Books are gr888t.
Guys. If you're not always in the middle of at least one book. What are you even doing?
I'm one to talk cause the whole month of August apparently slipped by and I didn't do any reading.
I don't know what happened to me then, but I am recovering and making up for it.
Heres a list of Books I've read this year..
Some were physically read (about 15) some were Audiobooks..
The majority were Audiobooks that I listen to while driving or cleaning houses.
(This made me realize how many hours I'm driving and cleaning)
Also. If anyone dares to tell me Audiobooks don't count as books
I'm willing to assume you're probably not very well read yourself
If you're going to say a book doesn't matter because you hear the words instead of read the words
than you're not understanding the point of books
This is not very organized... I don't have time to alphabetize anything
Plus even if I did, I wouldn't. Because thats not important to me
BOOK AUTHOR MONTH
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea Jules Verne January
Around the Wold in 80 Days " June
Persuasion Jane Austen January
Northanger Abby " February
Pride and Prejudice " May
Wuthering Heights Emily Bronte February
Jane Eyre Charlotte Bronte February
Villette Charlotte Bronte December
The Tenant of Wildfell Hall Anna Bronte November
For Conscience Sake Thomas Hardy March
The Withered Arm " March
Fiddler of the Reels " April
Far From the Maddening Crowd " November
The Great Gatsby F.Scott Fitzgerald February
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button " May
The Pit and the Pendulum Edgar Allen Poe March
The Facts and the Case of M.Valdemar " March
The Cask of Amontillado " March
Measure for Mercy William Shakespeare March
Hamlet " March
Macbeth " March
A Midsummer Nights Dream " April
The Land that Forgot Time (Caspak #1) Edgar Rice Burroughs October
The People that Time Forgot (Caspak #2) " November
Out of Times Abyss (Caspak #3) " July
Six of Crows (Six of Crows #1) Leigh Bardugo September
Crooked Kingdom (Six of Crows #2) " September
Shadow and Bone (Grisha Verse #1) Leigh Bardugo October
Siege and Storm (Grisha Verse #2) " October
Ruin and Rising (Grisha Verse #3) " November
A Grace Disguised Gerald Sittser January
The Art of War Sun Tzu February
The Invisible Man H.G Wells February
The Awakening Kate Chopin February
The Scarlet Pimpernel Emmuska Orczy March
Sleeping Beauty Charles Perrault April
The Children of Odin Padraic Colum May
How to Think like Leonardo Da Vinci Michael J.Gelb May
Wild at Heart John Eldredge June
The Adventures of Robin Hood J. Walker McSpadden September
The Dark Web Geoff White October
The Jester Michael J.Sullivan October
Crime and Punishment Fyodor Dostoevsky November
The Letters of Lord Bryon Lord Byron November
Sons and Lovers D.H Lawrence December
The Lifted Veil George Eliot December
Jan (3)
Feb (7)
Mar (9)
April (3)
May (4)
June (2)
July (1)
Aug
Sept (3)
Oct (5)
Nov (6)
Dec (3)
Total Books 46
Currently Reading: War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
(but probably won't finish before the end of the year)
Also to remember and keep track of all these books I use GoodReads
https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/78757500-renita
It has my bookshelf of last year and anything I'll keep adding
I find suggested books from the real bookies out there
be one of them
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
What is it?
I feel it fading
Its draining out. Its emptying
it
what is it
I don't know exactly
but its leaving me
and I don't know how to keep it
Its something good
that I'm supposed to hold onto
but the fight in me is dying
its slipping away
is IT the fight?
is it?
I don't know
I feel the hope fading
I feel the fight not trying as hard
almost numb
not quite. but ohhh you're halfway there. Ooh living on a prayer
thanks Bon Jovi.
How do I keep hold of what I know is dear and should endure
if the fight for it is dying
if
you know what
I don't have all the answers
butOH. I just remembered I forgot my Nisu toast in the toaster oven yesterday
and thats it (not the it from above) ... thats what was missing all day yesterday
you know when something is off all day?
well that was it.. I forgot my Nisu
Apart from that...
Something is still trying to fade
I can feel it.. I don't know exactly what.
but here I am to find out what.
cause when I find it, and if it shouldn't be
its gonna be in for a treat.
triple that baby up
Its something to do with having the strength to fight for what I know I should
something about happiness and joy (but are those actually real... lesss be rilll)
something to do with enjoying life and hoping in good things
and seeing real beauty left
and
I can tell my soul isn't doing its job of filtering out what everyone eventually feels about life (poop)
thats not going to be something I give in to
never seeing beauty anymore
Cause for all I know theres a Nisu in a toaster somewhere that I forgot
and now its a treat
and its beauty
Does any of this make sense?
prahnah. Renita you're a little fricked up I think
This is partly me carrying something heavy I don't understand
and partly me trying to lighten the load by seeing the beauty in the Nisu my sister made and I still have the ability to enjoy it
even more because she made it
and I see that beauty and
its all crazy! It's all false! It's all a dream!
Its alright
I don't have all the answers
butOH. I just remembered I forgot my Nisu toast in the toaster oven yesterday
and thats it (not the it from above) ... thats what was missing all day yesterday
you know when something is off all day?
well that was it.. I forgot my Nisu
Apart from that...
Something is still trying to fade
I can feel it.. I don't know exactly what.
but here I am to find out what.
cause when I find it, and if it shouldn't be
its gonna be in for a treat.
triple that baby up
Its something to do with having the strength to fight for what I know I should
something about happiness and joy (but are those actually real... lesss be rilll)
something to do with enjoying life and hoping in good things
and seeing real beauty left
and
I can tell my soul isn't doing its job of filtering out what everyone eventually feels about life (poop)
thats not going to be something I give in to
never seeing beauty anymore
Cause for all I know theres a Nisu in a toaster somewhere that I forgot
and now its a treat
and its beauty
Does any of this make sense?
prahnah. Renita you're a little fricked up I think
This is partly me carrying something heavy I don't understand
and partly me trying to lighten the load by seeing the beauty in the Nisu my sister made and I still have the ability to enjoy it
even more because she made it
and I see that beauty and
its all crazy! It's all false! It's all a dream!
Its alright
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Covfefe shop thoughts
The red bearded barista is friendly to everyone..
So friendly I don't know how he hasn't run out of niceness.
niceties. niceties. niceties. hes full of all of them
I'm not very good at niceties.
Maybe because he's a redhead and they're just rare in general (bahaha who we kidding)
A lady looking at paintings laughed a laugh like one of my aunts
I feel proud of someone stopping to appreciate the art.
It tells me that they're taking time for the moments
...or that someone painted something wackedup enough to turn the heads
(but the non observers just notice the weird ones and don't take time for the rest) (aka the lame ppl)
Two men discuss the bible at the bar
The red bearded barista asked them if his mom is still preaching
This tells me more than a couple things about the 3 of them
I get more assignments done in one sitting at a coffee shop than in 2 months not in a coffee shop
The lady across me has a Mrs.Falls sticker on her laptop cover
I could assume her name is Mrs.Falls... but who am I to assume that
For all I know she coulda stole Mrs.Falls laptop
This is all nonsense
all of this is a combination of distractions, observations, eyes taking a break from darn school I'm confused about, and my lack of ability to concentrate on only one thing.
I hope my feet on this table aren't offending anyone
The noise around me is nice
it helps me concentrate.
The music has been so good here. mostly Penny&Sparrow & the Beatles
the baby that just came in and starts to cry, makes me feel more at home.
I'm still upset about the United States electing a meme as President.
But at least he gave us covfefe.
Sorry for this nothing yall. I'll delate later when my mind isn't trying to find an escape from studying
So friendly I don't know how he hasn't run out of niceness.
niceties. niceties. niceties. hes full of all of them
I'm not very good at niceties.
Maybe because he's a redhead and they're just rare in general (bahaha who we kidding)
A lady looking at paintings laughed a laugh like one of my aunts
I feel proud of someone stopping to appreciate the art.
It tells me that they're taking time for the moments
...or that someone painted something wackedup enough to turn the heads
(but the non observers just notice the weird ones and don't take time for the rest) (aka the lame ppl)
Two men discuss the bible at the bar
The red bearded barista asked them if his mom is still preaching
This tells me more than a couple things about the 3 of them
I get more assignments done in one sitting at a coffee shop than in 2 months not in a coffee shop
The lady across me has a Mrs.Falls sticker on her laptop cover
I could assume her name is Mrs.Falls... but who am I to assume that
For all I know she coulda stole Mrs.Falls laptop
This is all nonsense
all of this is a combination of distractions, observations, eyes taking a break from darn school I'm confused about, and my lack of ability to concentrate on only one thing.
I hope my feet on this table aren't offending anyone
The noise around me is nice
it helps me concentrate.
The music has been so good here. mostly Penny&Sparrow & the Beatles
the baby that just came in and starts to cry, makes me feel more at home.
I'm still upset about the United States electing a meme as President.
But at least he gave us covfefe.
Sorry for this nothing yall. I'll delate later when my mind isn't trying to find an escape from studying
Thursday, July 26, 2018
View from a wheelchair
I need to sleep
but how can I sleep when there's this captivating Alaska outside my bedroom
and it stays daylight in the middle of the night.
A lil old man just rolled down the sidewalk in a wheelchair
He asks me how the evening is going.
After his warning about being aware of the beautiful surroundings (thank you for reminding me)
he says
"Oh and by the way. I stepped on metal, caught Tetanus and had to have all my toes cut off.
That's why I'm in this chair."
He told me how the liquid in the bag is helping heal his foot. (mmgrose sorri)
He told me how long it takes and how it goes.
"Lemme tell you. It is crazy and it is scary.
Well, good eveni.....oh! You have freckles!
You have a LOT of freckles on your shoulders!
You have them all over!
They're perfect for just grabbing a pen and making all the dots into little stick figure people!
Wouldn't you think? Well, just a thought.
You have a good evening Miss"
I busted out laughing inside and out (he was a good one to get both)
I wished him goodnight.
My freckles have heard a lot of comments,
but this is finally a genius one
this lil oldie goldie with no toes on his right foot made them into stick figured people
this is my kind of people
where are his kind hiding?
He reminds me of something I wrote once of freckles and friends. I will find it for you and myself to remember
Thank you for adding "Oh, by the way I lost my toes"
Thank you Alaska for being daylight at night
Thank you Sir for making the freckles on my shoulders into little stick figures.
You are a rare one to find
I love that you enjoyed your surroundings of Alaska from your wheelchair,
I love that you have an imagination and you showed it in a 4 minute conversation.
I'm so glad you came rolling by in your wheelchair and I'm sorry you lost your toes.
but how can I sleep when there's this captivating Alaska outside my bedroom
and it stays daylight in the middle of the night.
A lil old man just rolled down the sidewalk in a wheelchair
He asks me how the evening is going.
After his warning about being aware of the beautiful surroundings (thank you for reminding me)
he says
"Oh and by the way. I stepped on metal, caught Tetanus and had to have all my toes cut off.
That's why I'm in this chair."
He told me how the liquid in the bag is helping heal his foot. (mmgrose sorri)
He told me how long it takes and how it goes.
"Lemme tell you. It is crazy and it is scary.
Well, good eveni.....oh! You have freckles!
You have a LOT of freckles on your shoulders!
You have them all over!
They're perfect for just grabbing a pen and making all the dots into little stick figure people!
Wouldn't you think? Well, just a thought.
You have a good evening Miss"
I busted out laughing inside and out (he was a good one to get both)
I wished him goodnight.
My freckles have heard a lot of comments,
but this is finally a genius one
this lil oldie goldie with no toes on his right foot made them into stick figured people
this is my kind of people
where are his kind hiding?
He reminds me of something I wrote once of freckles and friends. I will find it for you and myself to remember
Thank you for adding "Oh, by the way I lost my toes"
Thank you Alaska for being daylight at night
Thank you Sir for making the freckles on my shoulders into little stick figures.
You are a rare one to find
I love that you enjoyed your surroundings of Alaska from your wheelchair,
I love that you have an imagination and you showed it in a 4 minute conversation.
I'm so glad you came rolling by in your wheelchair and I'm sorry you lost your toes.
Saturday, July 21, 2018
somewhere someone's someplace
What if you love rice for dinner and you eat a whole plate full
What if you listen to the same playlists over because they're your best friends
What if the only mountains you can see in Alaska are in the left corner of the sky
so far away and so huge they made you stop dead in your tracks
what if you wanted to see them today but the clouds were a little rude and hid them all day
what if you cry while eating rice by yourself cause you think about your conversation with your Dad
and everything over 5 years of time
what if you need to do school but your brain can only think in feelings right now
What if you thought about talking but you wouldn't know what to say
What if you feel so much you don't feel anymore
What if you listen to the same playlists over because they're your best friends
What if the only mountains you can see in Alaska are in the left corner of the sky
so far away and so huge they made you stop dead in your tracks
what if you wanted to see them today but the clouds were a little rude and hid them all day
what if you cry while eating rice by yourself cause you think about your conversation with your Dad
and everything over 5 years of time
what if you need to do school but your brain can only think in feelings right now
What if you thought about talking but you wouldn't know what to say
What if you feel so much you don't feel anymore
Monday, July 9, 2018
si la música te sobrepasó
The unison of the music
reaches places in my depths
It takes me to the heart wrenching places I've been trying to aviod
It brings me back to the moments I've ignored
It throws me into a rushing river. I'm stuck in its currents
I can't swim my way out, it overtakes me and throws me to the depths
I soak in it
It tells me everything I've done wrong and where I am
It tells me what a fool I am
It shows me all I've neglected
the deeper side we push aside
It reminds me of pleasant times
It reminds me of the good thats left
It reminds me of the things I've forgotten to miss
It tells me don't forget
Don't forget the good
the bad
everything thats made you
Its a keeper of my memories
It breaks me
It gives me hope
It holds me
I try to write the words I feel
they're gone. I can't find them
the music stole them
They asked me if I would play for them
if I would play my own songs
I couldn't play my songs
I'm out of touch with them
I can't connect with them now
I can't play them like that
I would be betraying my own self
They asked if I would play anything
I don't like to. It's out of my comfort-zone
to heck with comfort zones
I play
It reminds me of too many things
my eyes git a little watery
almost caught me
I turn my head and hope it goes unnoticed
darn you music
always catching up to me
putting me in my place
an alleyway to the places I can't neglect
I'm not trying to avoid, neglect, or ignore
I'm not scared of having do something for change
I just don't know what is that something
I'll face it
but what more am I doing than staring it down
what more right now
I'm standing in the water building up around me
slowing taking over my surroundings
I'm glued to the ground unmoved
untouched by the water rising up around my feet
blankly willing myself to feel
paralyzed by the overload thats taking over
will I survie?
How do I make myself go on
reaches places in my depths
It takes me to the heart wrenching places I've been trying to aviod
It brings me back to the moments I've ignored
It throws me into a rushing river. I'm stuck in its currents
I can't swim my way out, it overtakes me and throws me to the depths
I soak in it
It tells me everything I've done wrong and where I am
It tells me what a fool I am
It shows me all I've neglected
the deeper side we push aside
It reminds me of pleasant times
It reminds me of the good thats left
It reminds me of the things I've forgotten to miss
It tells me don't forget
Don't forget the good
the bad
everything thats made you
Its a keeper of my memories
It breaks me
It gives me hope
It holds me
I try to write the words I feel
they're gone. I can't find them
the music stole them
They asked me if I would play for them
if I would play my own songs
I couldn't play my songs
I'm out of touch with them
I can't connect with them now
I can't play them like that
I would be betraying my own self
They asked if I would play anything
I don't like to. It's out of my comfort-zone
to heck with comfort zones
I play
It reminds me of too many things
my eyes git a little watery
almost caught me
I turn my head and hope it goes unnoticed
darn you music
always catching up to me
putting me in my place
an alleyway to the places I can't neglect
I'm not trying to avoid, neglect, or ignore
I'm not scared of having do something for change
I just don't know what is that something
I'll face it
but what more am I doing than staring it down
what more right now
I'm standing in the water building up around me
slowing taking over my surroundings
I'm glued to the ground unmoved
untouched by the water rising up around my feet
blankly willing myself to feel
paralyzed by the overload thats taking over
will I survie?
How do I make myself go on
Monday, June 25, 2018
Q. child vs. now
Q.Would the child version of you be proud or disappointed of what you've become?
A.
I would rather cry than answer this question
I think cause tears are the only answer I can think of
I wish I could say my child version would be proud of myself
but I think lil R- had more hope in myself and who I would become
and I've let my own dang self down
I hate a lot of myself and who I've become
Things my little self would be disappointed in today:
-I'm stuck in my own opinion and stubborn
-I think I'm always right. Can't admit when I'm wrong (gotten much better than I used to be)
-I'm defensive and always feel like I have to prove my intentions
-I yell at people
-I yell when I'm mad
-I yell when I'm feeling attacked
-I yell when I feel like I'm not being heard
-I yell when I'm hurt
-I yell when I'm scared something bad will happen if I don't say something
-I hate yelling and I yell myself
-I feel like I'm doing an injustice when I don't say something about something wrong happening...
-I have to learn when not to say something because talking is not always the answer
-My pride causes the majority of these
-My pride
I hate that I can see a million things that are wrong about myself
that I'm wrong and need to change
I hate that I take forever to check myself and get myself in order
I hate that I realize I'm making a mistake
but I let my anger in the moment be greater than my self-control
to shut up, and turn around and change it
I hate that I'm not the example I wish I could be
I want to be the example that I never had in most people
I want to be the example I had in others
(Larm, Mom, Grandma, more sisters, Lidia, Ella, Mrs.Katie Clinton, Fernyy,
I'll think of more that I've missed)
I'm disgusted with myself because of how I am and who I appear to be
I don't know if who I appear to be and who I am - look the same or not
I hope and try to appear as I am even if its not who I wish I was
at least be true to who you are
I know realistically I fail in that
I hate that I write all these things I see and hate in people
and I do all of it myself
I'm the epitome of a hypocrite
I do a lot of things I hate in everyone else
I never thought I was above them (at all) when writing things
but you would think I would at least have the decency to not be exactly what I hate
I hate that I'm hurting my sisters who I love more than anyone else on earth
and I end up being the opposite of love and hurting them
I'm failing at showing love and being love
how could they ever look up to me? I don't believe they could
I don't want them to if this is how I really am
'If I know I'm this way... why am I not changing' they ask me
They're right and they're right
why is it so frekin hard to change something in yourself that you absolutely hate?
you would think your hate for it would be enough to change it
wrong
wrong again.
instead you're really good at being what you hate
what is wrong with me
what is
I just wanna cry
I need to move into the desert by myself til I have myself together
will I ever have myself together? Does anyone have themselves together? is it frekin possible
maybe I wouldn't hurt the ones closest to me if I did
I hate that I've been so hurt by yelling and I hurt others by the same thing I hate
I write about not becoming Them.
Am I them. Am I not just the same as them. What I've hated and despised in them?
one time I said and I still live by
"If theres one thing fools ever taught us
It's that deep down, we can't fool our own-selves"
I'm drowning inside.
I'm dying at the thought of everything.
I'm crying at the thought of everything.
the pain
the disgrace of myself
A.
I would rather cry than answer this question
I think cause tears are the only answer I can think of
I wish I could say my child version would be proud of myself
but I think lil R- had more hope in myself and who I would become
and I've let my own dang self down
I hate a lot of myself and who I've become
Things my little self would be disappointed in today:
-I'm stuck in my own opinion and stubborn
-I think I'm always right. Can't admit when I'm wrong (gotten much better than I used to be)
-I'm defensive and always feel like I have to prove my intentions
-I yell at people
-I yell when I'm mad
-I yell when I'm feeling attacked
-I yell when I feel like I'm not being heard
-I yell when I'm hurt
-I yell when I'm scared something bad will happen if I don't say something
-I hate yelling and I yell myself
-I feel like I'm doing an injustice when I don't say something about something wrong happening...
-I have to learn when not to say something because talking is not always the answer
-My pride causes the majority of these
-My pride
I hate that I can see a million things that are wrong about myself
that I'm wrong and need to change
I hate that I take forever to check myself and get myself in order
I hate that I realize I'm making a mistake
but I let my anger in the moment be greater than my self-control
to shut up, and turn around and change it
I hate that I'm not the example I wish I could be
I want to be the example that I never had in most people
I want to be the example I had in others
(Larm, Mom, Grandma, more sisters, Lidia, Ella, Mrs.Katie Clinton, Fernyy,
I'll think of more that I've missed)
I'm disgusted with myself because of how I am and who I appear to be
I don't know if who I appear to be and who I am - look the same or not
I hope and try to appear as I am even if its not who I wish I was
at least be true to who you are
I know realistically I fail in that
I hate that I write all these things I see and hate in people
and I do all of it myself
I'm the epitome of a hypocrite
I do a lot of things I hate in everyone else
I never thought I was above them (at all) when writing things
but you would think I would at least have the decency to not be exactly what I hate
I hate that I'm hurting my sisters who I love more than anyone else on earth
and I end up being the opposite of love and hurting them
I'm failing at showing love and being love
how could they ever look up to me? I don't believe they could
I don't want them to if this is how I really am
'If I know I'm this way... why am I not changing' they ask me
They're right and they're right
why is it so frekin hard to change something in yourself that you absolutely hate?
you would think your hate for it would be enough to change it
wrong
wrong again.
instead you're really good at being what you hate
what is wrong with me
what is
I just wanna cry
I need to move into the desert by myself til I have myself together
will I ever have myself together? Does anyone have themselves together? is it frekin possible
maybe I wouldn't hurt the ones closest to me if I did
I hate that I've been so hurt by yelling and I hurt others by the same thing I hate
I write about not becoming Them.
Am I them. Am I not just the same as them. What I've hated and despised in them?
one time I said and I still live by
"If theres one thing fools ever taught us
It's that deep down, we can't fool our own-selves"
I'm drowning inside.
I'm dying at the thought of everything.
I'm crying at the thought of everything.
the pain
the disgrace of myself
Friday, June 8, 2018
Q.s for thought and so I can learn how thoughts thinks - or think thoughts.
I gots this app..
It sends me a completely random question everyday.
Some days I answer
Some days the question isn't intriguing enough and I have better things to do with my life
Some days the question is funny and I am funny back
Some days the question is something I don't like to answer so I make myself answer it (try)
Sometimes I just write out what first pops in my head and make myself be real & true
I don't know
Something about being better at thinking through things and learning how to talk
and actually making myself answer things
Especially things I don't know how to answer or don't want to
Ya'll gon be in for a real treat
cause since I'm obviously at a state of life that has no idea whats going on
and where I shouldn't be making up random crap to write out
I'ma share some of these Qs & Answers here at random..
since I'm no intelligent person who can write exquisitely beautiful poems
and make people laugh and cry by my admirably good words
so heres a lil simple something, serious, nothing everything lil answers to some random question.
yall be waiting for anything good... idk if it'll ever show up
so you could be waiting for it forever, or be waiting 5 minutes.
Who knows. Trump knows.
1st question as follows...
WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU COULD UNDO?
car crashes
people getting drunk and hurting people
the light turning red when I'm driving in a rush
my favourite bowl of cereal spilling when it was the last bowl
my parents being hurt
parents being hurt by parents being hurt by parents being hurt by parents being hurt
kids being hurt by parents being hurt
the world being a mess
not talking when I should have said something
talking when I shouldn't have
people being addicted to technology
people who don't treat people like people
people not caring enough to be observant
cantaloupe growing without a flavor
all the speeding tickets police getcha for
half the dumb Disney movies
things that scare little kids
cats
yelling
1 ply toilet paper
It sends me a completely random question everyday.
Some days I answer
Some days the question isn't intriguing enough and I have better things to do with my life
Some days the question is funny and I am funny back
Some days the question is something I don't like to answer so I make myself answer it (try)
Sometimes I just write out what first pops in my head and make myself be real & true
I don't know
Something about being better at thinking through things and learning how to talk
and actually making myself answer things
Especially things I don't know how to answer or don't want to
Ya'll gon be in for a real treat
cause since I'm obviously at a state of life that has no idea whats going on
and where I shouldn't be making up random crap to write out
I'ma share some of these Qs & Answers here at random..
since I'm no intelligent person who can write exquisitely beautiful poems
and make people laugh and cry by my admirably good words
so heres a lil simple something, serious, nothing everything lil answers to some random question.
yall be waiting for anything good... idk if it'll ever show up
so you could be waiting for it forever, or be waiting 5 minutes.
Who knows. Trump knows.
1st question as follows...
WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU COULD UNDO?
car crashes
people getting drunk and hurting people
the light turning red when I'm driving in a rush
my favourite bowl of cereal spilling when it was the last bowl
my parents being hurt
parents being hurt by parents being hurt by parents being hurt by parents being hurt
kids being hurt by parents being hurt
the world being a mess
not talking when I should have said something
talking when I shouldn't have
people being addicted to technology
people who don't treat people like people
people not caring enough to be observant
cantaloupe growing without a flavor
all the speeding tickets police getcha for
half the dumb Disney movies
things that scare little kids
cats
yelling
1 ply toilet paper
Friday, May 18, 2018
Babies in middle class or the universe
America is a little weird
Middle class Mom's bring their babies to the library
Sit in circles and sing songs bouncing their babies in their laps
Doing motions and patterns for their babies to learn from
Like it's this traditional cultural pow wow for Moms.
Middle-Moms bringing their babies in their designer clothes and doing their custums together
It's Mom's all talking in little voices while entertaining the little faces
It's a little bit of comparing babies and telling each other what your baby can do
so you can prove that your baby is a little more advanced than the average.
Or how they've made you lose your sleep but how much they've made you smile and they make you make faces you would never do on your own.
That's what I love to see
Babies changing the universe
All these mommys here would be total different people
They all have babies in common
Babies bring commonground to everyone
Babies turn people into someone they would otherwise be embarrassed to be
(I would be embarrassed of just being a rich middle class Mom too)
That's kind of a magical power babies have
To turn the heads, faces, hearts right down to changing your voice just to talk to them
They are the precious magic sent to keep our hearts in touch with real beauty
And what really matters
Like reading books at the library around 12 other Moms and babies
And blowing bubbles in the library and the babies all standing in circles pointing at bubbles surrounded by books
Middle class Mom's bring their babies to the library
Sit in circles and sing songs bouncing their babies in their laps
Doing motions and patterns for their babies to learn from
Like it's this traditional cultural pow wow for Moms.
Middle-Moms bringing their babies in their designer clothes and doing their custums together
It's Mom's all talking in little voices while entertaining the little faces
It's a little bit of comparing babies and telling each other what your baby can do
so you can prove that your baby is a little more advanced than the average.
Or how they've made you lose your sleep but how much they've made you smile and they make you make faces you would never do on your own.
That's what I love to see
Babies changing the universe
All these mommys here would be total different people
They all have babies in common
Babies bring commonground to everyone
Babies turn people into someone they would otherwise be embarrassed to be
(I would be embarrassed of just being a rich middle class Mom too)
That's kind of a magical power babies have
To turn the heads, faces, hearts right down to changing your voice just to talk to them
They are the precious magic sent to keep our hearts in touch with real beauty
And what really matters
Like reading books at the library around 12 other Moms and babies
And blowing bubbles in the library and the babies all standing in circles pointing at bubbles surrounded by books
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
People of Airports
All kinz uh ppls. All kindz uh faces. All kindz uh types. All kindz uh typos
Nervous ppl
Fast people
Prepared, not prepared, unprepared. are they the same? are we all prepared to be unprepared
Chill
Confidant
Sad
Rushed. Rushin rushin' they see me rushin
Couples
Laughing
Tired, sleepy, exhausted, looking like a worn out soul
Withdrawn, alone, separated, apart from others, needing their space, needing a place
Shy
Nervous
Stoic
Addicts blowing their vape smoke into their pillow so nobody will notice (I noticed)
Waiting
Observing, watching, creepin'
Occupied, busy busy bust bees, never stop or drop, ride & grind
Unobservant,
Unmatching, do you even match brah?
Not caring
Only a few I would dress like
A lot I wouldn't dress like
The ones trying to be comfortable
The ones staying classy
Wow. The really classy ones are impressive. #goals one day I should travel with class. #newbucketlist
The ones who still ask for directions
The ones who pack bad food for themselves
The ones who aknowledged that they have the same bag and they approve of the other
The ones not prepared for the weather
The running one late for a flight
The one trying to sleep standing up
The group talking like they're the only ones in the airport
The mom pulling the kids and bags and picking up everything that's dropped
The nerd with the homeschool walk
The 40 year old version of a homeschooler
The wise old man sitting peacefully pondering all the new age people going by
The people who are confused about their ticket and can't find their gate, number & seat
The people who are travel pros
The two girls in yoga pants on their phones talking white girl lingo in their white girl voices
The first time flyers
The one who sits on the floor in the middle of everything
The Starbucks drinkers
The people who tell a story of their friends for everyone to hear
The people who stand in line so early
The one who waits til last minute to get up
The one reorganizing their stuff
The dad checking the sports scores
The one that works out
The one that just woke up
Nervous ppl
Fast people
Prepared, not prepared, unprepared. are they the same? are we all prepared to be unprepared
Chill
Confidant
Sad
Rushed. Rushin rushin' they see me rushin
Couples
Laughing
Tired, sleepy, exhausted, looking like a worn out soul
Withdrawn, alone, separated, apart from others, needing their space, needing a place
Shy
Nervous
Stoic
Addicts blowing their vape smoke into their pillow so nobody will notice (I noticed)
Waiting
Observing, watching, creepin'
Occupied, busy busy bust bees, never stop or drop, ride & grind
Unobservant,
Unmatching, do you even match brah?
Not caring
Only a few I would dress like
A lot I wouldn't dress like
The ones trying to be comfortable
The ones staying classy
Wow. The really classy ones are impressive. #goals one day I should travel with class. #newbucketlist
The ones who still ask for directions
The ones who pack bad food for themselves
The ones who aknowledged that they have the same bag and they approve of the other
The ones not prepared for the weather
The running one late for a flight
The one trying to sleep standing up
The group talking like they're the only ones in the airport
The mom pulling the kids and bags and picking up everything that's dropped
The nerd with the homeschool walk
The 40 year old version of a homeschooler
The wise old man sitting peacefully pondering all the new age people going by
The people who are confused about their ticket and can't find their gate, number & seat
The people who are travel pros
The two girls in yoga pants on their phones talking white girl lingo in their white girl voices
The first time flyers
The one who sits on the floor in the middle of everything
The Starbucks drinkers
The people who tell a story of their friends for everyone to hear
The people who stand in line so early
The one who waits til last minute to get up
The one reorganizing their stuff
The dad checking the sports scores
The one that works out
The one that just woke up
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
Our Miracle
We're calling her name out the front of the house, I'm searching the parking lot cause that would be the most dangerous area for her to be wandering..
Zach is behind me looking
A few seconds later I hear his voice around the corner of the house scream
"NO!!! No NO! No NOOo!"
Fear immediately grips my whole body
I could hear in his cry he saw her and it was something very bad.
I run down the hill and turn the corner to see him pulling her up out the little fish pond in the back yard
I see my brother-in-law screaming with his baby Raisa limp in his arms
His face is fear and pain
She's completely soaked and unresponsive
Lacey comes running screaming to him
"CALL 911!" Fear has gripped all of us
I run in the house to call as fast as I can
I'm frantically calling
I knew the address by heart
I can't think
I take a deep breath and try to compose myself to explain what's happening
I'm praying: O God o God Please
Im crying
I hear shouting and screaming from inside and outside the house.
All the kids start bawling all around me
I'm answering questions to 911
I walk onto the deck and look into the backyard and see the neighbor Christina doing CPR on her
With Raisa still limb and her Dad, Mom and Christina kneeling around her willing her to take a breath.
My heart froze
My brain ran off into tomorrow and what could be
What if she doesn't move? God make her move! Let her move!
My heart sank deeper and deeper
Each breath she didn't take
My eyes searched their faces
I never saw a fear so painful.
It jabbed right through me
The fear on their faces, the fear in the air, the biggest fear in our heart.
She needs to move! Please God
I never felt such desperation
I screamed inside my head
DON'T LEAVE US
OUR BABY
PLEASE! WE NEED YOU
I shook deeper than a volcano in the bottom of the sea
I cried from fear
And pain of everyones heart stopping from shock and fear
She's not responding. She's just flopping there while they're doing CPR
She was limp and white and no color
Lacey is screaming prayers and telling her to breath.
She's telling Raisa to breath
She's asking God to please give her baby life!
Zach is screaming and they're begging her to breath and live
Come on Raisa!
BREATH. RESPOND BABY. BREATH! COME ON RAISA
Everything inside me freezes
Begging the Lord to let her move, breath make a sound, even a peep
God please. Please. please. Don't take her from us. Please God. GOD MAKE HER MOVE! God look at your son Zach and daughter Lacey. Please don't take her from them. From us! GOD KEEP HER LIFE!
I don't hear what they're asking me on the phone
"Ma'am?.....ma'am" "I'm sorry, what?"
"They're on the way, stay on the phone with me. Is she breathing? Is she responding?"
"IS SHE BREATHING?!"
They continue with CPR and telling her to breath.
She should be responding by now!
I'm screaming in my brain
I'm crying. I tell them:
"Ma'am she's not responding. She's not responding... Where are they?"
"They're right around the corner. Stay on the phone with me"
"Okay I hear them. They're coming"
Everyone rushes to the front of the house.
The police woman is running out of the car with a bag and is putting the machine on the baby.
They're crowded on the ground around our baby.
Crying and screaming for her to respond.
They're warming her arms
"God please warm her up. Warm her heart breath into her, let her breath!"
Ages seem to be passing by
They're crying out for her still
She whimpers
SHE WHIMPERS!
SHE STARTS MOVING!
I saw her neck turn slightly
She was trying to move!
A tad of arm movement
The police is helping her cough
She's coughing!
She's responding
"Shes gonna be okay!" I heard the police say as she picks her up
Oh GOD!
"SHES RESPONDING! SHE MOVED!"
everyone is crying
Everyone lets out the breath we forgot we were holding for what seemed like ages
I see my brother weaken and start bawling
I see my sister keel over as it hits her
My heart dropped
I can feel my heartbeat pounding through my whole body
Thank You God for loving us so much that you spared is from the pain of loss
We're all thanking the Lord in a million voices a million ways
I'm crying
the strength leaves my body
I feel the shock through my whole body release
I almost fall over
My legs almost give way beneath me
I'm holding the baby so I need to stay standing. I need to be strong.
I'm shaking all over
My whole body is quavering and shaking
I'm still on the phone with 911
"Ma'am is she responding yet?"
I start crying harder now and my voice is cracking
I'm weak. I croak out a
"YES YESS! SHE JUST MOVED. SHES RESPONDING."
"they're going to do everything they can for you"
"Yes. Thank you. Okay thank you for everything"
Oh God thank You.Thank You"
The rest of the evening was a blur as the shock kept sinking in more and more
The reality of what could have been the outcome of those 5 minutes kept going through our heads and bringing tears to our eyes over and over for hours
These are the real times we know God is real
My heart couldn't stop thanking God for protection
I kept thinking of the pain that would have been the next day, weeks, year & life if that had happened.
The closest I've come to anything so terrifying
The scariest moment of my life
The images of our little baby in Zachs arms and his terrified face
and the sounds of the screams and the awful fear inside of us
just kept replaying over and over in my head
This is so much to take in, and it keeps sinking in
To see our baby finally take a breath
and that overwhelming release it brought
God clearly loves us so much
The rest of the week
I was out of it
I was lost in the blur of it all
Images kept repeating, I could hear and see everything that happened
thoughts of how everything could have turned out
how everything could be so drastically changed in a matter of minutes
how close we were to losing our loved baby
how amazingly blessed we are by every continued breath taken in
how Raisa is a picture of a true miracle sent from God
and what a plan He has overall
How small we are in His big plan
I just cry
I cry when I remember
I cry when I see them there screaming for her life and then her taking her breath
I cry at how gracious and loving God is with us
I cry at how our beautiful little babe is still with us
Zach is behind me looking
A few seconds later I hear his voice around the corner of the house scream
"NO!!! No NO! No NOOo!"
Fear immediately grips my whole body
I could hear in his cry he saw her and it was something very bad.
I run down the hill and turn the corner to see him pulling her up out the little fish pond in the back yard
I see my brother-in-law screaming with his baby Raisa limp in his arms
His face is fear and pain
She's completely soaked and unresponsive
Lacey comes running screaming to him
"CALL 911!" Fear has gripped all of us
I run in the house to call as fast as I can
I'm frantically calling
I knew the address by heart
I can't think
I take a deep breath and try to compose myself to explain what's happening
I'm praying: O God o God Please
Im crying
I hear shouting and screaming from inside and outside the house.
All the kids start bawling all around me
I'm answering questions to 911
I walk onto the deck and look into the backyard and see the neighbor Christina doing CPR on her
With Raisa still limb and her Dad, Mom and Christina kneeling around her willing her to take a breath.
My heart froze
My brain ran off into tomorrow and what could be
What if she doesn't move? God make her move! Let her move!
My heart sank deeper and deeper
Each breath she didn't take
My eyes searched their faces
I never saw a fear so painful.
It jabbed right through me
The fear on their faces, the fear in the air, the biggest fear in our heart.
She needs to move! Please God
I never felt such desperation
I screamed inside my head
DON'T LEAVE US
OUR BABY
PLEASE! WE NEED YOU
I shook deeper than a volcano in the bottom of the sea
I cried from fear
And pain of everyones heart stopping from shock and fear
She's not responding. She's just flopping there while they're doing CPR
She was limp and white and no color
Lacey is screaming prayers and telling her to breath.
She's telling Raisa to breath
She's asking God to please give her baby life!
Zach is screaming and they're begging her to breath and live
Come on Raisa!
BREATH. RESPOND BABY. BREATH! COME ON RAISA
Everything inside me freezes
Begging the Lord to let her move, breath make a sound, even a peep
God please. Please. please. Don't take her from us. Please God. GOD MAKE HER MOVE! God look at your son Zach and daughter Lacey. Please don't take her from them. From us! GOD KEEP HER LIFE!
I don't hear what they're asking me on the phone
"Ma'am?.....ma'am" "I'm sorry, what?"
"They're on the way, stay on the phone with me. Is she breathing? Is she responding?"
"IS SHE BREATHING?!"
They continue with CPR and telling her to breath.
She should be responding by now!
I'm screaming in my brain
I'm crying. I tell them:
"Ma'am she's not responding. She's not responding... Where are they?"
"They're right around the corner. Stay on the phone with me"
"Okay I hear them. They're coming"
Everyone rushes to the front of the house.
The police woman is running out of the car with a bag and is putting the machine on the baby.
They're crowded on the ground around our baby.
Crying and screaming for her to respond.
They're warming her arms
"God please warm her up. Warm her heart breath into her, let her breath!"
Ages seem to be passing by
They're crying out for her still
She whimpers
SHE WHIMPERS!
SHE STARTS MOVING!
I saw her neck turn slightly
She was trying to move!
A tad of arm movement
The police is helping her cough
She's coughing!
She's responding
"Shes gonna be okay!" I heard the police say as she picks her up
Oh GOD!
"SHES RESPONDING! SHE MOVED!"
everyone is crying
Everyone lets out the breath we forgot we were holding for what seemed like ages
I see my brother weaken and start bawling
I see my sister keel over as it hits her
My heart dropped
I can feel my heartbeat pounding through my whole body
Thank You God for loving us so much that you spared is from the pain of loss
We're all thanking the Lord in a million voices a million ways
I'm crying
the strength leaves my body
I feel the shock through my whole body release
I almost fall over
My legs almost give way beneath me
I'm holding the baby so I need to stay standing. I need to be strong.
I'm shaking all over
My whole body is quavering and shaking
I'm still on the phone with 911
"Ma'am is she responding yet?"
I start crying harder now and my voice is cracking
I'm weak. I croak out a
"YES YESS! SHE JUST MOVED. SHES RESPONDING."
"they're going to do everything they can for you"
"Yes. Thank you. Okay thank you for everything"
Oh God thank You.Thank You"
The rest of the evening was a blur as the shock kept sinking in more and more
The reality of what could have been the outcome of those 5 minutes kept going through our heads and bringing tears to our eyes over and over for hours
These are the real times we know God is real
My heart couldn't stop thanking God for protection
I kept thinking of the pain that would have been the next day, weeks, year & life if that had happened.
The closest I've come to anything so terrifying
The scariest moment of my life
The images of our little baby in Zachs arms and his terrified face
and the sounds of the screams and the awful fear inside of us
just kept replaying over and over in my head
This is so much to take in, and it keeps sinking in
To see our baby finally take a breath
and that overwhelming release it brought
God clearly loves us so much
The rest of the week
I was out of it
I was lost in the blur of it all
Images kept repeating, I could hear and see everything that happened
thoughts of how everything could have turned out
how everything could be so drastically changed in a matter of minutes
how close we were to losing our loved baby
how amazingly blessed we are by every continued breath taken in
how Raisa is a picture of a true miracle sent from God
and what a plan He has overall
How small we are in His big plan
I just cry
I cry when I remember
I cry when I see them there screaming for her life and then her taking her breath
I cry at how gracious and loving God is with us
I cry at how our beautiful little babe is still with us
She is so loved
God wanted us to keep loving her
God wanted us to keep loving her
Her laughter is so beautiful
God wanted us to keep hearing it
Her joy is so radiant
God wanted us to keep feeling it
God wanted us to keep feeling it
Her smile is so full
God wanted it to spill into others
God wanted it to spill into others
Her heart is so pure
God wanted us to see Him though it
God wanted us to see Him though it
Her life is so valued
God has a purpose for her
God has a purpose for her
Her breath is so precious
God keeps breathing into her
God keeps breathing into her
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Describing word
If I told you my favourite word to feel
it would be the word that describes that overwhelm-feel
for the
good, sad, hurt, forgotten, old, young, unloved, torn,
coloured, uncoloured, perfect, loved, melodic, broken, teardrop
kind of
people, humankind, plebeian, rabble, masses
Put them in a globe with your favourite scene.
Colour the sky with what thunders inside you
flutter all them into flakes
they make my favourite word I feel
Theres only one word I can think of to describe this
and I haven't learned it yet
it would be the word that describes that overwhelm-feel
for the
good, sad, hurt, forgotten, old, young, unloved, torn,
coloured, uncoloured, perfect, loved, melodic, broken, teardrop
kind of
people, humankind, plebeian, rabble, masses
Put them in a globe with your favourite scene.
Colour the sky with what thunders inside you
flutter all them into flakes
they make my favourite word I feel
Theres only one word I can think of to describe this
and I haven't learned it yet
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
2017
I broke my resolution in 1 month
I took more than 15+ trips
Went to the beach 6 times
I loved the beach more every time I went
Learned about the beauty in a couple who's still in love 16 yrs later
Babies are my favourite companions
Babies are my favourite companions
I learned how to switch the radio fuse in my car & fixed it more than 10x
Saw Matthew Mayfield live for the first time
I went to one of my bucket-list shows Les Mes and I cried the whole time
I hiked some new trails on Hanging Rock (1 pt)
The first Ywamers came to my house (2 pts. to Sam & Newell)
Tried my first real Korean food with them (3pts for 3 new firsts with them)
Bought my first article of clothing online
I flew on 4 planes
Got a henna tattoo from a good friend
Babies, babies, babies
I flew on 4 planes
Got a henna tattoo from a good friend
Babies, babies, babies
I started yoga and loving it
Experienced a 2nd babe blessing coming into the world (I also cried)
I learned some new constellations and I love them
Spent 3 weeks at my Grandparents in WA. It was 3 of the most relaxed weeks.
(Grandma makes the best pancakes & bread. Which has everything to do with it)
My little Blondie from France came to America. We added our 5th country to our travels.
My little Blondie from France came to America. We added our 5th country to our travels.
I wrote 8 new songs
Nannied for the most polite 2yr old twins in the world, they inspired me to be like them
I nannied for the cutest baby girl on earth & found out I need to marry a black man to have beautiful mixed babies
I was assumed to be a Mom to my nieces, nephews, or my nanny kids more than 100x
Learned little more about racism & how much it still exists in the South, in the oldies, in people, in too many places
I learned about loving someone who doesn't love you as much
I learned about loving someone who doesn't love you as much
I drank maté in the back of an underground coffee shop with my favourite French girl
Did my first corn maze and got verrr lost since I'm directionally challenged.
(We also still got the prize organic apple we didn't deserve since we didn't finish)
I converted to Coke over Dr.pepper (sorrynotsorry)
Drove the newest car I ever have (5weeks hott off the press)
Spent too much $$ on coffees & Chai Teas
Tasted a true Chinese appatizer (of eggplant) and I threw up in my mouth but made it look as casual as a person
with eggplant in their mouth can.
with eggplant in their mouth can.
Went to NYC and surprisingly enjoyed a lot of peace and quiet
Went to my first concert on water and I cried cause they played Vivaldi, Bach and Rossini over the NY skyline.
I smoked a cigar or two for a first time
I smoked a cigar or two for a first time
Read more books than the last 2 years combined
I got to experience brand-spanking new life at it's first wee hours
I like Asheboro less & less to live, but its a hometown to come back to visit
Babies keep me sane & give me the most laughs
I consistently exercised more months out of the year than not (which is good for someone like myself)
I tried to do a handstand before Christmas: fail-ation
Went to the original Starbucks (NBD)
I spent a month+ at my sisters and it was my favourite part of the year
I slid down a waterfall
Went to the original Starbucks (NBD)
I spent a month+ at my sisters and it was my favourite part of the year
I slid down a waterfall
My favourite buy of the year was a pair of sunglasses bigger than my face.
(A real pair not that photo booth yellow fakeness)
(A real pair not that photo booth yellow fakeness)
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
I don't know anything about love
Some of the things I used to love
I used to love slides and colouring with the white crayon on a cream paper.
Tricycles, gel pens, and teddy grams, toe-socks, and everything about bears.
Obviously wearing bangs on my forehead for a phase (that was my Moms idea)
Going up and down an escalator 37x every time we went to the airport
McDonalds McChicken Sandwiches, the horn on my bicycle, asking how to spell things (still me)
Writing pen-pals, pretending I liked horses for a summer (didn't work).
The Toothbrush movie and Country Mouse&City Mouse,
Waving at people from the back of the van, playing the ABC game on road trips.
Corduroy the Bear books, Jonie B. Jones, and Amila Bedelia.
I used to love painting each toenail a different colour,
And hiding the ramon noodles above the cupboards.
I used to love polka dots,
And once I wore my pink frog pajamas every night for a year straight.
I can't name everything I used to love because I loved a lot of important and unimportant things.
All these things and more
I loved, and still love, or love a little less.
What I want to know is..
Can you lose your love?
or are you just outgrowing it.
Expanding it?
Is your love growing to better things, matured, meaningful things?
or is your mind losing its love for simplicity?
I used to love this little toy that would roll a ball back and forth
Now its a baby toy I still own but never use. Did I lose my love?
I used to love capturing tadpoles and making mud pools for little froggers.
Now I kinda squirm at frogs and still pretend they give me worts.. did I lose some love?
I used to love pretending I had to pee so I could get out of bed when I wasn't supposed to
Now I love getting in bed and not getting out to pee... did I lose a little love?
And these are just the simple things.
The simple loves.
What about the deeper love?
If we lose the simple-love, do we also lose the deeper loves?
Loving to run to meet your Dad with hugs and kisses, or sitting on his lap reading a book,
taking your siblings to their favourite places, or making your Mom a MothersDay card,
washing someones dishes for them because you appreciate them,
taking family trips of hours & months spent together in a van,
making yourself look like a fool just to make someone laugh,
to cry because you feel pain, crying because the view is beautiful,
crying because you love something, crying because you love someone,
missing the sound of children running through the house,
fighting for your country, for your family,
dying in wars for what you believe,
standing up for someone else, standing up for your belief, dying for what you believe,
sharing something meaningful, telling someone they're beautiful,
giving your time for someone else, sacrificing your own priorities,
putting others first, showing humility in all that you do, putting Christ first in your life,
setting an example even when you don't feel like it, choosing to commit the rest of your life with one person until death, having a baby and forever putting their needs above yours,
making coffee for someone in the morning (maybe that's a simple love buts its pretty big for me ;)
and all the much much deeper loves, that these barely seem to scratch the surface
Levels of Love
Is it that love is a staircase and you have to start with beginning small steps
and the older you get the further your love can grow and expand
By learning from examples, others, experience, pains, lessons, trials...
From your mind and heart getting exposed to new levels of love, hate, the world?
Do people choose how far their love grows?
At some point you have these new steps ahead of you...
but you're stuck on the past of your failures, or how life has messed up everyone
so we choose to stay on that level and take no steps further in love
We choose to stop loving
and some of us choose to take steps back.
To downgrade our love to the years of closed-mindedness
or maybe to protect our own selves
from the deeper costs of a deeper love
and choose to stay with the simple love
maybe the simple love is easiest
maybe its nice cause you're not exposed to the hate in the world yet
....or exposed to the danger of deeper love
but also choosing to surface your love
you're missing out on the deepness of love
and the beauty it holds and gives
I ono Iono I don't know.
Somebody can tell me
Cause I don't know
I don't know anything about love except what I maybe knoww
I used to love slides and colouring with the white crayon on a cream paper.
Tricycles, gel pens, and teddy grams, toe-socks, and everything about bears.
Obviously wearing bangs on my forehead for a phase (that was my Moms idea)
Going up and down an escalator 37x every time we went to the airport
McDonalds McChicken Sandwiches, the horn on my bicycle, asking how to spell things (still me)
Writing pen-pals, pretending I liked horses for a summer (didn't work).
The Toothbrush movie and Country Mouse&City Mouse,
Waving at people from the back of the van, playing the ABC game on road trips.
Corduroy the Bear books, Jonie B. Jones, and Amila Bedelia.
I used to love painting each toenail a different colour,
And hiding the ramon noodles above the cupboards.
I used to love polka dots,
And once I wore my pink frog pajamas every night for a year straight.
I can't name everything I used to love because I loved a lot of important and unimportant things.
All these things and more
I loved, and still love, or love a little less.
What I want to know is..
Can you lose your love?
or are you just outgrowing it.
Expanding it?
Is your love growing to better things, matured, meaningful things?
or is your mind losing its love for simplicity?
I used to love this little toy that would roll a ball back and forth
Now its a baby toy I still own but never use. Did I lose my love?
I used to love capturing tadpoles and making mud pools for little froggers.
Now I kinda squirm at frogs and still pretend they give me worts.. did I lose some love?
I used to love pretending I had to pee so I could get out of bed when I wasn't supposed to
Now I love getting in bed and not getting out to pee... did I lose a little love?
And these are just the simple things.
The simple loves.
What about the deeper love?
If we lose the simple-love, do we also lose the deeper loves?
Loving to run to meet your Dad with hugs and kisses, or sitting on his lap reading a book,
taking your siblings to their favourite places, or making your Mom a MothersDay card,
washing someones dishes for them because you appreciate them,
taking family trips of hours & months spent together in a van,
making yourself look like a fool just to make someone laugh,
to cry because you feel pain, crying because the view is beautiful,
crying because you love something, crying because you love someone,
missing the sound of children running through the house,
fighting for your country, for your family,
dying in wars for what you believe,
standing up for someone else, standing up for your belief, dying for what you believe,
sharing something meaningful, telling someone they're beautiful,
giving your time for someone else, sacrificing your own priorities,
putting others first, showing humility in all that you do, putting Christ first in your life,
setting an example even when you don't feel like it, choosing to commit the rest of your life with one person until death, having a baby and forever putting their needs above yours,
making coffee for someone in the morning (maybe that's a simple love buts its pretty big for me ;)
and all the much much deeper loves, that these barely seem to scratch the surface
Levels of Love
Is it that love is a staircase and you have to start with beginning small steps
and the older you get the further your love can grow and expand
By learning from examples, others, experience, pains, lessons, trials...
From your mind and heart getting exposed to new levels of love, hate, the world?
Do people choose how far their love grows?
At some point you have these new steps ahead of you...
but you're stuck on the past of your failures, or how life has messed up everyone
so we choose to stay on that level and take no steps further in love
We choose to stop loving
and some of us choose to take steps back.
To downgrade our love to the years of closed-mindedness
or maybe to protect our own selves
from the deeper costs of a deeper love
and choose to stay with the simple love
maybe the simple love is easiest
maybe its nice cause you're not exposed to the hate in the world yet
....or exposed to the danger of deeper love
but also choosing to surface your love
you're missing out on the deepness of love
and the beauty it holds and gives
I ono Iono I don't know.
Somebody can tell me
Cause I don't know
I don't know anything about love except what I maybe knoww
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)