2016

Not everything I did in this past year 
But a few little or big, best or funny or ridiculous sidelines that kept me going and growing..

•Left the country 4 times
   -Bahamas (new)
   -Canada
   -Europe (new) +7 countries
   -Peru
•Lived on my own in the US (only had out of country)
•Bought my own first Christmas tree
•Learned more about Art
•Began to like pups a little more
•Received art in snailmail form
     (I basically cried of happiness)
•Cried over something I never have before. 
• Wrote many dumb things, funny things
 (only funny to my own selfs humour of course) horrid things, sad things, happy things, silly things mostly. 
• Learned what the word galimatias means
• Ran out of gas once
• Added a "most embarrassing story" to the books.   
           (Mainly cause that a rarity occurrence)
• Met my favourite band and didn't know what to say
• Went to a lot of concerts
• Met a lot of police on accident...
       (made up for past years)
• Now eat ice 24/7
•Now go to bed with a cup of water
• Coffee become a habitual first 
• I like driving in the rain with coffee and poptarts 
• Sunsets in different places (more places than this)
   -Canada driving to the lighthouse
   -Peru jungles
   -Peru capital sitting on a brick wall with Poli
   -Spain beach (1st)
   -My fav. stopping spot on the side of the road
   -The poop-hill with the girls
   -Driving down 64 in Asheboro
   -Asheboro Walmart Dirtpile
• Tried new foods 
       Europes. Italian pizza, gelato, French baguettes, French desserts, German dogs, Austrian pretzels, Swiss cheese, 
• Went to my favourite art museum 
         (for the 2nd time of my life)
• Was disappointed in close friends
• Was proud of and reassured by close friends.
• Opened my heart a little more
• Closed my heart a little more 
• Learned to love brussel sprouts
• Learned to love baby (grape) tomatoes 
• Despise the money making system, trap, 
endless circle of pointless nothing for a hopeless nothing. 
• Went a on cruise for the first time
• Doubles or tripled my music favourites 
      (S/O to myself for finding so many)
• Did a s/o to myself for the first time. 
      (Note previous sentence)
• Wore hott pink shorts for the first time.
• Peed my pants once

Continued

You, however, continue in the thing you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have known.

Science and Song

Sometimes you walk into a library singing to yourself like 'I'm so cold I could pee in my pants.'

And a little ole sweet lady walks by so you hum and pretend you weren't just singin'

And yeh open the door to a bundled lil man who nods his head and totters through.

Maybe you accidentally found yourself in the Science section of the floor 

Then the very young kid asks you if you really like science cause that's his love.

He tells you all the books he's read and advises you to read these ones.

He shows you the world record that one day he's going to beat.

You tell him to try cause he can do it. 

He shyly laughs but he's on his way to genius.

If only we all read our way through life to beat someones record and be a genius

If only we all laughed shyly and were half as humble.

Later there is Spotify playing all the good things.

There are so many good songs.

It makes me sad deep down that its literally impossible to hear every beautiful song ever written.

I don't know what possessed me to look up my own name for as a song.

I knew there would be nothing.

I knew because I live a life of repeating my name to every new soul asking.

I knew because there is no way.
No keychains. No bicycle license plates. No name ever.

You can imagine my freaking out finding an album lo and behold-ly. 

You can imagine my freaking out finding a song lo and behold-ly.

A sad calm song about a breakup with a girl and my name.

I didn't care. I cared about the song.

You can imagine my freaking out finding aNOTHER song

A song. not a SONG. A rap. A RAP.

A rap song about a breakup and a girl and my name.

I always knew my name was black.

I always knew she was.

I knew that other Renita out there was black.

Thank you to the boyfriend of Renita who wrote her a rap song.

Thank you for the calm one that is beautiful and the rap one that is hilarious.

Thank you for lil grown Gran's & Gramps who nod and smile.

Thanks for the little boy who told me his plan of beating the worlds record and his love for science.

Prideful trust

Trust is uncomfortable

Being vulnerable and honest is uncomfortable

Why is that?

If we can't even trust the ones closest to us

or maybe not even close to us

or anyone for that matter

Who are we even trusting?

Ourselves?

You trust yourself to everything you hold?

Where does that put you.

What does that turn you into?

What happens when one day you wake up and you're so out of line with everything

because you've only trusted yourself.

You've only gone by your own rules.

By what you think is right.

By your own good standard.

why?

because you can't "trust" anyone else?

because everyone else is a terrible human being?

because everyone else has messed up and turned into self-centered robots

self-centered robots

self-centered

self

say that again?

the very act you're trying to stay away from...

you deliberately choose to become 

....by not trusting in anyone
by not having accountability with anyone outside yourself because of your own "lack of trust"

isn't that what got everyone to the place they're in?

Isn't it because nobody trusts anyone enough 

and we think we're somehow able to hold ourselves accountable?

What. NO.

You can't hold your own self accountable!

Who do you think you are?

How can we think because we've gone through something so terrible in our life,

that possibly someone around us hasn't experienced

that it gives us the right to think we've no need to be honest

as if it gives us a right to think we're more trustworthy than others
as if it somehow gives us more capability to be better so we've no need to "rely on people"
because thats what trusting really is
thats what it mostly is
admitting your own weaknesses or struggles
admitting you may need help from (oh no) someone outside yourself (gasp)
and you can't tell anyone because...?
...you can handle it?
you can handle it just as much as they did.
let that be your reminder
you're just as human as everyone else.

The audacity we have to think we could ever do something good on our own.

How prideful it is.

how prideful we are.
we pridefully only trust in ourself and don't look to others or even Jesus
and we think they don't got it.
and we think we got it
whats wrong with being uncomfortable?
we can't handle it?
so instead we let ourselves turn into self grown pigs?
because accountability is uncomfortable
and trust is uncomfortable
and vulnerability is uncomfortable
and being honest the same
and basically
we just need to get over ourselves.

idk.
idk much about anything really.
i was just thinking about trust and people and people talking about real issues inside themselves
and I get the whole idea of how hard it is to be open and trust
I get that we're dumb humans with emotions that worry about stupid opinions anyone might have
But its more than that
its so much bigger than that
But we let ourselves stop at some lame cause like that
and so of course we're all gonna end up how we are.
idk
idk again.
I was just thinking about trust and people and people talking about real issues inside themselves
and I was seeing the side of myself in why I don't trust
and obviously this isn't the only reason why
and I didn't even mean to bring this side of the trust issue up
but thats all I did
because I started seeing the fact that people won't trust because of their pride
(yes I know not only that of course)
but that very little fact ... (not so little cause it actually plays a huge part.)
but that fact made me really mad, really fast.
Pride always makes me mad
I'm prideful
I make myself really mad
so thats why it turned to that
sorry.
Probably nothing makes sense
huhu welcome to the world

Not Settlin'

Are we just destined to be the same?
Maybe the largest fear of my life.
When you stop and view the life around you
And all you see is its endless cycles that all repeat themselves
Forever discouraging that anything could ever be different
That people could maybe be better than you think they are
Maybe I'm just wrong and blind by hurt, pain, or bitterness
Maybe people are beautiful and astounding
It might be so
It might be true
Actually I know it's true
But where is it
Where are they
Why did they give up
What made them give in
We all see the stupid cycle
Passed from generation to generation
and we're young and we see
and we're kids and we've been effected by it all
so we say our whole lives "I'll never do that, I'll never be like them"
And then you grow up
and the world smacks you in the face and knocks you off the only two feet you've known
and you thought you might be able to handle it cause you saw it all your life
you knew about it, and you had it all figured out: How to not become them.
And then life laughed at you and said "Here take this you prideful soul"
as if to challenge every living adult soul to even dare be happy about life.
What is lifes problem?
What makes someone want to rob joy out of life? And life its joys?
And why, if even a child can see it
Do we let ourselves grow up and ignore something that we knew was so wrong
And why do we learn to care less
And how could we ever dare to care less
As if everyone is just supposed to accept that growing old turns you into a cold hearted lil bastard.
It doesn't.
And I don't have to just accept that.
And just become it because everyone before me did.
The least I can do is be aware of it all
And try as hard as a kid does daily by just seeing and not doing.
How could we just settle and accept that we're going to become exactly what was before us?
Obviously that has been the largest influence in our lives, and it's hard not to become something you've always known.
But isn't that the point?
Just because its hard to do differently than them, leave their habits they've always taught you, learn from the mistakes you've felt the results of, get out the comfortable routine, probably stand alone and apart from everyone because everyone doesn't dare to leave...
None of it is an excuse to settle and accept it
Maybe we won't beat it
Maybe we won't be much better
But that's hardly possible if you're at least trying.
As far as I see it, if someone is trying at all... they're doing better than the majority of everyone else.
Actually maybe all we really gotta do
Is just put others before us
Think about them over you
Love them more than you love yourself
Care about someone else's opinion more than your own
Be nice for no reason other than the fact that people are humans and created by God
Don't accept that you're just destined to be everyone before you.
Don't accept that you'll just turn into a lil grown bastard
Don't become the emotionless, selfish, blind, hurt, bitter hearted robot because all of this is your reality and it's harder than hell to be different than it.
Don't accept that you're destined to become everyone else.

The Rain

All my life has been spent in harbor
Feet planted port side eyes fixed starboard
Every day seems harder
Harder to stay put
But then every step I take seems like I started out on the wrong foot.
I just need a little push
I've heard the sea is rough
And generally thats enough to persuade my roots to dig deeper into the pier
It appears the my peers feel the same
A forest of people to scared to get in the boat but to intrigued to look away
We just stare at the frontier
We look hope in the face, but turn away in fear
Uncertain that the boat can handle the waves
If the boat can handle the days, upon days, upon days of rain
And I'm sick of it
All I can see is sickness and its existence
And so even if seasickness is my reward for this resistance
Than so be it.
I'd rather die in the storms at sea than on a pier straining to see it
But I can't do it alone.
This boat is sturdy but still sways
I need assurance in this journey
I need an anchor
And a way to keep my vessel tethered
A rock to keep my boat in place when the storms of life seek to drown me in self-pity and disgrace
A rock to remind me to be more bow(?) and less stern
A rock to remind me the reward is better than earthly measure
So whether or not the weather takes a turn for the worst'

I welcome the rain

and leave behind

an empty hearse.

sleepwrittens

Once I wrote a song in my sleep. I was still asleep when I wrote it.
It was more than I thought. It came from a dream or real life or both.
When I woke up it was just there and existed.

Probablymostly

Remember once when I felt like a hermit in the middle of NYC. Sometimes I feel the same again.
but idk. sometimes it changes. to a little bird flying in the sky some days.
or maybe a parrot being taught words to say over and over. thats it. Probably a parrot.
guys think of it. what if.. wooaaa
but sometimes a lil panda bear just holding on for dear life. all fluffy and puffy and just holdin'
mostly I live a parrot and panda life.

I named it Untitled

A lawnmower and stripes. A field and a girl. A misunderstanding and too many emotions.
When she got angry all she could do was walk. I could probably walk to the moon and back.
Today the woods would be the moon. Picked the blasted rocks and threw them. And any logs her weakling self could carry. Wow I'm strong. I can throw a whole foot or two. Two goats eating by the river. Blast these wretched goats! Why are you everywhere. But really they're not. You just happened upon them today. I could walk a thousand fields by now. Anything to cool this off. Field and hill. Field and hill. Field and hill. Horses and horse pies. and wheat fields almost waist high. Walk it off. Walk it off.
The corner. The corner of it all. the property line that ends the land of where home has always lain.
Home. My familiar places are all the same. Except all the changes.
The corner fence post is my chair for looking at life. I don't know what to think or say or do.
She doesn't know how much time goes by. Half hour? Hour? The sun moves down.
I need to see the colours of the sun leaving today. Will you bring all your colours across the sky.
This corner is no place to watch the painting. Thats all I need to see right now.
Jump the fence and walk the drive. Cross the property you know too well and find one you don't.
Tractors and trucks been here so long.What have they done to these forests. What are they thinking. In the distance a four-wheeler, tractor, and voices make noise. They're here. I can't see them. If they find me will they be friendly or angry. They'll ask me why I'm here and I'll tell them I came to find the sun. Its glowing and blinding now. Its about to settle down. I walked through field and hill. Field and hill again. and again. Behind the woods I found a farm. I'm going find them. Explore the farm and all those silos. Farm folk are always nice. The only thing stopping me called my imagination. Or maybe my logic. What if a boa constrictor comes and bites your toe, you faint and die. Nobody knew you were here. You are forever missing. and nobody ever knows what happened to you. MIA they forever say. MIA from mowing the lawn. Fine. Good logic you are. Keeping me in line huh. The sun is on her way down. Forget finding the farm and remember the sun. Climb the tallest hill and sit. I sit. I'm here on dirt covered hills. Fields of beans or something growing in sections and the rest is knocked down woods. The scene is a brown hill. Below it all around is circled in trees. Behind is a tractor and a cultivator. To the right the sun is dropping fast. It didn't bring colours. Just its glowing circle dropping into the forests. To the left. The sun makes the trees glow in rich deep greens. Its prettier than the sunset today. The sun leaves. A tiny cloud sparks pink. I see the first star. The moon came out of nowhere and the sky is turning gold. The hill is silent. I am silent. I usually might say something to the trees or myself. or sing or think. Now I don't. I can't. The silence is beauty. Actually I hear the highway and the voices still from unknown. And the tractor that keeps going. Its all a part of it. I sit. On the right the trees are now silhouetted black. The left still glows deep green. If my life was a colour I hope it would look like that. I count 7 stars now. The sky is turning dark blue and the black is coming on my right. I see a farm from here. Is there anyone there sitting on their hill watching the sun too? Sometimes I wish for someone to be here too. People should see beauty together. And remember it. Soak it up. I think watching sunsets or glowing green forests is kind of like medicine to our human emotions. So then I'm half glad someones not here. You didn't keep your cool while walking it off. You throw rocks and sticks and why should that help? Maybe it should. mmaybe it does. Who knows. idk why our brains even think to do that when you're mad. Not everyone does. Why should I? blehhp. well. you made it to a brown hill surrounded by trees and a yellow covered sky. The beauty it shows you wins over the emotions and you sit and be calmed. The stars are peeping out. and its darkened everywhere. I just want life to be this beauty in all its moments. How did ugly lame pointless arguments and misunderstandings start becoming more often than this? And why isn't the whole world stopping to see the trees glow and turn into silhouettes. I'm not leaving. I'm never leaving this place. I'll make this moment the rest of my life. Then my life will be nothing but beautiful this. Alright. I stand up and turn to walk home. I have to cover my whole way back and it'll be black by the time I'm back (yes.yes I know. I'm a cute poet) Everything is black and lit by a half moon. Across the bean field I see a white tarp lain over it. I don't remember that. Of course not you blonde. Its the fog of the night. Sneakin' up on them plants. I could scare myself now if I let myself. The black and the white fog creepin' and the light from the moon. But its too pretty to be scary. Its the beauty of the night. Its the beauty we always miss cause we're focused on the unimportant matters in life. I turn around and the tractor is now silhouetted at the top of the hill with one star above it. One black tractor and a white star.
I think about this year. Its half over. I'm not ready for that.
I thought about someone who was good by stopping someone from expecting a bad year.
"Don't say that. Its going to be a nice year" Has it been a nice year Renita? I go through each month. Jan..Feb..March.. I go through what happened in each month. April, May.. June.. I love it all.
I hate some of it. I love most of it. It's beautiful. It teaches me. It's life. Its mistakes. Its blows. Its warmth. Its comfort. Its time.. July. August..anyway. I remembered the year. The good, bad and beauty and ugly and best and worst and greatest and
It's all crazy, It's all false, It's all a dream, It's alright,
Its what I say to myself and life.
alrighhh alrighh I think I'm done. Sometimes my brain just narrates my life on accident.
and don't read this, its all just nonsense probably. idknowwhat I write.
But once I turned around and counted 27 stars. Walked ten feet.
And then thought there was no way that was only 27. Recount and 27...34..37.... I found the big dipper.. and also I found my star...40..42.
A walk home with the white fence and the moon and its shadows.

We're not Them yet..

We're not them yet...

Everyone knows it. Everyone knows Them.
Everyone doesn't understand Them. Everyone doesn't like Them.
Everyone can't support Them.
Everyone still loves Them.
Everyone tries to learn from Them. Everyone sees the differences.
Everyone sees the what They should do instead.
Everyone learns from it.
Everyone hurts from it.
Everyone doesn't know how to deal it.
Everyone knows they're being hurt by Them but Everyone knows its not on purpose by Them.
Everyone hides it. Everyone stuffs it away,
Then hates it.
Then Everyone hates Them.
then Everyones blind to it.
Everyone is blind that they stopped loving Them.
then Everyones starting to do the same things.
Everyone does the same things as Them!
Them who Everyone watched their whole life!
Everyone knew it all.
Knew it all was coming.
Was it inevitable?
Is it the life itself?
Does this inevitably happen to Everyone?
Or is Everyone accepting it.
Because Everyone has seen Them their whole lives.
Everyone knew them.
Everyone didn't wanna be them.
But Everyone was hurt.
and Everyone didn't know what to do.
Everyone knew and still what.
And Everyone.
And Them.
And Everyone of Them.
Then Everyone becomes Them.

Are we Them yet?

Idk what this rollerrollercoaster is.

I'm drowning inside.
I'm dying at the thought of everything.
I'm flying inside
I'm crying at the thought of everything.
the pain and disgrace of it all.
It all is this world
and its nonsense and nonsensical people
and its deep richness and its rich deepness of people
and the horrible horrendous things people are going through
and we're all the same
and we're all different
and we all ignore that theres a problem
and we're the problem
Where is everyone letting the beauty hide?
Why is everyone hiding it
People are beautiful and there is nothing like them.
But the unfathomable things everyone goes through everyday
is tearing them up and covering and taking over their lives
and sometimes its choice,
sometimes its without realizing it
sometimes we're born in the blindness of what we're living
cause its all we've known
but there is beauty
even though you hardly see it
I hardly see it
until I realize I'm blinding myself to it
or maybe this world is crazy and insane and its goodness is hardly visible
but I'm not just going to accept it
I'm not going to accept the stupidity that keeps messing up each others lives
Has everyone just accepted it and thats why they've become it?
Everyones a mess because of hurt and pain and stupidness
But what are you gonna do about it?
I can't do anything about you or about them.
So maybe I won't.
But I'm not going to just watch it either
and do nothing. and accept that this is the horrendous world I live in
yes its horrendous and I hate it and life is stupid and people are worse
so what. I realize that.
but do something to make it more beautiful and less worse
just quit it. and change it. and stop being it yourself.
I hate change and I love change
its the worst thing and the best thing
its the hardest thing and sometimes the easiest thing
its just usually the least desired
One minute I'm angry at the ugliness of everything
and the next I'm standing up for its beauty
what is liiifeee
who is it and why is it like this?
If you don't know.
Figure it out.
Stop just asking the questions.
Find the answers.

Ignorant-Igorance

     Who does a person think they are to ignore the existence of another being? 
I'm trying to understand.
Wondering if there is much worse.
I haven't found much worse.      
Because ignoring has so many levels.
You ignore little things like a question someone asks you.
By ignoring that,
you are telling them how much you acknowledge the life of that person.
You don't care enough to even respond to the precious life they are given.
So this little act you thought wasn't so big... turns out to be the biggest of all.
You're ignoring LIFE! God given life to someone else too!
Where did your life come from?
Where did you get that breath you just wasted to say a snide comment and then ignore a human being?    
Who are you to decide your breath is more important than theirs?
If you shouldn't like to respond.
At least say so.
But never, ever, ever, sit there silently as if to pretend they don't exist.
This small level of ignoring isn't so small.
It leads to too many deeper things.
Whether for yourself or the other.
On you're end you have no respect for the life of others.
On their end.. they know it.
Horrible.Terrible.Impudent. mindset about life.
Please please start thinking about life! you foolish earth.     
I understand there is a time and place for ceasing to talk and converse.
But there is never a time to ignore the existence of life.
Even the smallest act of acknowledging you heard and saw but can't continue in a further talk is at least giving credit to the fact that they are a living human being like yourself.
Think about what you're doing.
Think about what you're not doing.
Have some respect for your life.
And more for the life of others. 

Aliens are always nice.

     The streets are like nice little fine pieces of cake. You know when you cut that slice perfectly and it looks scrumptious on the tiny tea plate? Well Austrias neighborhood front lawns are the same.

     The houses are little doll houses. With my favourite one painted green and it had a stone grandfather clock outside and the vines growing to the sky.

    We arrive in an early morning and take a walk through town searching for a place. Our map brings us through streets and a river. The day is early with clouds and chirping birds. A little rain falls. And we see our first most beautiful Austrian mountains.
     We tour a town called Salzburg and it's good and it's grand. What I loved most was the land. Hah I'm a poet. Jaykayelohel
    We discovered that soft pretzels must be the Salzburg jams cause they sold them big beauties everywhere. We ate pretzels and coffee in a plaza park. And I played human-chess with a Chinese boy and he almost beat me. Luckily a toddler came and ruined the game and also the Chinese boy started cheating. But he was cute and asked for a championship picture afterward.
We're chess pals now.
      Cable cars up into castles. That was a first time. It was steep and might have been a good rollercoaster if it lasted longer than one minute. Inside this castle there was a room about puppets on a string (it is Salzburg and remember the VonTrapp children did a show once) well, in this room I opened a puppet door and it screamed and scared the creepin jeepers outta me.
    Salzburg is also the birth place of Mozart. And he was such a genius. You should probably stop right now and listen to his pieces and his operas and his everything. Also. What I didn't know. Is his sister was a pretty genius too and had some amazing talent. But she laid a lot of it aside for her lil bro to become famous.
   Mozart and his music y'all.
We did a tour of the Sound Of Music. Booyyyy do I love thet. It will forever be my favourite mvovieee.musicandmaria.
How do you solve problem like her?
    GUYS. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SALZBURG AUSTRIA.
The people!
The people. The people.
The people are more nice than maybe anywhere. They must all come from a another planet we haven't discovered yet, so I've made a new mission to look for it. Or maybe they have really good hearts and that's just so sad that it's such a rarity to find.
We walked searching for our street and even a bus driver stopped from driving to ask us if we need help. Then a little elder lady as nice as pie itself, was walking her big dog,and she stops us saying "Good morning! Can I help you with something?"
... I know you're probably thinking we must have looked very lost, but really we weren't (promise) the people are so nice they just want to talk and make sure you're okay. How many times have you stopped someone just to check up on them? Hmmm.
    Once I screamed in the middle of the street. Because! Becauseeee get this. I saw the most recognizable sign of my life.
Guys! I found Aldi in Austria!!
(PS. I just took a break and made a probably too long Snapchat story about how I just discovered I add S to Aldi's. At least until now. Hah. Not today Bob) 
It's name here is Hoover. (That's Aldi)
I kinda like that and will probably adopt that as my new name for it.
But suruslyall. I felt at home just because of this familiar Hoover sign. 
Life is good in Austria when Hoover is around. Life was good for me in Austria because I bought soft pretzels and fruit from Hoover. And mostly because it was gorgeous but even more mostly because the people are aliens and nice.
I always knew aliens were real.
They're all over Austria. 
I'll probably move there and learn to be like the aliens. I love them.

Colazione is Italian for Breakfast.

First of all. Traveling is my best bae of all.
On a layover through somewhere I've been wanting to go for a long time... I was disappointed not to leave the airport. But you know how it is. Time and airports and waiting all fly hand in hand. So you do what you do. And maybe miss an opportunity through Russia. But, that just means I'll have to come back. So, be waiting Russia.
     I get to see my friend of 3 years ago. I am reminded at the beauty of God's connecting hand. A person from a small town in Carolina. Meets a Romanian. In the jungles of Peru. And 3 years later goes to visit them at their house in Rome Italy.
    Lidia is a woman of great example to me. She has been since the day I met her in the jungle. I admire her so much. I am always so humbled just being around her and seeing her daily life. She is such a servant to everyone around her. And enjoys it to no end. She makes anyone feel like a child being pampered by their favourite aunt. And gives you sweet pats on the head like a knowing wise woman.
  Well. In case you didn't know it. I hope to continue learning and maybe one day can be a sweet kind lady with half as much wisdom :)
    Italy. Oh Italy. It is filled with great walls of ruins and history and beauty. I love the visible history everywhere around you. Something that surprised me most was the amount of graffiti everywhere. I was surprised at such a historical city being overrun by graffiti... it ruins so many gorgeous buildings and places. But. The locals themselves told us that the majority of the Romans don't do much about it or mind it much. They've just accepted it everywhere.
   Italian famo food. Let's say if I had to live off coffee and pizza from any one place. It would be here. I now have a higher respect for those tiny little tea cups of dark black coffee. It's guuuuuuudness is now forever sketched on my lil ole taste buds and I'll probably be craving it everyday of my life.
   Rome.Florence.Milan.and Venice. All completely beautiful places. Rome I loved this history and beauty in its old Rome ruins. And one of my favourite persons in the world. Michaelangelo and his geniuses of art and sculpture. The Sistene? I was going to plan a way to hide there after closing and then sleep on the floor just looking at it all night. Then wake up to the amazement of it. My plan is still in process so maybe I'll give it a trial run next time I'm through.
Lemme know of you want in.
    Florence again with Michaelangelos great work. And my favourite cathedral on the outside is here. Shes made of gorgeous white, green, and red marble EVERYTHINGEVERYWHERE.
I decided if Michaelangelo found a way to come forward in time to my day. Then I would ask him pretty please very nice and sweet if he would build me a house just like it. And I would raise millions of little orphans in at and they would all learn to make cookies and sell lemonade and he could be their favourite uncle.
So that's my plan for him if he gets here.
Florence is beautiful. Marble is beautiful and walking through towns with gelato stores everywhere is gud.
   Milan. Friends from Argentina. I now wanna really learn Italian because listening to Italian families joke around the table and pretty stinking thankful I understand 70% of it thanks to Spanish. So hullo 3rd language please come teach me. Milan is full of fashion shoppers and pigeons in the plaza. Charlie and I had the honour of being covered with 20 birds all over just building nests in our hair. We are fine and the pigeons are finer.
    Venice. I can't say anything now. Except please git a leg up and book yer ticket to Venice now. I'll be there with my gondola and wearing the striped shirt with the sun hat and a bow. I found my new calling in life. Gondalier. You know where to find me. Paddling all the baes around the rivers and also drinking Italian espressos.
   So this is just a .6489294% of my thoughts on Italy. I have loads of it and it's large variety of goodness. Tune in next time to hear about the time my train car almost got disconnected and would go to the wrong country unbeknownst to myself. Thankfully a ticket master likes to offer beer and coffee to two girls looking for empty seats.

heardit.knowit.heartit.

Ask a poet and he will say all he has is words.
Don’t believe him,
He has a universe inside his mind.
And when he says all he can give you is his words,
don’t believe him.
Because these are the fragments of his heart.

people see people

I love learning about people, and how they think, and especially how they view life.
Cause its all different. Its different than myself, the way I am, and than the way I see life.
And its good for the brain and the heart to see these things. realize these things
Too many times of seeing a person and thinking how incredibly insane they appear
because they appear as if they hardly think deeply about actual life.
Yet, there you are sitting in your seat looking at them through your own eyes and view of life.
And maybe when you get the chance (or maybe actually give them the chance)
your mind (and heart) are finally opened to see and understand the whys about a person.
And see the way they view life. Whether its because they've been through a hell you never knew about, or whether its because they don't even know why themselves.
Being opened and let in to someones elses life... is a privilege, a struggle, a blessing, a changing view, a burden, a help, a closeness, a form of trust, a vulnerability, a hurt, a friendship, a bond, a power,'
an understanding, a some many things.
and its just one of the hardest things to do and be in life.
be true. honest. open. vulnerable. trusting.
because people hurt. and hurt people hurt people.
but it becomes easier to be a numb robot than a vulnerable human.
but its our choice too
so when I finally realize in a moment that someone is opening just a tiny part of themselves
I want the whole world to stop and freak out about it and just sit and listen
because I know how hard that is for myself
and its probably just as hard for them too
so just stop and set people and their hearts at the top
cause there's nothing worse than everyone continually, daily closing up to everyone.
thats whats made this world the way it is
so quit being it.
value the little feelings and questions and seemingly over emotional and dramatic cries and attitudes
cause its all little evidences from a someones heart in pain or joy or despair or hope or everything

fumly

We talked about the meaning of what this has meant.
Its a long long story.
It might be as long as my life, but its longer even.
As long as our parents lives.
But still even longer.
Even they might not realize how much longer it was before that.
Everyone was connected.
I to my parents, to their parents, to their parents, to their parents.
And it made each of them who they were.
And it makes each of us who we are now.

La year en Michigan.

Couple things bout bein in Michigan
-I keep loving cold weather more than hot weather.
-Spotify is my best friend and gives me artist bestfriends everyday.
-It snowed almost everyday the first week of April! ! ! ! ! I was the happiest person living.
-I didn't eat veggies hardly and ate fruit everyday. (Except a lot of brussels)
-I have a new love for fried brussels sprouts. lil burnt baby lettuce heads? luvem.
-Listened to 5 audio books this month.
-Woke up every morning to the sun comin' in this glass window with beauty pines in it.
-Grace taught me about saying thank you.
-Milky Chance. Twiceyoung. I'm From Barcelona. Spirits of the Red City.
-Someone once told me I always look like I need to sneeze.
-I made so many gudguud playlists en Spudafly
-I only know of two sounds in the world that I can't stand. 3 if you count Mexican maracas.
-The birds taught me a song to write
-I learned I love the soundtrack of NachoLibre. Live him alone, he loves the orphans and a nun.
-Mary taught me about being genuine.
-I was reminded of my favourite kidbooks Corduroy and Amilia Bedilia.
-Besides Daniel makes me want to cry lots of times.
-Queso gives you sweet dreams. -Mr.B
-My dictionary told me about the Scablands, so now I want to go there one day.
-Sunday walks continue to be my favourite no matter where I am.
-I love driving big vehicles
-MatthewMayfield. Luke Sital-Singh. S Carey. Sun Kil Moon. Conor Oberst.
-Cappuccinos in the snow does wonders.
-If you're meant to hang, you're not gonna drown -Another from Mrs.B
-I learned about the beauty in people from the post office lady.
-Strawberries and grapes are a luscious garden in your mouth
-Harry Connick, Jr. Ryan Adams. The Perishers. Birdy. Little Image. The Lone Bellow
-I continue learning how to see pain of different levels.
-April is the month of poems.
-I learned so much more about Europe.
-Lessons with Luke every Friday taught me about adventure, a love for black grapes and thinking.
-I sent more mail this month than probably my whole life together. (20+ yall.wuuaaat)
-Words have meant a lot. Words have meant nothing. Words made me think.

Spending some nights by a crackin' fireplace and learning how to plan a trip around Europe, drinking mate all day long, random dance parties in the kitchen, blaring music so loud Luke screams for some tunin down.. "lilbrehhh we say. Dannceee". Organizing a whole house, every single cupboard, closets, room, and sock. CD's and DVD's for dayzyall. Those things are gonna be gone in no time. They are ready are. Except for the hidden closets of houses. Sharing life experience and outlook of it over a black island with hanging lights. Walks outside just to be in the cold. Wearing scarves because hotlands NC is getting closer. Hodrod and gang like to party. Sheep, ducks, and turtles in a Saturday.
Walking with two baes in a park for hours. Driving to the hill for the sunrise. The police that bid us goodmorning after a check on a punchbug. The trees that we gave names to. And muchmuch.
Its only a year in Michigan because I had all 4 seasons in one month.

Shakes the Greats

In honour of a great. On a day dedicated for it.

Shakespeare invented these words.
Laughable. Fashionable. Zany.
Advertising. Rant. Critical.
Hurry. Lonely, and Gloomy.

What lovely words he made. They are still used everyday in todays.
Plus more. But these are the favourites of mine.
I would love to invent a word that everyone uses in the future forevermore.
Everyone please read at least one book/sonnet/play of Shakespeare this year.
It will be good for you. You might learn something. Anything. Even if you learn that you don't like it.
But he has some good, funny, strange, hilarious, laughable, zany, lonely, and gloomy stuff.
I'm advertising for him right now. Its critical that you go read him, Hurry please do it.
Thanks. End of my rant.
PS. randoms from him may be as follows.

1. ----"Have more than thou showest, Speak less than thou knowest." -- King Lear
2. ----"Certain, men should be what they seem." – Othello
3. ---"Talking isn't doing. It is a kind of good deed to say well; and yet words are not deeds." -- Henry VII
4. ---- "Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, By fearing to attempt"
    -Measure for Measure- 
5. -----"Be patient, for the world is broad and wide." -- Romeo and Juliet-
6. ----- “All the world’s a stage,And all the men and women merely players:They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts.” —Jaques in As You Like It
7. -----"This above all: to thine ownself be true.And it must follow, as the night the day,
8.         Thou canst not then be false to any man.”—Polonius in Hamlet
9. ----He reads much,
        He is a great observer,
        and he looks quite through the deeds of men     -Julius Ceaser
10. ----Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice. 
11. Et tu, Brute? Then fall, Caesar! 

Fried Pride

Pride is an ugly thing.
Its probably the biggest thing thats ruining the world.
Pride does awful things to people.
Maybe we don't recognize it much.
But its the root of the majority of what we do or say.
People run their whole life off pride.
People ruin their whole life off pride.
Its all the same. Its us thinking of us.
How prideful of us.
How guilty I am of this terrible no good sickness.
Like as if the world will stop if you don't get your glory.
wooooawk neahp.
Haughty pride disgusts me.

purplepeople.

A lot of times I have t0o many questions about people and who they really are.
What are you even? Is there even a normal person in you that exists?
What is normal? There isn't even such a thing.
Naaaaabody is normal, and normal is in nobody.
If we know we're all so drastically different,
but still expecting the samesamesame outta everyone.
whutwhy. tellmepluse whywhywhy. I speak in three3threes.
I just want to know who the rip people are sometimes.
whattherip goes through their head to make them whom they are.
I also want to know that mostly about myself.
I'm probably not very normal more than anyone else I know.
Expectations ruin and build. People differ. Did you forget
worse or better
its all for naught or merit.

wurds or doins.

Don't tell me you're honest or serious.
I don't need you to talk
You don't need to say anything.
Its all revealed in what we do.
We do what we want.
We say what we want.
And most the time.
The saying doesn't match the doing.
So I may watch your lips move
I know that words are supposed to mean something
And I may pretend that I'm listening to the words come out
But really its like a silent movie.
Where you watch their lips move.
Well, in this silent movie. I've learned
Stop watching the subtitles.
And I don't read lips yet either.
So I've learned to watch what happens instead.
As for the words matching the doing or no.
If they come true, bless you chil
If they don't. Join the worl chil
But I don't really believe in them anyway
I stopped awhile ago,
I don't know when.
No, actually.
I haven't stopped completely.
Just with most people I have.
Just the world in general.
Actually I hate that too.
Because its such a confounded thing.
'pears as though everyone one day starts losing trust
and faith. in everyone and everything.
What a pitiful.awful.ugly world this can be.
What weak.dumb.prideful.arrogant humans we are.
such focus on the stupidities and failures and misunderstandings.
and such missing the realdeal in life and
the beauty of honest good smiles and tender people.
but they are here. The beautiful ones.
They are all around us.
They exist. and we are moronic to only focus on the fails of everything.
I have beautiful people in my life.
Really, indescribable is the only word. because it describes that they can't be described.
I know them. I have them tucked in my heart.
And they will never leave.
Even when we make the blunders of this usual life cause we're all absurd humans.
It makes me feel such awful sadness to realize though,
That it takes a while, or a long time, or forever, for everyone to tuck everyone
I wish it could be anyone.
I want to believe in everyone
and believe that everyone is beautiful
and everyone is yes. I think you can see something beautiful in all
but its terrible that its hidden so much, so long.
because now everyone believes its gone.

ps.I'm sorry to appear so changeful up'ndowntown.
    Its just. We're such conflicting people.
    We're beautiful. We're brutal.
It's all crazy. It's all false. It's all a dream. It's alright.

Captured

I love driving through the snow at night
its like the stars are flying strait into you
and the whole sky just fell onto earth
suffocating us with its enchanting peace.
Of white beautiful magic
and a sweet blissful silence
of snow.
When I grow up I just want to be snow

Insides forever.

If theres one thing fools ever taught us
It's that deep down we can't fool our own insides.
You might fool everyone else. (only you believe that)
But you're not foolin yourself.
well, you have to live with yourself forever.
so.

Tud days Ecstasy.

Today my brain was exploded by lots of new thoughts and old ones and all ones.

Like reading The Agony and the Ecstasy
about the whole life of Michelangelo.
I learned so much more about him. He was crazy. And amazing. 
Did you know he wanted to know how to sculpt the human body so badly 
that he had to know the insides. our insides of our human bodies. 
He dissected several, tons, millions, and billions, of people. persons. humans. and animals and, well I don't know if it was that many. But he was a sneaky lil teenage boy making anatomical studies on the corpses in the convents hospital.
He was dedicated to his desire to know. To understand his passion. To be best at what he lived for.
Heres this book quoted. In case you need to know very badly. Michelangelo is learning. 
"When he took off his next skull, he was astonished to think that men could be so different, when their brains looked and felt so much alike."
also. if you want a visual and a little gross, a little morbid a little.
"When he cut into the brain, it was very similar to cutting very soft cheese"
 And this was something that made me think today. I liked it a lot. 
Not because its all morbid. (cause he was a very strange fellow for this and gives me the creeps a little)
But also a lot of different reasons and none of them having to do with morbidity.
I like the first quote because he is thinking of the humans and complexities.
 The second is because it is describing our brains like cheese.
I have a lot more to say that this has made me think about. 
things beyond squishy soft cheese for brains (well maybe thats what some peoples really are)
But ask me about it instead.

More brain thought of today
My blonde friend Luke and I are riding along foreign Michigan roads. He is explaining to me the need men have to prove they don't need to stop and ask for directions. 
He had to do it today too, obviously. 
We had a good adventure of the extra almost hour getting lost route. I mean, I'm probably okay with getting lost and not asking for directions if any adventure comes from it. And really, you can make adventure anything. so wake up world.
Also we talk about eating healthy.
And crossed a dirty river
And suddenly my brain turned everyone into a river.
And we solved the mathematics about what river our body would be if we were a river. 

I did one of my hopetodo's. or wouldberockinToDo's
Driving a Bunchpuggy babe. yes. Isn't that on your wouldberockin list?
The usual red-hot-chili-peppers bug.
It is also a 5-speed. And I was also a very concentrated person finding directions in this unknown place called Michigan that I'm not from.
And well yeas, I left that life-hack break on. And maybe yeah, I stopped in the middle of the green light intersection figuring out that sucker was still on.
But hey, I was the one in the chili-pepper bug. yellow flower included and everything.
So I'm sure everyone didn't mind. It was like free TV in the middle of your traffic jam. Swag.

Also. It was April Fools today.
And I was very disappointed in the lack of imagination in this very foolish world we're a part of.
But, maybe everyone was just dressed up as fools for the holiday.
And they all fooled me.
Nahdude. That may be on an everyday basis.
But the point of today is to make it known. And mostly, everyone did a poorjob this year.
I always liked you April. I'm still a believer. Don't be fooled by the rest. They will come around.

firyou

I don't drink your blasted ways of how you deal with not understanding.

Quit foolin'

I despise myself for being a fake
I don't want to be fake to them for asking
they're asking because they were taught to
not usually because they want to
and I respond because I'm taught to
not usually because I want to
But I despise the faker
and I despise myself for fakin
but I do anyway
because they're not really asking
they're not really caring to know
they ask because they should
and maybe I just want them to want to ask
instead of askin because they should
but go ahead with everyone else
we all know how to play the same games
we all know its fake.
ask fake. respond fake.
and nobody changes.
and it all continues.
But sometimes I don't continue with you
Because words aren't always the answer.
And I might break down while eating a burrito Easter lunch with my sister
I might break because I hate words
and I hate that people use words because they don't know what else to do
stop using words fools.
but I learn to remember.
people are blind. and don't know what is what
And I might break because I think words are stupid so its the thing to do
and I'm tired of faking words to your fake words
and I might because life is unknown and I'm tired of the unknown sometimes

Idon'tevenknow

People ask me how I am

People ask me whats my name

People just ask

I tell them what I know I should

but should I tell them what I want

no, never.
People ask how you are cause its polite

People ask my name because its a title

and when its polite titles. its just polite titles

thank you for asking.

thank you for completing your duty for today

congratulations. you passed todays test of humanity

Where's your confounded sincerity in life.

everyone wantsit everyone needsit

everyone just hidesit

why

cause we're a messedup wired human creature

that doesn't know how to feel and show that we're feeling

and insensitive and selfish to see others feel and others feeling

and we say whatever we want 

and we feel things we don't say

and we don't have it together 

cause we think we have it together

and we're prideful and not willing 

and don't see 

and don't understand

and not willing to see that we don't understand

and too prideful to see that we can't understand

the plan it planet

   I sit and try to stop thinkin'
bout life and people and whattodoins and all o' it'all
sometimes I wanna stop thinkin'
but I know. i know I gotta. And I hafta.
Sometimes its nice to just remember what you have to do today
and not plan for tomorrow because. what if it doesn't even come
but then theres this thing called life
and where you kinda have to figure out what to do with it
and where you're going and who you are and what you're doing
you know. Everyone asks you
you have to tell them something don't you
if you don't have a plan what are you then?
are you a lazy fool who is a lazy fool
what if I wanna not be like you all
all the planners and same-doing-over peoples
that all live the same lives
same lives.with different shades of voices
yay. thats exciting maybe.
but mostly not really
I don't like most your lives
why should I have to choose a life based off your standards?
who are you all to decide which life is worthy,worthwhile,estimable,admirable,ect
most these cut out boxed in planned for laid out lives.
its not my plan in life
are we all supposed to have a plan?
can some people survive with a plan cause they need it
and the ones who hate it. don't need it?
or are we wrong and they're right.
and we all need a plan and a plan and a plan a plan a plan a plan
i think we're a peckin plan it all planet
nah.i know we need some type of idea.plan.goal.mission.desire.passion.life
but i'm just talking about this everyonedothesamethingoverandover life
and when you don't choose the everyonedothesamething as us life
then they say whoareyou whatarethinking by notthinkingtodo oureverydayplannedout life
i'm thinking to not be like you
maybe thats what I'm thinkin

selfishloveandhate

love takes time
does it
does it really take time
or is it a choice
or can you even choose it
I love things I don't want to
and I hate things I wanna love
love is stupid and vain
love doesn't exist in our brains and head
maybe its nonexistent
maybe we don't even know what it is
but yet its what we need
its all we can go off of
how can we go off of something we don't understand
we don't know or get
we give least and need most
I'm not talking about cute couples with love that gives fairies in your belly
(is that even real. whut)
I mean having love for the ones you hate the most
the love you know you don't have for them
and then you hate yourself because of it
and when you hate yourself you cant love
and you're selfish and hate it
and you're selfish and can't love
and you hate yourself for hating
because you don't know love
and need it
but you don't knowitlove

whom

If everyone eventually becomes what they hate
everyone eventually becomes like the world.
the ones that hate what they become.
consume the world
and thats what the worlds become.
Because they all become each other
and they all become what they hate
i hope i never hate anything
i hope i never become them
yet as i say that
is that me hating them?
is that me already becoming the world
is that me becoming them
them who hate the world

truvel

I love being away and traveling to places I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong
As if I'm intruding on their lives
Why am I barging in on their world?
The only world they know. They'll know none other
Why do I know another? Should I?
Maybe I'm not supposed to be here
Maybe they're supposed to be in mine
Maybe no one is supposed to know anyones
Travvveeellsndjaiwlpwiejdbamksodhan
It's good and bad
I love it and I hate it
Well I almost never hate it
But I wonder if I should
Because then I wouldn't
Go to the places where I don't belong
But I love it too much
Love the world
Hate not belonging
Can I belong to all the world?
nehwell would I want to belong to everywhere?

Thats all.

Sometimes I feel like a hermit living in a traffic jam in the middle of New York city.
Trying to live in a peaceful lil space, yet the possibilities of that happening are non-existent because how can you do that in a traffic jam, much less in NYC.
I feel the life around me becoming jammed and trafficked up. and everyone beeping their
non-existent horns at everything. And heres this hermit just trying to find a twig to chill on.
Quit all your nonsense world.