2019

•Snowboarded twice (not enough)
•Drove a 2019 car with only 39 miles on it. Freshest car I've driven yet.
•‎Nannying made me develop a love for pirate booty cheese puffs. What can I say
•Bought a car above the 2000s (hehuhho finally crossed over guys)
•I learned the word Diuresis exist. And I'm kinda upset I lived 24 years before learning it.
•Went to The Gathering Place in Tulsa (it is the bomb) I love that someone made that place free to the public. Whoever did that had one massive corazón to share. and PTL cause I love that place now with todo mi corazón
•Nashville is a funny place cause you can find people who are still living in Johnny Cash's day and it's a pretty darn good thing.
•I tried my first Affogato in Nashville thanks to Morgan's suggestion. so good. I don't know how I lasted so long without one.
•‎March 10th. Bought a most expensive purchase of life.
•I bought 2 books about the "Dos and Donts" for husband's and wife's. They are hilarious because of the way they're so wrong and right. They are perfect toilet readings and it might be one of my best buys this year.
•Joined the Twitter world for the firsts, because I figured I'm such a funny person I was doing the world an injustice by not sharing my hilarity (i'm not rly that funni)
•I don't understand families who don't keep milk in their fridge at all times.
•Played the first time on an organized sports team. Peru and Argentina taught me how to play volleyball, but I didn't think I would ever put it to the test on a team in the US.
(Not that any of my teammates let me play or anything. But they just didn't know my hidden talent, so sucks to be them. also we lost so hahahahaa)
•But I learned that the flexible life (travel life realistically) doesn't run well with weekly scheduled games. Maybe I'm not committed to sports enough to show up on a weekly basis (idk who knows)
•It snowed on April 2nd. And I couldn't be more proud of NC for getting the winter memo down. Thank you for giving us more winter this year.
•My brother taught me about Schadenfreude so thats funny.
•Attended my 3rd birth ever and you better believe tears of joy were on a roll when my niece arrived
•Was also my first "Doula" at a birth (S/0 to my homies who were the bomb and asked me)
•Learned one of my favourite pieces on the Violin (Schindler's List) and Gracias a Gregorio for being so critiquing in every lesson. Hes funniest when he yells and bangs his feet and claps his hands like I'm deaf & cant hear "Rrrreeneeda pls. for once make me cryy" (im just rlly bad at playing the violin)
•My lessons make me laugh and cringe at myself
•Ok but seriously Gregorio is so loud its hilarious.
he yells at me about not taking my life (violin) seriously and hes so right its funny.
I'm still wondering if I go for violin lessons or life lessons
•Ran my 1st MudRun 5K and yes running in mud and obstacles were a good idea whoever thought of it. thank you genius
•Biked the farthest yet in my lyfeeee!... 11mile bike ride. Z&L are in on something I could pick up on
•Saw 5 wild bears roaming the Smokies and my heart couldn't have been happier to see bears in my own homestate.
•1st White-Water-Rafting! holy freaking cow why haven't I been doing this every day of my life?
•Watched a babe Elk run up and down a highway more lost than me tryna use technology. Great show
•Hiked to the top of Le Conté Mnt. in the Smoky Mnts of TN. 11 freaking miles. And holy cow. Did I think I would ever be able to say I've done a hike that long? Who knows if I'll ever beat that again, but the view was 5miles high worth it.
(does that sentence count as a sentence and does it make sense? Does to me)
•Forgot my best jacket on a flight. So now I made myself a rule of never traveling without a jacket of many pockets.
•Saw my first wild Moose in AK (minus my childhood eyes) it was my goal last year and I never got to see one, so PTL this was the year. (S/O to Derek for spotting it in the lake on our travels)
•Saw 4 moose and 3 babies in one day. I love seeing moose. Have you even them?
Basically if my kids ask for a pet moose for Christmas they won't have to beg me.
•We also saw some mountain goats of Alaska, but I guess I'll have to see if I'm living in the mountains for my kids to have mountain goats or not.
•Hiked the Butte in Wasilla, Alaska. Even if it was only 1mile. My cousins thought it would be funny to take us up a freakin mile long ladder straight to the heavens. Only 2 days after an 11 mile hike, so idk how it worked, but it felt like the last mile I would ever do in my life and the Lord was taking me up to Him
•Hiked the Portage Pass Trail in Whittier Alaska (by far one the best hike I've done in my life. Beautiful view. Not a hike that almost killed me and made me regret my life decisions. Picnic by a huge ice cold lake with a giant glacier coming from the mountains)
•Stood on a glacier in the middle of the Alaskan lake... That leads to the oceans. So basically stood on a glacier in the ocean.
•Tried out VR goggles for the first time with my 3 steadies of AK
•I was in a thrift store wandering around, and out of the nowhere decided to pull a random book off the shelf without reading the title... WOULD YOU BELIEVE. my heart stopped and I had a mild child heart attack. Do you know what that is? That is the child in you having a heart attack because the BOOK YOU PULLED OFF was your CHILDHOOD FAVORITE OF ALL. I basically cried forever. And you know I had the whole thing read to me in the car before I even got home.
•White water rafted for the 2nd time ever in my life. On the Alaska Denali river! The view was to cry and die for. The water was ice cold and when we jumped in, it was amusing because the wet suit suctions to your body and made you feel like you're swimming in a trash bag (we weren't)
•Surf boarded behind a boat for firsts. I went into it having little faith in myself or my friends. HahA who are we to prove ourselves wrong?! We diiiid.
•I met my ole pal of no toes once again and boi was it the biggest surprise of my year.
•Derk taught me how to change my car headlights, which okay fine, isn't a huge accomplishment to some. But better late than even later...even if I'm 24yrs old. Who the rip is to say it isn't a huge accomplishment. So, holla for headlightsss
•I agreed to dog sit for a week and that's probably the worst decision I've made this year. Just because I still don't understand people making dogs high maintenance. (frig all dogs)
(Braisen would agree with me if he only knew how high maintenance her frigign species tries to be)
•How many more layers do I need when I travel?  When will the airplanes stop being an ice box?
•Sometimes I wonder if I need glasses.. or if it's normal for entire cities to glow into one big cloudbox
•I spent $1.19 to be reminded why I never eat at McDs. Even if it is $1.... huulo it shows.
•Sent lil sis Cait off out of country & I couldn't be happier for her to live it up out of the Amerilands
•Took a trip to Tulsa OK for a week and went to bed before midnight everynight! What is this?? Idk maybe I need to be out of state to feel the tires before midnight
•I lost my Alaska hoodie and the day I found it at my friends house 2 months later, I def cried.
(I might have been crying already for other purposes, but hey)
•Ran my another 5K thanks to KT convincing me, also the free Tshirt that I never wear helped.
•Amazon Prime is bad for my health because I know I can have something in 2 days and my heart won't be settled til I have that poetry book or yerba maté in 2 days. I've heard there's this thing called self-control but honestly they should have put that in their terms and conditions before letting you have it.
•Went to Novo Amor concert and cried when he sang my favourite best song.
Of course you can't not cry when he's pouring out his heart straight into others hearts. Gosh
•Oscar Wilde man. He wildin out. I love him
•I pre-ordered my first book on something everyones been talking about & I said I was never gonna be one of those ppl. Idk if it's just the way the sun decided to rise that day, but I just decided in 1sec "Yes I'm gonna be that person starting rn" So here I am & now what can we do
•Attended my 4th birth, and 2nd as a Doula.
•I audio booked plenty of my favourite books this year. wowwhat a blessing someone came up with
•An egg on a pancake used to be my go-to pancake creation, but a new and improved grew on me, so I guess egg/pancake grew away from me
•Set a new record for farthest distance I've run
•Moved into my 3rd apartment in life.
•Looking back I think the Lord did bless me with a wise ole lady to guide me in the secrets of life
•Thanksgiving with Finns
•Introduced Les Mes to a new one and Lawd that is one of the best things I did this year.
•Black Friday shopping with Asheboro friends and a French boy is funny and interesting cause people are entertaining and different.
•I had McDonald's for a late dinner (1am) of Thanksgiving, and my heart broke a little because I feel like I betrayed the day of quality food and crossed the other side to the land of barely acceptably named food. (This was not of my choice of course. MacDonald's happens to be the only food available on TG and of course my friends had to choose the only choice. And of course I had to choose my friends over my preference of food) gross. but we had a good time
•I described Stuffing the food. to a person and that was a funny thing to describe because it's usually something that doesn't get described so when you finally do, you realize what a weirdo food it is, and also I've never even liked Stuffing the food ever in my life so it makes sense to be weird to me
(sorrinotsorri for my talented grammar and sentences)
•I played a second semester in the Orchestra and it was a beautiful thing. I wasn't the best and should have learned more. But the pieces were beautiful and musicians always amaze me and I'm still learning and loving it
•S/O to the .4 of people who know good music and have given me new stuff. Thanks for keeping your spotifys open and sharing playlists, and sending songs. My heart is blessed
•I learned a ton from my best friend. About myself, about others, about things you wouldn't think to learn. I appreciate and love that
•I bought a book solely because it's was titled "Bread". Because I love books and I love Bread. And combining them both... some genius out there knew how to get me to buy their book.
•Got my first Acrylic nails (which means fake nails for anyone who's like me and doesn't understand nail language) apparently the life I live doesn't have room for acrylic nails so
I kicked them back out of my life as soon as I gave them permission
•Dog & Cat--sat (again) several times, and everytime swore I would NEVER do it again. I can't understand ppls infatuation with animals and the fact that they can't enjoy their vacation because they're worried about their animals that THEY COOPED UP! (Hint: don't freaking coop up your darn animals) and if you go on vacation and leave someone to watch them... do that?
•Mini MnMs became delicious to me. Even though I had them a grand total of maybe 3x.
They won me over quick
•Holistromboli ppl are so beautiful and thoughtful. especially on birthdays when they get you beautiful things   (Thank you with all my heart)
•Opera music is insane and ppl nowadays need to remember/realize the art and beauty in it.
•I ordered more packages on Amazon than all my years put together I'm sure
•People who aren't willing to try new foods or new things or life are weird to me. Weird but okay
•I rediscovered my appreciation for a large bed and waking up early enough to stay longer in your bed solely for the enjoyment of stretching out and being in bed. I repeat.
•Oops. I got in the habit of sleeping with more than 1 pillow... It's just a nice additional bonus habit. But I don't plan on making it a required habit because that obviously means high maintenance, and I'm obviously not about that HML
•My g8t sis Larm fulfilled my forever need of a large stock in Maté and I'm forever grateful, cause what a cry it would be for my shelf to be barren.
• Once at a friends I was using their massager & I said hey, I'm buying this from you. and he said okay sounds good. and sold. now my life is a lil nicer
•Got addicted to wearing only comfy clothes so sorry not sorry for constantly looking like the comfiest sweatshirt you always wanted.
•Theres nothing really serious in these bonus features of my year.
This is just mildly surface-y remembrances of firsts and weird things and foods that grew on or away from me
•I've now lived a year of my life being called by my middle name from 8 different ppl. So I'm making progress. and names are a funny thing to be new to you. And then funny to be normal to you but barely anyone else
•2 of my sibs think I'm such a great Aunt they decided to give me more babies next year to be the best
•(No rlly, I'm positive thats really the reason)
•srsly frkin excitd. #13 & #14
•Red sauce is not in my fan-book.
•Do I talk about food too much?
•Don't say something about someone in front of their face and then not explain it to them. Wow rude. How old are you? Do you have any awareness about you and others?
•Starting taking advantage of the world of podcasts. They have everything wow
•Windshield wipers being on unnecessarily somehow snuck into being an annoyance to me. Dumb I know. But rlly? Why you keep them on when ur window dry?? Or why use fast when the rain is barely falling? idk bare with me. I'll get over it.
•I went to my first revolving sushi bar. Wowie its like another world in there
•Found my biggest problem in Alaska with my 3 steadies (TY for helping a lost soul)
•My sis LynZ gave me cold feet cushy healing remedy socks. So solved my cold feet syndrome.
•For Christmas I found the perfect gift intended for my sister, so perfect I debated keeping it myself. I gave it to her and broke my self desire. THEN bam, my friend comes over a week later AND DO YOU KNOW. It was the EXACT gift. wow. these are the times we know God is real.
•Went to numerous Orchestras and Concerts. Grace and I decided we're soulmates with the elderly because we were always the youngest at the Orchestras.
•Attended my 5th birth, and 3rd as a Doula.
•The last half of my year flew by too fast to make any good points
•Christmas is very good to us. but Jesus is even better to us
•I'm sorry for not having very many profound points to share with you from this year.
•It was a profound year, but I don't need the points to tell me that, so neither do you

Fav thing I bought: "Dos and Don'ts for Husbands and Wives", my Alaska hoodie that I live in, Novo Amors album, The Halal Gyro from a food Truck
Books read this year: 50 (see previous post)
Flights this Year: 10
States visited: 9
    VA, SC, MD, GA, OK, AR, TN, AK, FL  (wow so lame I know) 
Countries Visited: WHO EVEN AM I for not getting fresh none American air this year.
Travel days this year: 116 Days  (1 month working in AK tho)
    (beat my score last year by 10days whut whuuutt)
wow the Lord has blessed my life. Who am I to be so blessed and able to travel? I love it. TYJesus

Top 10 of this year:
 -Babies Births
 -Family
 -Traveling/Alaska
 -Being in Orchestra/my teacher hilariously yelling at my life
 -Discovering Cookouts Cheese Curds
 -Writing new things
 -Books
 -Time w/my best
 -All the times the Lord teaches me
 -when I laughed my hardest

Bookshelf of 2019

2019 Reading Goal:  Read 20 Physically         (Got about 15 physically read)
                                  Audiobook at least 20+   (Idk you count the rest)

yall keep hatin on audiobooks all you want. or don't count them as books.
but how many extra books are you squeezing in physically?
Would you rather no books or audiobooks? Answer seems pretty obvious to meeeeee
Hear with your ears, or read with your eyes
(Not to underestimate the best feeling of actually holding a physical book...
cuddled in bed at night, sipping steaming tea, or turning pages, or reading in the backseat of a car...)
I love it. I do, but does life always permit you to read physically? noobraah
but should that stop your reading, hearing, learning, growth?
idk. Sounds a little close minded to me if a book is only a book if you hold it.
bahahaa what about when Mr.Collins read to the sisters?
Did that not count as them knowing the book
and they all had to go back and physically read it themselves?
lol yalls reasoning isn't a reason at all

 BOOK                                               AUTHOR                                                     MONTH
War and Peace                                   Leo Tolstoy                                                      Jan
Inferno                                               Dante Alighieri                                                Feb
As A Man Thinketh                           James Allen                                                     Feb
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow          Washington Irving                                            Feb
The Metamorphosis                           Franz Kafka                                                     Feb           
The Yellow Wallpaper                       Charlotte Perkins Gilman                                Feb
Brave New World                              Aldous Huxley                                                 Feb
The Water Babies                               Charles Kingsley                                            March
The Fall of the House of Usher          Edgar Allen Poe                                             April
A House of Pomegranates                 Alex Lau                                                          May
Phantom of the Opera                        Gaston Leroux                                                 May
The Man of Property                         John Galsworthy                                              May
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame         Victor Hugo                                                    August
Treasure Island                                   Robert Lois Stevenson                                   August
Dracula                                               Bram Stoker                                                   Oct
Madame Butterly                               John Luther Long                                           Dec

The Giver (Giver Series #1)               Lois Lowry                                                      Feb
Son (Giver series #4)                              "                                                                  March

The Man Who Would be King          Rudyard Kipling                                               Feb
The Jungle Book                                       "                                                                March

The First Men in the Moon               H.G Wells                                                         March
The War of the Worlds                             "                                                                 April
The Time Machine                                   "                                                                 May

Slaughterhouse 5                               Kurt Vonnegut                                                  March
Breakfast of Champions                           "                           
Cats Cradle                                               "
Welcome to the Monkey House               "

The Picture of Dorian Gray               Oscar Wilde                                                    March
The Importance of Being Ernest             "                                                                 March
Lady Windermere's Fan                          "                                                                 April       
An Ideal Husband                                   "                                                                 May
The Soul of Man                                     "                                                                 May

Flappers and Philosophers                F.Scott Fitzgerald                                           April
The Camels Back                                    "
The Offshore Pirates                               "
The Pat Hobby Stories                            "

Oliver Twist                                       Charles Dickens                                            June
A Tale of Two Cities                               "                                                               August
Nicholas Nickleby                                   "
A Christmas Carol                                   "

Adam Bede                                        George Eliot                                                  August
Middlemarch                                          "
The Mill on the Floss                             "
     
Lady Susan                                         Jane Austen                                                   Sept.
The Watsons                                           "

The Man Who Was Thursday             G.K Chesterton                                             Oct.
The Father Brown Stories                      "                                                                 Nov.

My French Master                             Elisabeth Gaskell                                           Dec
Lizzie Leigh                                           "   
Morton Hall                                           "

Total Books of 2019: 50

Catch me at -
https://www.goodreads.com/user_challenges/16353610

howboudat

if someone asked a boy what are you thinking? and they say nothing. this is probably what nothings means to them

My feet have been cold for 3 weeks straight
Its almost the end of the year
The radio is playing Christmas music and I love switching to a Christmas station on accident
sometimes I switch just to know its still there
I drive with the heat blaring the whole drive (most of the whole)
If anyone rides with me, I usually freeze cause they don't like heat blaring for longer than 2 seconds
I sleep sometimes when I remember to
still waiting on Adele to release another album
I'm reading books before I go to sleep and boy is it good for your soul
or I write nonsense in books that makes no sense (hence the nonsense)
I'm going to read poetry out loud to my next pet fish (pls get me one for Christmas)
to practice the art of reading aloud, so I can be like Mr.Collins
Mr.Collins is a high up there strive to be person for me (I would tell you why in this parenthesis but I'll just pass this time)
My phone dies several times a day because its a high maintenance phone
I'm too laz to maintain and upkeep anything high maintenance
why you so laz
why you so high maintenance
Falling asleep on the couch staring at the Christmas tree is basically a part of Christmas.
I love to sleep to the lights on the tree
I forget to respond to text messages
The playlists on my Spotify are basically out of control because either I don't have time to organize them or I find new music too fast, or my mood changes too quickly
I didn't finish all my resolutions, but have you ever met someone who has?
my new resolution will be to meet someone who's finished their resolutions (they must be decent)
I would love if the Lord would to send me new friends who are cool and not lame
your mom goes to college
If someone invented something to brush my teeth without me having to brush them that would be g8t
my friend said something rude and illogical today but its fine cause they live far away
my sister is living far away but she wasn't rude and illogical today so
would you like to bring me an egg nog milkshake on your way home?
wow I learned a lot from some good sermons this week
I barely capitalize or punctuation today and it hasn't been bothering me
but sometimes it does randomly, and then I don't care again
I drive through random neighborhoods in my free time cause I want to see the lights
I see the light (shine the light so we can see your faces)
we don't have any!
This makes no sense to you, but tons to me
I'm learning about new theories, and people are literal lunatics but thats not something new I learned
(old news)
pls remember to not forget to share what you're actually thinking loonie
in the time I've written this scrawl my sister has handmade a hanging basket
however this makes no one the lesser successful than the other
only maybe more admirable
she is cooler than me for this obvio
much to your disappointment (iknow)
Are heated socks a thing?
my feet are freezing

Casi

i heard a song that meant something to someone and was supposed to mean something to me and i'm not sure that it did but i think it was supposed to

ouch
yall ever put a song on
on accident
and it brings back so much nostalgia your whole world freezes for a second
just smacks you right in the face
and you stuck
lol your whole body gone and you done. hailstorm yes you done for
and then you gotta finish freezing the whole song through because
you can't
you can't just keep carrying on with your life !
as if this song is just a song !
a normal. a nothing. ?!
no no
ouch. hurtz
its nostalgia kicking you straight up and down
and do you think you will function during this song?
and do you think you'll be able to carry on with you life?
do you really?
cause no you won't HAAA. no function. no carry on
sometimes standing in apartments cooking a pot of white rice does the same thing
all the places I've cooked rice
ouch
too much nostalgiaz
can you handle it?
I need to make a nostalgia rice song
for my moments of this
will that happen? prah nah.
but Ill be nostalgia about it anyway
Ill be nostalgia?
I am nostalgia

melting life

"My life is just melting away like ice on a summer day."
One of my wisest oldest ladies of my current life
told me that this week
and boy is she right.
not about her life specifically
but everyones
ours
yours
mine

on something about examination

I have this idea of being able to step outside of myself and see myself from another
logical very intuitive, wise, a lot of knowing person.
for the most part when I'm trying to make a large decision in my life
I'll try to step into that outside
I'll try step into that outside through parts of the day, small parts of my life, large parts, all of it
I'm still trying to pull together everything that my mind and heart are trying to think about
trying to define between what is fear or worry, hurts or ideals, desires, hopes, wrongs or rights,
sometimes fighting each-other, or maybe one reprimanding the other
I know the feeling in myself when I need it. Maybe push myself into it, and think outside
or sit in some music, creating random nothings that will hardly make sense to a shallow
or write out an explanation for my temporary silence towards the world or towards whatevers going on
Whats in your restless mind?
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense now because I turned on a song that brought me into a whole new path of thoughts
(this is called distraction. And I'm still not sure if I did it on purpose or not)
and now my brain is like that old rollercoaster tycoon game we used to play where nothing made sense cause it was all over the place but it also all made sense at the same time (mostly to your ideal self)
I don't know the answerz. haaallllp. anybodi want to come sit in my corner and give me all the answers to life?
Like shouldn't there be some beautiful wise old grandma out there who has been through proably all these same experiences and can sit you down and whip you back in shape with a sharp tongue
"Listen debbie. you've got it all mixed up. pull yourself together and think a little clearer"
Can someone pls send her my way? Tell her I've got the kettle going and it never empties and also I'll make her cookies and maybe draw her a poorly drawn portrait at her request
escucháme gente
I need a little more discipline in my life
51 million things to accomplish in order to have your successful life that you think I should have
should I care about that? or whats going on in my rollercoaster tycoon?

me duele

In the light it hurts my eyes
I see you standing there
telling me you love me
and then its run off
into the night of another day
Does the sun change you
or the moon and stars?
I've found them to be more faithful than you
In the night it hurts me 
I see you cry       
though I know
as the sun rises
you'll change this disguise
I'd welcome
I'd love you
but its hard
with this hurt
thats killing in my eyes

is it morning?

How do we know it's morning if the sun doesn't rise?
How do we know we have a heart if we don't feel anymore?
How do we stay alive when we forget how to breath?
How do we sleep if we're afraid of our dreams?
How do we remember when we taught ourself to forget?
How do we forget when we're trying to remember?
How do we know the waters ready if the kettle doesn't whistle?
How would you know you're a runner if your legs were cut off?
How do you know its love if it isn't love?

Q. felt funni, might delete later

I'm sorri yall.
The Question app asked so I answered.
you're welcome

Q. WHY ARR YOU STILL SINGLE?                               (so who told this app I'm single first of all?)
@the couples doing couply things who want you to have some1 so you'll stop 3rd wheeling (wont stop sorri), the girls 5yrs younger than me with boifrnds (unnecessary really), anyone from South America who thinks white means $$ and green-card, Mom trying to advertise she has an old maid available, siblings who try to be funny (I'm funnier sorri), friends, Nick from Walmart, Naz the Indian, the parent generation who thinks online-dating is of the Lord

(these are sorts of responses I say to the above people OR (the catch) people say of me)
you decide. (just remember what you decide may not be truth)

cause I'm the queen and everyone else is the sorry people

cause I don't talk to bois

cause I don't know any good bois 

cause I (people think) don't open up to ppl (lies)
cause I don't open up (easily) to ppl (some of you are dumb. so yes)

cause I travel and don't stay in the same place long enough to get to knows anyones (worthit)

cause ppl don't like girls with blonde hair from big families (haha more than one idiot has said this)

cause I'm a strange weirdo why would you date mi (I would date me if I found me in someone else)       (wait what?) Explanation: ppl arent good weird or strange anymore. If they are its the creepy kind
cause bois are creepy strange and creepy weird
cause bois arent as interesting as I am (see above^) (how can they compete rly where are the options)

cause I don't think anyone would actually (actually) date me (lus be real)

cause I'm opinionated about my opinions (and everyone else's)
cause I don't give the bois I already know a chance (cause they don't need it)
cause I can't text good enough for people (lame excuse rly find another way)
cause I don't give anyone a chance (give me a reason to lolz) Jk I'm not heartless

cause I'm stubborn (ehh)

cause I don't know any gud bois to like (true)

cause bois are immature (holycrap true)
cause I'm immature (debatable but likely true.. take this post for example)
cause there are no beautiful bois for my eyes to behold

cause bois don't know how to talk to girls (thats really all there is to say)

cause bois are scarrddy fraddy cats (gosh SO scared its freakin annoying. werk up sum nerve kid)

cause my family is scary for fraddys to handle (understandable)
cause I don't take a lot verr seriously (almost never)

cause I'm mean and don't take bois seriously (even less)
cause I talk verr sarcastic allz the time & bois don't get it (never)
cause bois don't get much (over their heads)
cause these responses are repetitive
cause I talk in incorrect english and its hard to understand
cause I'm vurr gud @ maykin uhp wurhds & phr8ses & cpeleng thet peepull caint uhndurstuand

please note the entire post is of chiste (jokes)
and not to be taken into your next therapy session talk you try to have with me
(I am confidently okay as much as you may think I'm not)

¿me entiendes?

me siento tan vacío por algo que no se si existe
me siento un temor y no se como calmarlo
me siento que a veces no me siento nada

ula'ula

I bought a floating red sweater 

mostly because it was red

also because its floating

you may look better in that dark blue sweater when its cold

but I love the red because it reminds me of my biggest problem

my biggest problem is buying things in the wrong shade of red

and we all laughed

very deep mind you.

buying the wrong red is a fool move

and my three who share a memory & laugh of my biggest problem

thank you red for giving me a biggest problem
to laugh at myself with my steadies 

you made that partly forgetful

I wiped pretend tears away from my face
since I don't actually cry about it anymore (unless I do)
I figured I should stop thinking
and it would solve the non-existing problems you thought were there
the non-existing problems I think are here
I'm here
non-existing with pretend tears running down my face

View from a wheelchair pt.II

I'm not going to believe it and neither are you
heres good news for you and me
I ran into a lil ole man on the sidewalk of my hotel
but would you believe me if I told you he had no toes?
The lil man who lost his toes last year and told me to not miss out on being in Alaska.
This time he told me advice every other sentence (we passed a lot of sentences)
To never take my toes for granted
He told me how he wished he could have an ascetic leg and be back up and running.
We talked about meeting a year ago, I asked him if he remembered
And he called me the girl who sat on the curb at night
We gave our names this time and said nice to meet you Kerry again
after a years worth of toes healing. He gave me the update on how they were
(gone)
sorri not sorri, I had to
But whens the last time you received an update a year later on toes?
He told me he's moving so he'll probably never see me again...
unless he does.
I guess that's how it works Kerry, you're right
I think Kerry has somewhat of a short memory, he liked to tell short stories
and sometimes he repeated himself.
But that could just be an age thing of people who like to tell stories.
I do that sometimes so I'm basically short of memory too.
He must have a bit of long memory left
cause he asked if I'm still working outside and making freckles
"working outside and making freakles"
WhAT.
somebody get this guy a something good (award)
What a memory. bahaha. I can't. Could you?
I told him yes, it's the sun who gives them to me.
And he said
"Well of course! It's not like you can buy them off the street!"
And he pretended to ask a vender for some freckles
Where does he come up with this stuff? What.. did you just, what?
And he is right.
And I laughed again
inside and out from Kerry and his freckle jokes
Who would have thought that Kerry with no toes would still be here one year later
taking his walks up and down sidewalks
And we would meet
and he would give me laughs about memories of freckles and having no toes

You took me walking through the town

I should be sleeping 

but how can I be sleeping when its daylight at night

when I dream old dreams 

that used to mean something but mean nothing by morning 

when I wake up to pee and the temperature tells me nothing 

about what I should expect

the candle in my room is a cover for more than bad sweats and smelly socks

I remember I need to forget

forget about the stupid stomach churns I woke up with on accident

it makes my stomach turn in knots made of old anger 

and stuffing stupid tears back down again

Its dumb and I’m dumb and I try to forget about remembering 

that was rude of my dreams to remind me about something that meant nothing

that was rude of you to still sing songs that mean nothing to you

the first rain I knew here was appropriate for those forgotten songs

like she knew my tears were dried and gone but the rain still fell for me instead

how can a soul still sing about something if it means nothing?

Im trying to understand it right now but it makes me piss mad 

and I can't get through it to understand it

my window view is soft hues of pink and grays because the sun won't go down 

do people ignore the fact that they forgot about something?

are you trying to forget or don't care to keep caring?

one time I used to wake up at 4am on a steady bases for a short period of nothing

what does that count as when I'm in another time zone? 

is that why I'm awake?

Repeat until death

Am I okay if I listen to the same 3 minute song for the same 3hrs?
Am I okay?
What is okay?
Who is okay?
Why is okay?
You tell me.
So I can maybe find them
And find out how to be okay
And ask them what is it like to be okay

Elephants 4 nobodi

Sometimes I wish someone I knew loved elephants
so I could pick up the great ones I see.
(if you love them and I know you, I don't know you love elephants)
I want to buy them, but I don't like them for myself.
I don't know if that makes sense.
Why would I want to buy them if I don't like them?
I don't know.
I feel like it would be great to just see a tiny elephant
and pick it up and think:
"Hey Sally, I saw this elephant and thought of you"
And behold Sally loves the elephant.
I don't know.
Is it weird to wish for a friend to like elephants so you can buy random ones errwherr?
Honestly elephants would be a good thing to collect.
They're almost wherever you go
But also kind of obnoxious (just for myself in my brain to collect for myself)
Just wait til you walk into Sally's house and she has shelves and shelves of elephants.
All the elephants people have "Hey Sally, picked this up! Thought of you!"
Just staring down at you while you sip tea with Sally.
Just a funny large stampede of elephant shelves.
Yeah... I couldn't collect them myself.
But I'm fine with giving them.
or with Sally collecting them
Who wants to collect elephants?
What if I have a friend who likes them
and I don't know about it
for shame, for shame
I saw 2 good ones I would have bought for you today.
Idk.

I was wishing I had an Echosphere myself (feel free to buy me one)
And thought about buying elephants for whoever else

2018

•I didn't jump in the pond on New Year's for the 1st time in probs. 8 yrs
•I didn't know what a beef brisket was but Josiah showed me
•I went to one of my bucket-list shows Phantom of the Opera and cried inside and out
•I went to Concord Mills without buying a Cinnabon for my Mom for the first time (she wasn't home)
•‎Us friends sent Daniel off and it was the first time sending a friend out of Country (so glad and
    jealous for a friend leaving the US. Praise the Lord he gets some fresh non American air)
•‎Had my first Thai food
•‎Learned how to bleed oil on sauna engine
•‎Snowboarded in New Hampshire
•Snowboarded Mud-boarded on a Carolina Mnt. of mud. I mean both ways get you down the slope?
•‎Night boarded past midnight for the 1st
•‎Always wanted to know what would happen if you hit those construction cones on the highway.
  One less mirror and $200 less dollars is what it's like. But hey, I hit one. Have you ever done that?
•‎I shot a mini-cat because I hate them with all my heart.
•‎I'm calling it a mini-cat cause I hate cats more than kittens
  but I hated this kitten so it became a mini-cat
•‎I can't believe I killed an animal but I also don't feel bad because it was a despicable cat that was a      harm to the smelling environment, waking environment, getting into everything it shouldn't     environment.
•‎Got a full-time nanny job in Charlotte with a richy Fam
•‎Got to know the Charlotte area some mores
•‎Traveled as a travel-nanny for the first time. (NYC y'all)
•‎Took a Cinnabon on a plane and it still stands as the best thing I've ever eaten on a plane
•I carried a baby all around NYC and we had a good time. just me and the babe
•‎Bought my first hot dog from an actual hotdog stand
•‎Bought a gyro off the NYC streets and it was everything it was supposed to be
•‎Spent half my time in NYC in the woods of Central park (the other half was spent watching the     St.Pattys people parade around in kilts & bagpipes and shout funny things)
•‎My beautiful sister got married and I basically cried and didn't know what to say for a year because    I'm no good with words that mean more than the most words could ever mean
•‎Wuz surplized at suum conversations that happened this year
•‎The 2nd best animal I've ever loved died and we wrote our good Braisen poems and songs.
•‎Braisen was the funniest dog because he (oops she) knew how we are about animals and still stuck
 around and made sure to get into all our family photos and eventually we all loved it
•‎‎‎I watched 18 of the Marvel Movies leading up to Infinity War coming out. (That was a lot for me)
  I finally caught up on what the rest of the world has been up to (Hah who am I keedin. still not)
•‎I drove across the US following my brothers black trailer and it was basically heaven in a car-ride.
 I didn't use a GPS, I just kept the trailer in sight and I sang to myself for 3 days straight.
•‎I saw desserts of Cacti and I freaked the entire time cause they are perfect new things to freak about
•‎I told Kaleb & Christina everyone has to get stuck in the dessert once in their lifetime
•‎Bam. next day got stranded in the dessert and so now my life is completing
•‎I stole a cactus from the Arizona desert and took it home to NC
•‎I pet a string Rey for the first and fed it shrimp
•‎My love for tacos still grows (kaint stop wont stop)
•‎I got annoyed with rich people more this year - just the snobbish ones who think they're rich
•‎I left the country (POR FIN) praise the Lord for getting a breath of fresh none American air.
•‎I added a new country to my life. Thnx to KT living in fresh none American air land
•‎Puerto Rico is like South America but with fast food... so its basically America... but not
•‎Every week I told myself I would start running regularly. So now I know what its like to   
  procrastinate for a year. (yall. 2017 I had it down. 2018 couldn't find it)
•‎Had the biggest scare of my life but saw God work miracles and show us how great is His love
•‎God saved our little babe and blesses her and us with her continued life
•‎I listened to more Audiobooks this year than my other 23 years combined
•‎Want to thank Clarissa for creating and leaving her Spotify playlist visible so I could find Dotan and
  his beautiful sounds
•‎I like sautéed broccoli a little more
•‎Someone tried convince me cottage cheese was delicious. I told them it was of the devil
  but then I took back my words cause cats are the of the devil not cottage cheese.
•‎I quit a nanny job for the 1st time on account of the family being very unwelcoming and snobby-rich
•‎I got my 2nd apartment in life
•‎I signed up for Midwifery classes and I'm still very nervous inside about it all
•I still have little idea of how I'm doing in life (someone wanna tell me whats up? thnx)
•‎I tried a pipe for the first time. Thanks to Uncles who love to enjoy life from the porch & a hammock
•‎I snuck away to the beach for the day with no one knowing.
  Now you all know. You're welcome
•‎Watched 4th of July Fireworks over a baseball field. Can't believe I combined the 2 most American     things in one. But I didn't eat a hotdog so... theres still hope
•‎Jeremiah (plus others) tried to help me like BBQ. Its a hopeless case.
 He said I would like it in Texas, I'll have to go back to Texas land to be convinced
•‎I flew to Alaska to work Construction with my Dad
•‎My Dad taught me:
-about the Alaskan territories
-‎about crazy Alaskan drivers in the snow
-‎how to set forms and prepping concrete
-how to screw into metal forms
-how to drive a forklift
-how to load a forklift
-how to load a semi truck
-how to ratchet strap a load down
 (Ratchet straps almost got the best of me but Dad finally explained it to me (nicely)...
  Obviously not before he let me struggle and get frustrated first. Experience is teacher right?
  Experience is a laugh sometimes)
-about how semi trucks have a crank to roll up their straps.. makes sense cause saves so much time
-about 10&13 &18 speed trucks
-‎About getting up early for 40yrs and breaking your back doing concrete and never stopping.
-About being hurt for years and still not knowing what to say about it or to it
-About living the day by day life
-About forgetting to make your daughter a sandwich so giving her yours instead
-About wanting something but not knowing how to get it or where to find the strength to fight for it
•‎I loved the one mountain of Alaska I could see
•‎Talked to a man in a wheelchair about making my freckles into stick-figures.
•Spent time at my Grandparents in WA and the Matsons are funny people. Not cause they say funny      things but because they do funny things and everyone is quiet when they should laugh sometimes.
•‎Every time I visit the Matson side, I learn a little more about myself, my fam and why things are
‎‎•‎Rode an Aerial Tram to see the views of Portland. & there are only 2 in the US. So we're on top of it
•‎Grandpa knows how to do everything & Grandma uses the best phrases that I like to quote
•‎Rode for the first time in a Flex
•‎Played Top Golf for firsts. I don't know how to hold a club or stand correctly but I was winning the
  whole time and it's funny seeing ppl get mad that the rules don't always make a person win.
  Y'all just learning that?
•I passed my bday in a car at midnight for the first time
•I bought myself all the birthday presents
•Jk. my wonderful sibs and friends bought me my favorite things of all
  (It's like they know me or something)
•My stolen Cati from Arizona came back to life in the kitchen window
•‎My extreme case of procrastination causes me to frantically cram
  but what is new with the way I learn?
•‎Beachin w/Asheboro friends cramming into smallest places we can? Don't try us. We have it down
•‎I blame Spotify for eating away my time and life. How is a person supposed to live life when there      are so many good people, words, songs and sounds created and needing to be listened to?
•‎I tased someone for fun
•‎Got tased myself for fun
•‎Got only 1 speeding ticket which is great for a person who got none in 5 years, then a million in
  2yrs. But this year I decided to give the police something better to do, so you're welcome police.
•‎Cooked rice a large amount of times because I'm addicted to loving it
•‎Left a family reunion to play puttputt with one cousin. Because families are funny and are some of
  the most fun or the most boring. So we left to have fun and played puttputt with a spin on it... we
  played pool, kickball and bowling golf.
  Guys...the options are endless. Are there actually people out there who believe in rules?
•‎Did something I said I would never do....
•‎Freakin ASKED FOR A GUYS NUMBER.
  but when my sister put me to the bet that I wouldn't. I showed them yolo and she lost her bet.
•‎I went on a date with a complete stranger. He asked my name at the table and we ate Mexican like      all good dates should. And I smoked and killed him in bowling. (yes both smoked and killed)
•‎That's something that happened this year that I'm embarrassed about but also it gave laughs to erbud and a funni dumb story to not tell
•‎Found out my very first car might die soon. (How do I say goodbye to yesterday?🎵)
•‎I climbed a hike with KT and at the top of the mountain were grazing cows.
  So I basically climbed to the top of heaven.
•‎Spent a lot of time stopping on back roads to watch the sunset in my lil green Honda.
•‎Even more in honour of my faithful car. She has always been there to play Adele and I've screamed
  so many songs in there. And screamed so many frustros en there. so she can handle anything. Also I    love a car horn that is not in the middle of the wheel.
•‎Attended/played Violin in a Bilingual wedding for the first time.
•Saw Korean wedding traditions for the 1st time.
•‎We have a lone chicken at home and we named him Calamus
•‎Started violin lessons with my old best teacher and it is my favourite hour of the week
•Stayed home for 10 straight days by myself while my family traveled and it was the strangest thing
  being in my home thats been filled with people all my life and almost never spent a day alone
•Spent Thanksgiving with cousins and no close fams. (Only weird cause being in States w/no fam)
•Had McDonalds for the supper of Thanksgiving. How could I do such an American thing? but it was only because we had TG for lunch and when we tried to go back for a 2nd TG meal, the doors of the house were locked with the TG food inside. So we were sent to McDees... the only place open. I didn't mind cause it was a weird thing to do on a Holiday basically dedicated to eating the best foods.
•Climbed a Fire-tower (illegally. But when is anything ever legal les be rill)
•‎I ordered Maté so much. I just need a farm it myself and save the Post Office the packages.
•S/O to myself for sending myself so many packages
•‎I still worked for all my old nanny fams. and they are the bomb and best people to work for
•‎You know how you're always curious to know what it would be like with a completely new name?
  Like a Leah, or a Josephine (only who names their kid that anymore besides in Little Woman) so I    tried it out. I'm Elmi to my new families. It's actually my name still. So this year I have been an Elmi.
•Worked on a Christmas tree Lot for a weekend and it was everything Christmas is supposed to be   (minus the prices)
•‎I sold a Christmas tree in Spanish and she was de Venezuela y el de Cuba y me encantó hablando con ellos porque siempre extraño hablando en español. And they loved the tree and I loved speaking to them. So it was basically Christmas for all of us.
•‎Want to thank David Urbanati for creating and leaving his Spotify playlist visible so I could find Soap&Skin. Also he makes amazing music hissellffff
•‎Dec.3rd sold my first and best car I'll probably ever have. It was my one true ride or die.
  And it was always my steady. It was faithful. It was true.
•‎Started reading the book War and Peace because someone once said "You're like that book 'War and Peace' that novel that is so difficult to read" and now that I'm reading it I have to figure out what part of the million pages they were referring to cause this book is the so freaking longest to get through
(maybe they were referring to how difficult it is to read me. hmm maybe I just figured it out?) I don't need to finish the book. I already figured it out.
•‎Went to an orchestra on the wrong day so showed up for practice... It's all good cause I just sat in the
  auditorium just listening to the practice.
•‎The next day I dragged all my friends with me but was disappointed in how little some of them knew about orchestras.. not enough to even appreciate it. For shame for shame. But thankful for the ones who knew and understood and appreciated.
•‎Spent Christmas with all 13 siblings back under one roof & the best added siblings one could ask for

Top 10 of this year:
  -Larms Wedding and all the people it brings together and the 2 people is brought together of course!
  -Every different big or small trip, and leaving the country. Speaking Spanish
  -Except driving to Colorado w/my brother & working in Alaska get their own spot
  -Seeing Wild Child, Wild Rivers and Valley Maker perform (top 3 of the 12 Concerts I went to)
  -Every time I'm with people. Old friends. New friends. Family gathers. Family anything
  -Reading Books (last year babies kept me sane. This year it was books)
  -Starting Violin Lessons with my old best teacher
  -Witnessing Gods miracle on our babe
  -Larm is having a baby
  -TBD
Fav thing I bought: Trekz headphones
Books read this year: 46 (see previous post)
Flights this Year: 14
States visited: 20
     NC, SC, VA, WV, MD, PA, NY, MA, NH, RI, KY, IL, MO, KS, CO, NM, AZ, OR, WA, AK
Country Visited: Puerto Rico
Travel days this year: 106 Days
(Made sure to take at least one weekend trip or more each month... and this is the result! I'm satisfied)
GUYS. Thats a little over 3 months out of the year I was traveling!
Of course 1 month of it, was working in Alaska with my Dad...
but the other 2 months?! When can people travel 3 months out of the year and also work and study and live life at the same time? I don't know but I would rather that life
I get why they say prime time to travel is now.
So hey, I'm just listening to all the advice given me from anyone older. Thanks everyone
you have made my life insanely more exciting and better than a dumb 9-5 job that gets you stuck in a rut the rest of your life... and you see none of the world, And you live none of life.

Guys.
I don't know everything about 2018 yet. I'm sure there's more I'll learn from it in years to come.
sorrynotsorry for the longlong post.
this is for me when I'm 86 yrs old and want to remember the things of 2018
but a lot happens in a year and how else am I supposed to remember?
But it was a year of a lot of things to learn. A lot about myself
A lot about everything in, for, and from my family.
Types of emotions, types of people, types of frustrations, types of chicken nuggets to love
I have a lot of disappointments, hopes, sads, joys, encouragements, hates and loves about this year.
I don't know exactly what this year was or how to explain it in a word or even words
so this was my reminder of some of the bests and firsts
it was another year God gave me life
and so it is