical moment for free. -Mary
-"So you never know what's next..." Gma
-"Takes lots of forgiveness and forbearance" Gma on how to keep a marriage
-You just walk up to someone and say hi how are you. It's really simple to make friends! - 5yr Anna
-You wish that you were me right? Cause I have 7 friends. :Lil Anna
-"Well if God gives you life you have to live it right?" -Lidia in Uganda
-"Come be my eyes. My eyes are extra small." Says Hannah the Asian
-We know he's all about the finer things in life -J about C
-Batman & Bird (Cait tryna say Robin)

Artist of my Year:
-Henri Bardot
-Phospheorescent
-Current Joys
-Ed Prosek
-The Nationals
-Leonard Cohan

Book Quotes
-"It's only the next thing, it's not the last thing" (Son of a witch)
- Everything always looks less frightening in the light (The Orphan Collector)
-Just do the next thing -  ""
-In the face of murder, it is wrong to remain passive.  (A Light in the Darkness)
-"I call my work acceptable decorations" LC.
-"You had nothing to say about it and yet made the nothing up into words." C.S Lewis (Perelandra) 

Flights: 16
States: VA, ID, SC, FL, OR, WA, WV, OH, MI
Countries: Uganda, Africa 

Concerts:
-Flipturn, Arson Daily, Adam Melchor
-John Mark Pantana, John Mark McMillan

Weddings:
-Brock&Micheala
-Amiah&Andrew
-Majoke&Laura (3) 
-Josh&Mary

Songs:
Better Man -Rosie Carney
Tunnel- Henri Bardot
Time - Andrea Marie
Rose Leaves-BAILEN
About Today- The Nationals
Cherry Red Wine - Max Gomez.
I should Go - James Vincent McMarrow.
I'm Not Okay - Adam Melchor
My Dove, My Lamb - Phosphorescent
Can I Sleep in your Arms - Phosphorescent
Queen Songs/Human -Judah and the Lion
So Beautiful - Ed Prosek
So Cold- Oshima Brothers 

hooraah purdy good year 2021

Bookshelf of 2021

  Book                                                       Author                                                 Month

History:
A Light in the Darkness                              Albert Marrin                                    April 
Van Gogh: The Life                                    Steven Naifeh                                   Aug
Little Leaders: Bold Women                       Vashti Harrison                                July 
Before We Were Free                                  Julia Alverez                                    Dec

Birth:  
Natural Hospital Birth                                Cynthia Gabriel                                 Aug
Life Before Birth (Time to be Born)          Peter W. Nathanielsz                         Sept 
Transformed By Birth                                Britta Bushnell                                  Sept
Empty Arms                                                Pam Vredevelt                                  Nov
When Survivors Give Birth                        Penny Simkin                                   Dec 

Africa:
Uganda: Customs & Culture                       Ian Clarke                                        Aug
They Call Me Momma Katherine               Katherine Hines                               Sept
How Africa Shaped the Christian Mind     Thomas C. Oden                               Oct
The Queen of Katwe                                   Tim Crothers                                    Oct
The Hole in Our Gospel                              Richard Stearns                                Nov
The Red Pencil                                            Andrea Davis Pinkney                     Nov
A Long Walk to Water                                 Linda Sue Park                                Nov

Faith/Growth:
Forensic Faith                                             J Warner Wallace                              Feb
The Gods of Christianity                            Brian Dennis                                     
When Sorry Isn't Enough                           Gary Chapman                                  March
Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion                  "                                                
A Praying Life                                             Paul E. Miller                                   April
What are you going to do with you Life?    J.D Greear                                        May 
Humility: Journey towards Holiness           Andrew Murray                                Sept 
The Great Divorce                                       C.S Lewis                                         March 
The Four Loves                                                 "                                                   Aug
Out of the Silent Planet (1)                               "                                                   Aug
Perelandra  (2)                                                   "                                                   Sept
That Hideous Strength (3)                                 "                                                   Nov

Random/Pleasure: 
The Wise Mans Fear                                 Patrick Rothfuss                                  Jan
The Slow Regard of Silent Things                    "                                                  Feb
Wicked: Witch of the West (1)                  Gregory Maguire                                March
Son of a Witch (2)                                              "                                                  April 
Fish in a Tree                                              Lynda Mullaly Hunt                          March
Shouting at the Rain                                           "                                                  Nov
A Baby on the Greeks Doorstep                 Lynne Graham                                   Jan
Mother to Son: Letters to a Black Boy       Jasmine L. Holmes                            Feb
Dyslexia                                                      Margaret J. Snowling                        March
A Year of Less                                             Cait Flanders                                     April 
The Road Back to You                                 Ian Morgan Cron                                
Educated                                                      Tara Westover                                   May
The Orphan Collector                                  Ellen Marie Wiseman                       
The Power of Now                                      Eckhart Tolle                                    
Men are from Mars, Woman from Venus    John Gray                                         June 
A Man Called Ove                                      Fredrick Backman                            July 
The Body Keeps the Score                         Bressel van der Kolk                          
Commonwealth                                          Ann Patchett                                      Aug
Get Your Sh*t Together                              Sarah Knight                                     Sept
Jim the Boy                                                 Tony Earley                                      Oct
Vicious                                                        V.E Schwab                                      Dec
The Christmas Stories                                Louisa May Alcott                            Dec
A Christmas Carol                                      Charles Dickens                               Dec

Favourite: Educated: Tara Westover   
Worst: Men are from Mars, Woman from Venus

Physically Read: 13
Audiobook: 38
Total: 51

New Annual Reading Goals :
5 Birth ✓
5 Biography
5 Classics
5 C.S Lewis ✓
5 Growth ✓
5 History
5 Pleasure ✓
5 Subject/Place of choice ✓
     (this year was Africa)

An Opening

Warning in advance of some not very sorted stories

Week 2

I haven't listened to as much music as I expected, you know when you're looking for the exact and perfect music that hits the spot of exactly where you are and what you're experiencing? 

Haven't nailed it yet (yet!) 

I'm particular about what music I'll want to associate with these African grounds. 

I wear long flowy skirts and walk back and forth from room to kitchen to hospital. 

The people greet you as you walk by everywhere you go (it's a must and not to be ignored) 

With "You're welcome" (not a response to thank you, but an actual welcoming) 

Or a "Well done!" in place of "have a good day!"

It makes me smile when I hear it. 

The girls and baby Samuel are a blessing in disguise for me because there aren't any other kids around

The people have more stern faces than I expected 

but give you a quick smile if you wave and smile first. 

Mostly because half of them haven't seen a white person 

so it's a little scary and strange to see (that's me: scary & strange)

I'm learning of funny and cute small traditions that are foreign to me. 

Small superstitions like 2 hugs will give you twins, or yawning is a secret sign of hunger. 

The trees so far are gorgeous. They're the best thing to see everyday

I'm not going to tell you about the food because I'm shocked and slightly embarrassed 

(at the sight of myself in a towel: s/o to my veggie fans) 

Of how quickly I tired of rice here!

(Only a little bit ashamed because it's my favourite food of all time) 

Week 3

I realized today that there are not many smells here (at least where I've been)

I got a whiff of the kitchen cooking while in a hotel and it hit me

 that in Peru, there are constant smells- good and bad ones. 

But almost at all times there is a smell of something. 

Here, it's only when you're close to a kitchen actively cooking. 

Smells are amazing

They can be terrible & rotten obviously

But even the trash all over Peru holds a memory 

and throws you back into the streets of Iquitos 

Smells hold memories better than writings sometimes

They love remixing pop songs here

which makes them more tolerable

(But not handsome enough to tempt me)

They have surprisingly good music at times

Think Bob Marly on steroids

They also love DJ Kalhid which makes me laugh

Regardless. I found the music that will hold my memories of this place (not DJ Khalid) 

On Sunday at Church 

(for the first time in what seems like years) 

I heard a whole church congregation turning pages in the Bible

It's such a beautiful sound that you don't hear in US churches anymore. 

I love it

It's like American churches have eliminated the need for the bible

People hardly carry them into churches anymore

Maybe I'm going to the wrong churches haha 

The hospital is full of stories of mothers young and old 

with the cutest babies that I would like to keep. 

And mother's of mother's who usually take me by surprise 

by their behavior, customs, treatment and responses.

but always serve their daughters black tea in their African Gomez dresses.

and always say thank you afterwards 

Week 4+

What different times in comparison to the first few weeks here. 

Building relationships and hearing people's life stories

One of my favourite mornings here was one of my last days 

we went in search for some terrible Nigerian soaps

(Opera soaps as Lydia explained) 

while the soap took its jolly time downloading 

we exchanged stories, country history, and cultural meanings

Tony told me the first time he talked to a white was only 2 years ago 

(he's probably 30) and how he was scared and nervous to speak 

He has stories about living in "the bush" as he says and walking to find water holes 

and the people from "town" who could fetch from a well 

Somehow 8 of us ended up in a circle getting into African Politics

and poor Kiyoungo wasn't taken seriously about taking politics serious 

Should you build a hut and buy land to burry your ancestors or give the house to your wife? 

(You aren't a man til you have a hut of your own to come back to for funerals)

I love the English phrases they use 

and the old man who couldn't say one sentence without laughing halfway through

Gloria plays my ukulele and gets the giggles, its so cute

and dances with literal glee when she can play her songs.

She fits her name well. 

We drive 7+ hours to wedding ceremonies (3 of them) 

on bumpy dirt roads with pot holes the size of water beds 

And talk the whole way of cultural differences and what's acceptable or not. 

about generational awareness and cultural handmedown traditions and mindsets

about grace and about anger 

about whether to make lists for your someone or not (funni)

about adoption and having your own kids or not 

about tolerating conversations with Americans who think they're starving 

and how everythings the worst

coming from a life of fleeing the Sudanese wars 

to plopping into an American life near hollywood

It's all they know 

and they only know what they know 

she said thats what gets her through, thats what she reminds herself

there are many little great things to love about being here.

The roasted corn we eat in our spare time 

that we cook over a coal stove during the longest storm

The storms are beyond gorgeous with lightning that would take anyones breath away

the trees. the trees still win as my favourite

The sunrises I watched during my runs became my favourite routine 

I've learned about the Weaver birds with their cool nests

And went to an Island of chimpanzees (not monkeys even if I still call them monkeys)

Crossing Lake Victoria was peaceful 

and we waited 30mins on the water watching the storm pass in front of us

When in hotels I do devotions on my 4th story balcony 

and wake to the roosters crow across the street

I found out the hotel has a sauna the day before I left and friiiiick. 

Time to wake early to try an African sauna (it didn't work)

I fall asleep to black and white movies on my own when I need it

I mostly only miss strong laughs that you have with close ones

and a little bit of sarcasm cause that clearly doesn't exist here

sometimes I miss a cold glass of milk or cheese because they're not huge on dairy

but thats a tolerable miss

these are only brief insights to random memories I'll hold from here. 

ahh you know

For now I'll leave you with the words that carried through this place

(An Opening- Charlie Cunningham)

"Come in", they said
Come in you might
Be yourself by the fire
The words don't arrive
The stars don't align
This place isn't mine

To see the whole thing as an opening
A glimpse into the world you wouldn't find
And you don't think it's happening

Fragility

There are many things I see and experience in life that could anger me, break me, consume me

Throw you into a pit that could drown you

Confuse you out of your own purpose in life 

Things that make me question

Like the too young mothers who get pregnant but return to the cycle of an abusive life 
Mother's losing their babies 
Or watching the 4yr old malnourished girl have seizures
and then she doesn't make it through the night.
And watching her parents unresponsiveness because they've already lost so many children

The little one who found his mother had taken her own life 
Thinking of the decision of someone to drive into anothers car
and it takes the precious life of others completely uninvolved
Or Bendigo being hit by a car and not making it 
Why should I get hit and make it and he didn't?

Why should one baby make it and not another?
Life is given
Life is taken
Why them? Why such different worlds? 
Why the children? 
Why babies who don't take their first breath?
Why the heartbreak of parents?
Why was I born where I was? 
Why were they?
A fragility that throws you into such a helpless state
It overwhelms you

A heartbreak that we have no answers for
Because you are helpless

It can make you doubt everything in life 

But do we question where life comes from in the first place?

Who gave you that breath you just took?

God is the giver of life
God gives the placement of life 
He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things (Acts)
What can I do in the realm of life and death?

I could sit in my denial or self-consumtion or anger
of what I think is right or not. 

But who am I?

It makes you wonder what the heck God's plan is with all of this of course

Why do these things happen?

Do we consider that we might not be able to fathom what He has in store?

And then God speaks to you through His word, and through worship,
through the life He continues to give all around you
Through the Africans singing: 
"God You are worthy to be praised. 
We give You glory and honor. You are worthy."
Despite what I may see or think
Despite what my life is and anothers isn't
You are still worthy through it all

And I soak humbly in His presence saying 
Crea en mi, crea en mi un corazón sincero
Un corazón que ame tu verdad
Que viva siempre en tu voluntad
God, Your plan is greater than we could ever understand or imagine
Your love is indescribable
Your Grace is far from what we deserve 
How could we question it?
Our simple minds are far too little to even try
I think of conversations years ago 

when we were questioning whether people should travel or not 

because it brings up unsettling comparisons in life. 
Opening the door, exploring reasons we could justify 

(from our human perspective) our own reason.

Of what we think life should and shouldn't be. 
What's fair and what's not (in our eyes of course)
Seeing life and death and the hurts in life
Maybe discontentment with your own placement in life 
(Though you don't need to travel to see and think these thoughts)
But it does bring more exposure to it
And I do believe you probably (hopefully) will
and should recognize this and be challenged by it
Life is a gift
One we don't deserve
One we don't understand 
why were we placed where we were 
Something I'll never understand 
But I trust God's placement of where He chose me to be
For how long He chooses me to be 
Like she told me this morning:
"Life is so fragile
We don't know what minute we might go"
He gives me every next breath I'm taking
Instead of the thoughts that push us to question why for everything we can't understand
I'm learning to stand in awe of God's overall creation 

and plan for something He has formed that I might not ever understand. 
I could let the questions overwhelm me 

and you might even let them push you to question God's love and sovereignty through it
Or you could let God's love and sovereignty push you TO Him. 
Because who am I? 
I am undeserving of His Grace
But yet He covers me completely
And I am His child 
Wow. how humbling to even be able to say that?
And the peace that comes through the simple words of a hymn singing:

To this I hold, my hope is only Jesus

yet not I but Christ who lives in me 

____________________________

This is where my hope lies 
This is where my soul sighs 
And I will always find my rest in You

Just to keep them in my memory

 24hrs awake

14hrs of sleep 
and still a little restless
Whirling thoughts I can't seem to capture
I walk through walmarts plants and flowers
(A good place to release wordless thoughts)
There are yellow & red flowers called Celosia (or Dragons breath) that I touch. 
I like Celosia since its close to spanish
Even though that would be a sorry name for a spanish flower
I can learn to speak Spanish 
But still haven't learned to speak some of my heart in my own language
I hate that my words stop. 

I felt myself shutting down and not saying anything 
I told myself stop it right now renita.
This is no way to be. Stop being like this. 

It's not that I don't know what I mean. 
I know what I mean myself. But can you? 
which words do I need for you to understand? 
I went to church alone mostly to escape an hour of Grandpa explaining the wickedness of the world

& it's immoral clothing choices (like my dress above the knee)
He likes to let his cold cereal sit for an hour before he eats it. He said he likes it mushy. 

(I think that's gross plus who likes anything described as mushy)
He and Grandma have the cold and they don't prefer makeup and earrings.
They had six (undecorated) Christmas trees at church for decoration and that made me happy.

If I was home I would have bought the red gerbera daisies. 

But I can't take a pot of daisies on the plane ride

I guess I could, they might enjoy it

Yesterday when I got in, I accidentally took a 7hr nap, and woke up to Grandpa calling out 

"Renita, are you alive?" 

They were getting worried 

but little do they know how well I can nap. 

I didn't even sleep in the bedroom grandma offered because its dark and a little creepy 

and I preferred the noise of the furnace creaking and the light of the hopper window.

It's quiet on the farm today

All I hear is the wind singing
Be still my soul, be still
My restless thoughts need a place to retire

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

(Something to figure out)

God, I have a couple questions for You.

In Your sincerest opinion? What do You think?

Sitting on the yellow bridge with my tea & a short (my brother names them)

I know this may seem a little less alright 

But here I find a little place to hide
My dad grew up on this land, through these woods and playing in this creek (crick if you ask them) 

I'm trying to calm my unsettled spirit

I don't like being in a whirl

It's an odd feeling of having a lot to think about but without the words

it's a clouded day without the right words

like when Gil mocks Anne 

"Wilt thou give up thy garder o farest of the fares" telling her to cut it out. 

Just say it Anne. You're full of words.

When they're not attainable, I just tell myself to shut up and be calm just listen to these trees sing 

The wind keeps blowing, somewhere everyday

Just dismal thinking on a dismal day

(But not a Jonah day. Not even an Alexander day)

I steal lyrics from songs I love constantly

I throw them in when a thought has triggered the memory of them. 

This scene is shouting the verses of the mountains and hills bursting into song before You, 
and all the trees clapping their hands
I freaking love that chapter
It's close in my heart these days 
Be still, my soul, the waves and wind still know 
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below
Guys. The wind and waves know. 
The mountains and hills sing 
The trees clap 
The rocks cry out 
How the heck is that not incredible

How can we not sing it out with our life?! 

I don't have words 

But they sure know what to do

I bought a celosia to plant by the sauna 
hoping she's there to greet me next year

It's better off this way

Today I felt okay 
last night I slept the lightest I have in months 
(Even if it was only 3 hours)
3hrs can feel like heaven when its right

not the light-sleeper kind 

the good kind uknowhaimsayin 

I woke up and the heavy knot that's been eating at my insides was finally gone

I felt the lightest I have in months  
Theres something about (like ma says)

"all hearts clear?"

that lifts the spirit 
something about talking 

about real blunt honesty 

when they can be too and its not just you

and maybe a couple cries 

and sorries and understandings 
and hugs that feel like home
something about laughing again

omawerh laughing again is heaven too

something about knowing the others jokes

and looks

I still have plenty to figure out
Plenty to understand 

plenty I understand now

Plenty to think about and decide

But today I felt okay 
And that's more than I have in months 
And I couldn't be more happy and content
than just remembering what it's like being okay 

Ruby laughed so hard in her crib she gave herself the hiccups
I played guitar with my babies 
And the dogs who never stop barking 

finally shut up for once and went to sleep praise the Lord 

It's all gonna be OK

cause I know better days are comin babe

hold on another day

I listened to "I'm not okay" on repeat 

knowing full well I'm the most okay I've been in awhile 

knowing that not being okay

was wearing me out

and it was a surreal moment 

of singing about something you finally made through 

We made it
We're okay

its all crazy, its all false, its all a dream 

its alright

A hell of a year in four months
but it taught me about things 

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
things won't ever be the same I know
but it was for something
I hated it for sure 
but I'm okay 

Tontaria sentimientos

I wore a sweater that blended into the couch today

its relatable because it portrays how well i've blended into the nothingness lately

I feel like a crazy person but she tells me i'm not (shes nice to say that even tho i know its wrong)

I feel like that curbside stuff (wont explain cause i know what this means myself)

i love nights on my porch, in my amish rockers

with Leonard singing to me cause he soothes me more than anyone else can

that and The Nationals "About Today" are my most relatable pits 

(if you needed to know)

Am i losing my steadies? I hate that.

literally it kicks me in the gut

thats never an option I choose, but are they choosing that? 

I wish the airplanes above me would take me away

From this and these pits and guts

man, and then that track comes on & I remember 

the time I think i did love you but i tried my damndest to deny it 

but that was years ago now 

now its just a memory that plays with the song

you just walked away

and now so are they

what could i say

how close am I to losing you? tonight

my babies have seen my tears fall a lot lately 

but they don't recognize what it means or why

how can i ask you about today? 

not sure you're ready if you can bail so easily 

but Gods peace be with u my lil bastard boi

(I say this seriously & sincerely with all my heart)

i miss how much you understood 

with all of me i do, and i loved that of you

its why it breaks and hurts so much

but i wish you understood enough & more 

oh my dear that you were

te tengo que dejar 

tengo que dejarte ir

i know your stories and you know mine 

but its not enough 

what a slap in the face its been and is

that this is even an option to let be

to let go

lose the ones you're close to

but thats life?

thats a freakin life

Así es

Y lo odio con todo mi ser

thats rotten (Leonard decided in his song what was rotten, what was fresh) 

It will put a person in the pits (me) 

you guys. its real crummy and sometimes u are too 

thats no way to say goodbye 

My feelings want to say piss on the beards of all of you

But my heart knows it's just aching for you all to be more real and true 

(i know. what a ridiculous sappy baby I sound like)

But like the meditation goes:

Everything and everyone you love and worry about 

..it's all vapor.

So I grow up and maybe I grew into a broken heart

several things in life have broke me 

and who am i kidding. you're one of the things that broke again

if you scatter my ashes after i go

you wont have all the pieces of me i left with everyone else

i leave here broken hearted 

but in heaven i'll be fine